Self-fulfilling prophecy...

[Taylor]

I've stopped talking to my medication. Not taking my family members anymore. Broke up with the plants. Stopped watering my girlfriend. Haven't washed the room in a few days and haven't vacuumed the dishes. It's a mess...

You sir, are hilarious. Points for making me laugh hahaha

 

[Taylor]

I relate to that far too much. I remember just over a month ago my ex was telling me that it'd get better, he'd seen me recover from things before, that I'd get through it, you get the idea. But I'm tired of this cycle. What's the point in living for a couple of "good" months just to end up back in this pit of depression, anxiety, paranoia and suicide? I've done my best to fix things but I can't, I've tried everything I can think of. I'm tired, I give up. I just want to sleep and end this cycle before it does more harm than it already has.

Exactly. It's like I've reached that point where enough is enough, and it's as clear as ever.

 

[Marc]

You sir, are hilarious. Points for making me laugh hahaha

Thanks! You're welcome :)

 

[BjartNO]

Does anyone else find themselves helplessly doing increasingly shitty things to justify your desire to ctb to yourself?

Yes!!!

 

[deathbycakes]

i stopped caring about my wellbeing, eat whatever i want whenever i want (sometimes i could eat one small meal for two days when i don't feel like eating), hoping it would shorten my lifespan.
but then i read that obesity kills more than low BMI so fuck me

 

[bigj75]

i stopped caring about my wellbeing, eat whatever i want whenever i want (sometimes i could eat one small meal for two days when i don't feel like eating), hoping it would shorten my lifespan.
but then i read that obesity kills more than low BMI so fuck me

that's fucked up.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Yeah, I'm refusing any more medication by the doctors even though I have a terminal disease. I've decided to refuse any treatment that could prolong my "life" so I generally avoid the docs. Also, I have my box of Oxys ready in case I get any worse as hospital isn't an option I'd consider. I'm not interested in hanging around this hell any longer than necessary.

 

[Jodes]

Yeah, I'm refusing any more medication by the doctors even though I have a terminal disease. I've decided to refuse any treatment that could prolong my "life" so I generally avoid the docs. Also, I have my box of Oxys ready in case I get any worse as hospital isn't an option I'd consider. I'm not interested in hanging around this hell any longer than necessary.

Maybe it gives you a bit of something to fall back on, and helps you feel where you are?

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Maybe it gives you a bit of something to fall back on, and helps you feel where you are?

It keeps me in control. I'm tired of being pushed around by everyone.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

I've stopped talking to my medication. Not taking my family members anymore. Broke up with the plants. Stopped watering my girlfriend. Haven't washed the room in a few days and haven't vacuumed the dishes. It's a mess...

Haha, this totally made me chuckle this morning. I needed that, thanks for making me laugh when I thought it just wasn't in me today.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

Damn, you are on a whole different level. That post hit home for me so hard. I can't stand all those "Fight through it!" "Never give up!" "We're all in this together!" people, pages, etc. It's like you know what Nancy? Maybe I'm sick of fighting. Maybe I'm sick of being in pain, and don't want to get better now. You ever think of that? I'm such a realist when it comes to that. It's like sure you can fight your hardest and try everything under the sun to improve and get "better", but you know damn well we're only getting older, and it only gets harder, and worse as time goes on, no matter how you try to mask it.

I can definitely relate to this. I have 2 chronic, painful diseases with no cure..and these words get thrown at me all the time. Gets really frustrating.

 

[Marc]

Haha, this totally made me chuckle this morning. I needed that, thanks for making me laugh when I thought it just wasn't in me today.

I'm glad it did, you're welcome :)

 

[I am ___________]

Maybe I am doing actions to increase my odds of ctb successfully, my first action to join this site and then to do extensive research on a method and hopefully go through with it. It is a self fulfilling prophecy, or at least I want it to be.

 

[I am ___________]

It keeps me in control. I'm tired of being pushed around by everyone.

Me and you both. I already feel shitty enough, doesn't help when others continue to put you down and just pick on you. I too am tired of it.

 

[2 be or not]

... I no longer have the social skills or the level of trust needed to form deep and meaningful bonds...

Is it because of a lack of desire, lack of finding trustworthy people or something else?

 

[stellabelle]

2 oz of 1,4 butanediol! Combined with benadryl and a fat bowl of OG Kush as a makeshift antiemetic beforehand. Mixing the 1,4b into a bubbly screwdriver (5 shots of vodka, bubbly orange/mango drink, pure OJ) and injecting H shortly after saying my goodbyes to my SP partner.

