Venting self hatred and the urge to ctb

[whitenoise-]

i've realized a little while ago that my main motivation for wanting to die isn't suffering. there are things going on in my life that make me want to, but none of it seems overwhelming enough to feel a need to ctb soon! i'm still able to occasionally be happy, and there's still things i enjoy about life and things i would like to experience (albeit not that much, since i don't mind not being able to).

instead, my main motivation is self hatred. i imagine things could get better, but why should i let myself? i've hurt so many people by being friends with them, and i'm incapable of connecting with people, which is all i really wanted in life. dying feels moreso like atoning for my sins, and i don't know how i'm supposed to control my urges to do so. it just feels like despite however much i may or may not want to, i just deserve death. i don't want to be a bother, and the few people that are closer to me today will eventually feel happier without me. it also doesn't help that i absolutely hate my body (:

i feel that i'm obligated to ctb soon. part of it is because i've been suicidal for almost a decade now. at least during high school i would comfort myself by telling myself that i would ctb after i graduate college, and i'm about to be at that position now! i feel like not much has changed since then, other than my ideation getting a good bit worse. it just feels like there's alarm bells ringing constantly in my brain telling myself to ctb, and that i won't be able to forgive myself if i don't plan and do it some time soon.

i don't know, does anyone else feel similarly? am i just delusional? i imagine this is at least a somewhat normal reason, but i still feel selfish. i was just wondering if anyone relates, at least a little.

 

[ExhaustedOne]

You are not alone. My self abhorrence greets me from the day I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Frankly, it is in most of my dreams as well. Unlike you however I have complete anhedonia. There is nothing really I find enjoyable in this life. I have to put a constant mask on for my waking hours.

 

[Polyxo]

This is my main motivation, as well. You are not alone. I believe life can be happy, precious, and worth living for those who deserve it. And I am not one of those people. I believe others are better, kinder, and smarter than me. They would be happier without me around. Suicide is my punishment for being the way I am. I'm in my mid-20s now and I know I will regret not CTB'ing soon.

 

[other-ghost]

I wish I had the right words, but i relate to every part of your post so deeply it aches. I also cling to those arbitrary deadlines, as if suffering somehow earns an expiration date. But when the time comes, the guilt doesn't vanish, it just hisses louder, demanding you follow through. I'm now past the age where i promised myself to ctb, and now i don't know what i even need to do in life bc all this time my plan was to ctb.

Aaand, you're not delusional or selfish. It's a reflection of how much you've hurt, how hard you've tried to be "good" in a world that makes it so easy to feel like a failure.