Venting Self reflection. Am i bad?

[oziinnz]

Has something ever happened in your life that has really made you question how good of a person you actually are or how kind/compassionate/caring you are to those you love?
I know life and our own problems or distractions can affect how much time and love we give to those we love but after my sister ctb I am seriously questioning what kind of person I am.
I don't know if I've been living like half asleep and not really present with ppl but I look back now and I realise that even though I knew she was going through the hardest time in her life and I was worried I was still inconsistent, barely in touch, not really present, not really truly asking her how she was and responding thoughtfully and compassionately enough. All in all I thought I wasn't a bad person, I thought loving people was enough but somewhere along the road I got so uses to just saying I love you I forgot to really demonstrate that I didn't really slow down and think about what she needed from me even when she'd been suicidal. I am seeing myself in this new light and I don't like what I see, I hate myself. I've been selfish, distracted, not caring enough, impatient, all of the things and if I'd really slowed down and thought about how I could best show her love and support inknow she'd not be dead. This is not a pity party and I don't want people to say it's not my fault... this is a what the fuck moment that is ongoing and worsening, in realisation to the fact I'm actually not that great of a person. I'm a selfish bitch. I deserve to die. And this is all just more motivation to follow through because this rumination will never go away
And she will never come back

 

[jimmy7754]

I don't think people ever truly asked me how I was really doing once I became a lost soul as an adult.. not even my family even though they "care".. their also so self absorbed in there own problems.. everything became a contradictory mess in my life.. as a healthcare provider I am starting to see how bad my family is/was at being in touch with one another's selves.. I am now very self aware and open about how terribly depressed I am about how my life is going and it was inevitably going to be very difficult.. most people are putting up a facade and faking their way to whatever is giving them a reason to continue.. I don't know where I'm going with this..

I'm sorry your sister ctb'd ..

 

[Huntfish34]

I can't say it is or isn't your fault but Regardless,. I believe you did your best given the situation you were in. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that.

Thoughts and prayers to you -

 

[DPJ187]

One can only ever try their best, if you fried and failed you should hold your head up, if you didn't ask why you didn't make sure yoy learn from it and do better next time. I dont think people are all good or all bad, we have both extremes in us. I want to be good so I practise doing the right thing even when I'm not being watched. Other times in have to be bad, someone upset my partner or scared my wee boy, I'll be horrible and nasty then. But it's all relative, work on knowing yourself first then good or bad is a very real choice

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are suffering a lot, and living can be painful as we cannot go back in time and change things, and our thoughts can torture us. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do.