That's one helluva plan. I'm jealous.

 

[SiArc]

I have been selfsabatoging all my life and simultaneously fighting against it. At least until recently. My hole has levels that you can see where I plateaued at but the walls are smooth, no way to get back up to the previous ledges. I have fought against it, did everything I could think of to solve the issue in a normal way, even some like self injury. I plummet further than I was before each time. Even tried to ignore the suicidal need outright.

Anywhoosles since approximately August I have been slowly speeding up digging that hole while accomplishing some very last minute goals. Getting a house, paying off my car. Some things I know I wouldn't be able to sustain and I refuse to be homeless or live in absolute squalor. I attempted CTB at the end of November because I had been rallying hard to "fit in" and thought I was succeeding until I was told I wasn't. That was the final mark.
Since that month I have stopped paying most bills, stopped working (but got short term disability which has enabled me to keep my job and get paid while planning a more concrete plan), stopped taking care of some things. I have envisioned and set forth never coming back. In these final weeks I am paying no bills, and have backed away from everything. Monday I quit my job because I a. not going to need that money, I won't be here when it is paid out.

I am completely self prophetic in my actions and mindset. There is no failing. I am leaving absolutely nothing to come back to. Razing my life, scorched earth policy so there is no chance of backing down.

 

[Othermind]

What's the point in living for a couple of "good" months just to end up back in this pit of depression, anxiety, paranoia and suicide? I've done my best to fix things but I can't, I've tried everything I can think of. I'm tired, I give up. I just want to sleep and end this cycle before it does more harm than it already has.

My exact thoughts. I relate to pretty much everything that has been said in this thread but this post I could have written myself.
When I moved back here to finish my studies I wanted to find another therapist and see if I could improve my situation, but then I thought about it and said fuck it. I've been on this merry-go-round for half a decade. I'm a miserable suicidal wreck, I see a shrink/take some new medication, things go well for a while, I start feeling hopeful for the future and then inevitably something goes wrong or I fuck something up immensely and it's back to square one.
Now, some of my fuckups I can't bear to live with anymore and that's my main reason for wanting to ctb, but even if I could, I'm tired of living on the hope that someday things will get better, tired of spending time, money and energy on trying to improve my situation when it's clear as day by this point that I'm too fucking broken to function. You can only spin in a hamster wheel for so long.
So now I just do everything I can to chip away at what's left of my sanity so I can speed up the process. I'm borderline alcoholic, self harm like crazy and have a creeping addiction to benzos, hopefully all of this will push me over the edge within the next year/year and 1/2.

 

[15dec]

My exact thoughts. I relate to pretty much everything that has been said in this thread but this post I could have written myself.
When I moved back here to finish my studies I wanted to find another therapist and see if I could improve my situation, but then I thought about it and said fuck it. I've been on this merry-go-round for half a decade. I'm a miserable suicidal wreck, I see a shrink/take some new medication, things go well for a while, I start feeling hopeful for the future and then inevitably something goes wrong or I fuck something up immensely and it's back to square one.
Now, some of my fuckups I can't bear to live with anymore and that's my main reason for wanting to ctb, but even if I could, I'm tired of living on the hope that someday things will get better, tired of spending time, money and energy on trying to improve my situation when it's clear as day by this point that I'm too fucking broken to function. You can only spin in a hamster wheel for so long.
So now I just do everything I can to chip away at what's left of my sanity so I can speed up the process. I'm borderline alcoholic, self harm like crazy and have a creeping addiction to benzos, hopefully all of this will push me over the edge within the next year/year and 1/2.

I could've written most of your post as well, the only major differences is that I can't access medication unless I carry on in this cycle for several more months minimum, and even then being allowed it is almost certainly not going to happen. I used to drink every morning but recently I've just stopped everything like that. Weirdly enough I've been in this cycle for five years as well, coming up for six this summer. I'm sorry that you've had to suffer like this as well, sending you hugs

 

[Broken]

I've made bad choices for 15 years from the age of 15 to 30. Half my life basically. It was only in the last year that one of my bad decisions effected me emotionally. I hurt the only person that loved and cared about me like I needed and they gave up. It made me realise I'd just existed for 15 years and hadn't really lived. I was alone for so many years but didn't feel alone. Now I feel so lonely. My actions for 15 years involving drugs and letting people down has ended me up where I am now thinking about ending my life. I've lost everyone in my life that matters through my own actions. The saddest part is I'm a damaged person myself and that's why I hurt people that I cared about but that doesn't make it any easier. Their were times where I had almost like an epiphany and realised my actions needed to change but I didn't do anything, I was a lazy coward drug taker and now hindsight is just eating me alive. I feel like I've wasted an oppurtunity to make something of my life with the most amazing person and I can't see how I'm ever going to get back that fulfilment again in life. People say that you look at exes through rose tinted glasses but I really did have an oppurtunity and failed to be with the most beautiful caring person ever. So many people that have wronged me in my life and I haven't hurt them but the one person that loved me and would do me no wrong or harm I hurt. I hate myself

