Venting self-harm relapse and feeling pathetic

[madwantstodie]

tonight i cut myself for the first time in a couple months. i've been hurting myself for years & years now, but every relapse is strange. it's just the sick feeling of "really mads? we're doing this shit again?"
Like i wish i could just commit to killing myself instead of scarring my body.
I always feel pretty pathetic afterwards, which just makes me want to hurt myself more, which in turn causes more feelings of feeling like a fool. I think if the people in my life gave me less shit for it i'd feel less shit about doing it. Sometimes it's what has kept me from going through w CTB but obviously mentally healthy people don't really understand that so it's just another bad option in their book. I've talked to my family about it before, got into an intense argument with my mom and told her straight up "i will cut myself, or kill myself"
she was not very happy and i got put into a ward.
I wish there wasn't such a big stigma around sh but I GET IT. i do. i used to have close friends who hurt themselves and it was very concerning but as someone who also hurts themself it's a bit hypocritical to tell someone they shouldn't be doing the very thing you're doing to yourself. so it's frustrating when friends and family get concerned but i understand the concern but also please back off self-harm is a bit better than suicide. & it makes me want to CTB MORE when people point out the scars or try and "help"

summer is also approaching and it gets very hot where i live. i am anxious about people seeing the scars but i feel like i can't stop.

Do any of you deal with these feelings of guilt from hurting yourself and others seeing it? how do you deal with them?

 

[tuyu]

I just continue to do it anyway whenever I feel like I am emotionally overwhelmed. Well, it's either going to be sh or crying or destroying items or physical harm to others which is obviously bad. The energy needs to be released one way or another ….

Don't really care what people think of it unless it means I'm not going to get money in exchange for my work, in which that case I would care. But even so whenever I retort that money is basically one reason of my depression I don't think they would do anything to make me not have money to survive.

Everyone has different coping mechanisms. Some "healthier" than others (in mainstream society pov) like running is considered "healthy". But it is so damn hypocritical to tell someone to not sh but their own coping mechanism is smoking / vape / excessive drinking. Sheesh…

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, mads. Sorry to hear you're back here again, feeling the things you're feeling right now. Let me start by saying you are absolutely right: if you got less flak for it, it probably wouldn't be as bad as it is. Shame, guilt, and self-critical feelings in general only feed the behavior and make it stronger, which is something a lot of people just don't seem to get.

The thing you need to understand is that, however harmful it may be, this behavior is still a coping strategy employed by your brain to protect you. It's an impulse, one that gets repeated because it clearly provides you something that you need, and you don't really get a say in whether you experience or not. It isn't something to be ashamed of. I know this does little to address the feelings of judgment and ostracism coming your way from other people, but at least you seem to know that it's better for you than the alternative, and you don't have to add to that feeling yourself. You're just doing what you can to hold on and feel better in an awful situation; there's nothing wrong with that, and you're not pathetic.

As to what to do about summer coming on, I'm honestly not sure what you can do on a practical level. If you go out and it's not covered up, people are going to see it. There's just no real way around that, or at least not one I can think of. The best advice I can give is to try to understand that you are doing what you feel you need to, and there is a reason that you feel that way. You probably can't convince anyone else of that, but you don't have to allow that shame inside of you. Take a breath, remember that you're just a human person who is suffering, and give yourself the grace to do what you need. If you can do that, it may help.

 

[jacarandash]

you aren't alone here, i understand these feelings completely. i wish you the very best

 

[rose-petal]

don't feel guilty if you self harm, it's completely okay. it's the part of the recovery process. nobody should make you feel guilty about it as it doesn't help anyone.