fillthevoid
Member
- Nov 15, 2021
- 87
I actually don't normally hate on myself that much. But now I'm getting closer to taking that final decision to kill myself, I'm seriously considering the impact it is going to have on my family. My family have done nothing but be kind, supportive and loving all my life. They are some of the most genuine, lovely people I have ever met. I feel sick to my stomach to do it to them.
All I have ever brought is hassle. I have contributed nothing to anybody, just take take take. As a kid I was just constantly annoying, full of myself, an attention seeking little brat. And now as an adult, I'm just a failure. They put up with me, paid for me, fed me, loved me all these years for absolutely nothing.
I'm so ungrateful. They did so much for me and all I can do is complain and sit here planning to destroy all of it. Destroy everything they put into me. Destroy their lives. Destroy my nephew's and nieces lives. I'm so fucking selfish. But I can't do it anymore.
I can't even think about my boyfriend. I know he won't care. Maybe he'll be a little shook for a few days, but ultimately he'll be absolutely fine. His life is basically absent of me anyway. It hurts to think about him and to think about the wonderful picture I had built up in my mind, the life I wanted. But I know that it was a lie and it was all one sided. I'm not sure I even know him anymore.
There are a few others who will be shook at well. But I know that for them it will ultimately just be gossip for a few days. Such as at work etc. It will seem out of the blue even though it's really not, so it will be a shock. But life will soon continue as normal...
But for my parents, god, the kindest people I know and I do this to them. I know this and yet I'm still going to do it. That makes me a monster.
I wish I could be one of those people to pull myself together, get my life in order, work hard, earn money, clear my parents debts and buy them a lovely house in the country to retire in happily. I wish I could take responsibility for my own life, buy my own house, have some pets, find a nice guy, go traveling, have friends, have babies, have projects to work on, make myself feel worthwhile and give myself the life I want. But that's not me. I'm not capable. I'm a complete and utter fail at life. If this was a computer game I would restart the level because I already wrecked it and destroyed my chances. And even if I hadn't wrecked it, I reckon I'm too stupid and niave and childish and emotional to do anything good with my life anyway.
Honestly I just feel as though I don't deserve this life. I wish I could pass it over to someone who does.
I really am such a shit example of a human being. My ancestors would laugh at me. I'm weak and pathetic and just so stupid. And there's nothing I can do about it. I hate me.
All I have ever brought is hassle. I have contributed nothing to anybody, just take take take. As a kid I was just constantly annoying, full of myself, an attention seeking little brat. And now as an adult, I'm just a failure. They put up with me, paid for me, fed me, loved me all these years for absolutely nothing.
I'm so ungrateful. They did so much for me and all I can do is complain and sit here planning to destroy all of it. Destroy everything they put into me. Destroy their lives. Destroy my nephew's and nieces lives. I'm so fucking selfish. But I can't do it anymore.
I can't even think about my boyfriend. I know he won't care. Maybe he'll be a little shook for a few days, but ultimately he'll be absolutely fine. His life is basically absent of me anyway. It hurts to think about him and to think about the wonderful picture I had built up in my mind, the life I wanted. But I know that it was a lie and it was all one sided. I'm not sure I even know him anymore.
There are a few others who will be shook at well. But I know that for them it will ultimately just be gossip for a few days. Such as at work etc. It will seem out of the blue even though it's really not, so it will be a shock. But life will soon continue as normal...
But for my parents, god, the kindest people I know and I do this to them. I know this and yet I'm still going to do it. That makes me a monster.
I wish I could be one of those people to pull myself together, get my life in order, work hard, earn money, clear my parents debts and buy them a lovely house in the country to retire in happily. I wish I could take responsibility for my own life, buy my own house, have some pets, find a nice guy, go traveling, have friends, have babies, have projects to work on, make myself feel worthwhile and give myself the life I want. But that's not me. I'm not capable. I'm a complete and utter fail at life. If this was a computer game I would restart the level because I already wrecked it and destroyed my chances. And even if I hadn't wrecked it, I reckon I'm too stupid and niave and childish and emotional to do anything good with my life anyway.
Honestly I just feel as though I don't deserve this life. I wish I could pass it over to someone who does.
I really am such a shit example of a human being. My ancestors would laugh at me. I'm weak and pathetic and just so stupid. And there's nothing I can do about it. I hate me.