 

[Othermind]

I could've written most of your post as well, the only major differences is that I can't access medication unless I carry on in this cycle for several more months minimum, and even then being allowed it is almost certainly not going to happen. I used to drink every morning but recently I've just stopped everything like that. Weirdly enough I've been in this cycle for five years as well, coming up for six this summer. I'm sorry that you've had to suffer like this as well, sending you hugs

Appreciate it, and you have all of my sympathy.
As for the meds, I've come to see them as distilled rose tinted glasses with many of them relying on some sort of placebo effect to work, so it might be a good thing you don't have access to them. I was always able to get them because my country has pretty good mental health services all things considered, but all they ever did was get me well enough to walk into the next pitfall so yeah...

 

[15dec]

Appreciate it, and you have all of my sympathy.
As for the meds, I've come to see them as distilled rose tinted glasses with many of them relying on some sort of placebo effect to work, so it might be a good thing you don't have access to them. I was always able to get them because my country has pretty good mental health services all things considered, but all they ever did was get me well enough to walk into the next pitfall so yeah...

Yeah, from everything I've read here and other articles antidepressants usually don't work or eventually stop working. It's a really sad state of things. You have all of my sympathy as well

 

[Retched]

I messed up my life so badly, and I see it all like a slow moving train wreck. And I am not getting any better, I have too many consequences to face with bills/relationships/etc. I can resonate with all the posters here. It is an awful place to be, in limbo, especially after I tried to ctb...in August. It is a lie that it gets better I think. I just don't know how to exit right now. I want to again, try again but succeed.

 

[Broken]

i had so many opportunities to sort my life out but I was a coward and stupid and thought life was unfair when it wasn't. All I wanted was to be happy and loved. I wanted more for my life and one day it happened. I finally met someone and ended up throwing it all away. I could have started my 30s leaving my crap boring past behind if only I'd made the decision to quit canabbis. It would have been hard but for once in my life I had a reason to quit. It wasn't that I should have quit for someone else. I've let myself down by not living up to my values and loosing someone through it. They got fed up because my actions didn't match my words. I said I wanted to quit drugs and they supported me but I didn't. I just don't want to live the rest of my life feeling so unfulfilled. My life is just a misery noing I threw away my own happiness. I've learned from my mistakes and no longer take drugs but it all seems so meaningless now. I wish I new if this was all just part oft he plan. I'm so scared I'm going to regret letting down the only person that mattered for the rest of my life. Lol people say it's better to of loved and lost than not at all but I think that's only true if you leave a relationship regret free.

 

[Xerxes]

I never liked hurting people especially my loved ones, but I've hurt them on accident or indirectly. I don't want my loved ones hurting time and time again and it's driving me closer to CTB, because I know after I'm dead, they'll feel a different type of pain, perhaps temporary loss, but at least I'm doing stupid selfish shit to hurt them.

 

[Smilla]

I have been selfsabatoging all my life and simultaneously fighting against it. At least until recently. My hole has levels that you can see where I plateaued at but the walls are smooth, no way to get back up to the previous ledges. I have fought against it, did everything I could think of to solve the issue in a normal way, even some like self injury. I plummet further than I was before each time. Even tried to ignore the suicidal need outright.

Anywhoosles since approximately August I have been slowly speeding up digging that hole while accomplishing some very last minute goals. Getting a house, paying off my car. Some things I know I wouldn't be able to sustain and I refuse to be homeless or live in absolute squalor. I attempted CTB at the end of November because I had been rallying hard to "fit in" and thought I was succeeding until I was told I wasn't. That was the final mark.
Since that month I have stopped paying most bills, stopped working (but got short term disability which has enabled me to keep my job and get paid while planning a more concrete plan), stopped taking care of some things. I have envisioned and set forth never coming back. In these final weeks I am paying no bills, and have backed away from everything. Monday I quit my job because I a. not going to need that money, I won't be here when it is paid out.

I am completely self prophetic in my actions and mindset. There is no failing. I am leaving absolutely nothing to come back to. Razing my life, scorched earth policy so there is no chance of backing down.

I've razed my life too.