I am trying my best to hold on ONE for hope of someone soon giving a F**K about me ....very unlikely but .... And TWO i did not want to SN or CTB with my self harm in such a mess. Daily dressings by myself as nurse gave up are not the best and the wounds are getting there just slower then hoped. Also i found last time the pressure of not releasing self hate through self harm built to a level i OD'd easier as HAD to get the disgust out for good at the pressure it had got to.
Is it weird i want my harm to be 'neater' before i CTB?? Am i just weird?? I am soo desperate to depart but to be found with these wounds so fresh i can just hear in my head 'oh she one of those' 'she was expected to do this in the end' 'she a prolific self harmer so this would be expected!' man my GP said 'prolific harmer' on the one time i OD and went to her as it hadn't worked hours later and was scared and i trusted her!! It hurt to be labeled that so I wanted to have them more on mend. But its sooooo hard and now doubting it makes sense to wait. I certainly cannot see another xmas thats for sure that kills my soul each year!!!
Also am terrfied to order the SN as so not sure got right site and place to get it from and the recent scare that its not pure?? I would do blood test but it soo much money if i have wrong site/stuff
I can't take this embarrassment thats me much more and u guys are the only ones who get the right for me to put an end to this hurt, pain and constant not fitting
Is it weird i want my harm to be 'neater' before i CTB?? Am i just weird?? I am soo desperate to depart but to be found with these wounds so fresh i can just hear in my head 'oh she one of those' 'she was expected to do this in the end' 'she a prolific self harmer so this would be expected!' man my GP said 'prolific harmer' on the one time i OD and went to her as it hadn't worked hours later and was scared and i trusted her!! It hurt to be labeled that so I wanted to have them more on mend. But its sooooo hard and now doubting it makes sense to wait. I certainly cannot see another xmas thats for sure that kills my soul each year!!!
Also am terrfied to order the SN as so not sure got right site and place to get it from and the recent scare that its not pure?? I would do blood test but it soo much money if i have wrong site/stuff
I can't take this embarrassment thats me much more and u guys are the only ones who get the right for me to put an end to this hurt, pain and constant not fitting
