Self-fulfilling prophecy...

[Floraknife]

Does anyone else find themselves helplessly doing increasingly shitty things to justify your desire to ctb to yourself?

Sorry this is such a short post and I still haven't gotten back to anyone on my last post but yeah this is just a burning question on my mind atm

 

[Haze]

This spoke to me like you would not believe.

I remember even as a teenager being fascinated by the concept. Talking to a friend about it while high.

I've been committing suicide in slow motion by making my own situation increasingly worse. I didn't even realize it was happening at the time either.

 

[Floraknife]

(Just stole cigs from my roommate, been spending the measly money I have left on alcohol, ignoring messages from my family/friends etc.)

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

Does anyone else find themselves helplessly doing increasingly shitty things to justify your desire to ctb to yourself?

Sorry this is such a short post and I still haven't gotten back to anyone on my last post but yeah this is just a burning question on my mind atm

Yes, it seems as though I have to spend every ounce of my energy to convince people that ctb is the right ( and only ) choice for me. and I have a terminal illness. smh....

 

[Floraknife]

This spoke to me like you would not believe.

I remember even as a teenager being fascinated by the concept. Talking to a friend about it while high.

I've been committing suicide in slow motion by making my own situation increasingly worse. I didn't even realize it was happening at the time either.

Oh man, I just lit up and probably wouldn't have mentioned this if I hadn't!

Yes, exactly. "Committing suicide in slow motion." As if self-sabotage will one day work it's magic on your true desire; to cease to exist.

 

[OkTotti]

I stopped taking my blood pressure medication, vitamins, eating really badly (too much McDonalds), ignoring text/emails from family and friends....

 

[stellabelle]

Does anyone else find themselves helplessly doing increasingly shitty things to justify your desire to ctb to yourself?

Sorry this is such a short post and I still haven't gotten back to anyone on my last post but yeah this is just a burning question on my mind atm

Destroyed a relationship, refuse to work again, stay trapped in a miserable bubble. Yeah, pretty much. I don't see myself improving at any point.

 

[Floraknife]

I stopped taking my blood pressure medication, vitamins, eating really badly (too much McDonalds), ignoring text/emails from family and friends....

I feel that. My list is so long. Stopped putting effort into pretty much everything, honestly

 

[QuickandPainless]

I usually try to cut ties so no one tries to talk me out of it. Then I chicken out and have a lot of explaining to do. I want to be extra shitty so I can ctb in peace but the fear of having no one if I chicken out is scary to me.

 

[MMNZ91]

Seems like I did this unknowingly and now my only option is to CTB whether I like it or not

 

[dysfunctional]

Very much. Its like the idea takes control of you and you become incapable of doing what would normally makes sense. Weird but i've been experiencing this for 6-7 months now.

 

[Floraknife]

I usually try to cut ties so no one tries to talk me out of it. Then I chicken out and have a lot of explaining to do. I want to be extra shitty so I can ctb in peace but the fear of having no one if I chicken out is scary to me.

I've cut my ties too.. and at this point, there's no going back. I've cut off all of my foundational friendships/relationships if they didn't cut me off first, and at this point (over half a year later, finally cut the last 2 most important) there is nothing for me to hold onto. Even if I managed to get into "recovery" mode, I no longer have the social skills or the level of trust needed to form deep and meaningful bonds. Finding like-minded people on here who I can connect to on my way out has been the blessing I've longed for to be honest.

Seems like I did this unknowingly and now my only option is to CTB whether I like it or not

Just wanted to say same here, you're not alone and I'm here if you need to vent!

Very much. Its like the idea takes control of you and you become incapable of doing what would normally makes sense. Weird but i've been experiencing this for 6-7 months now.

I like the way you worded that. "the idea takes control of you and you become incapable of doing what would normally makes sense" - yes! It's like who "you" were no longer applies, all "you" are is a corpse, waiting to be taken out or given a "good enough" reason to do it yourself, whether it's the guilt piling up or something else.

 

[bigj75]

yes!

Quit my previous job, spent all my money on alcohol, hookers, etc. The closer to bottom the more urgency i feel to ctb. But i realize i need money to ctb. I don't want to jump or run infront of a train.

 

[Floraknife]

yes!

Quit my previous job, spent all my money on alcohol, hookers, etc. The closer to bottom the more urgency i feel to ctb. But i realize i need money to ctb. I don't want to jump or run infront of a train.

Yes!! The deeper the hole, the deeper the consequences, or something like that. I'm so grateful I have the means to get one last payment of $100, just enough to take my exit. Though I find myself wishing I'd taken it sooner, when I had more resources available, it feels like the perfect, exactly right solution now... and I get to know I tried to make it, too.

 

[Final Escape]

Destroyed a relationship, refuse to work again, stay trapped in a miserable bubble. Yeah, pretty much. I don't see myself improving at any point.

This sounds like me right here lol!

 

[Floraknife]

(I'm a little drunk but) just took the last of my roommates cigs (there were 8) because she mentioned a couple days ago that I could have as many as I wanted and I'm completely out of money, have my date set for within 2 weeks... really no excuses, just want to let out my shame a bit as it's very unlike me. I don't wanna go out on bad karma wtf am I doing

 

[Floraknife]

This sounds like me right here lol!

Seriously. Sometimes I feel like this forum is the perfect opposite of those "love & light" pages, just another vibration of the collective human experience finding our place

 

[bigj75]

Yes!! The deeper the hole, the deeper the consequences, or something like that. I'm so grateful I have the means to get one last payment of $100, just enough to take my exit. Though I find myself wishing I'd taken it sooner, when I had more resources available, it feels like the perfect, exactly right solution now... and I get to know I tried to make it, too.

Whats your method of choice btw?

 

[Floraknife]

Whats your method of choice btw?

2 oz of 1,4 butanediol! Combined with benadryl and a fat bowl of OG Kush as a makeshift antiemetic beforehand. Mixing the 1,4b into a bubbly screwdriver (5 shots of vodka, bubbly orange/mango drink, pure OJ) and injecting H shortly after saying my goodbyes to my SP partner.

 

[Floraknife]

Might do a couple more shots if I'm miraculously still conscious after downing all of that though. Once I lose consciousness, should be game over. Even if I ctb by choking on my own vomit - hey, I'll be dead, and won't feel it, not a problem to me.

 

[dysfunctional]

2 oz of 1,4 butanediol! Combined with benadryl and a fat bowl of OG Kush as a makeshift antiemetic beforehand. Mixing the 1,4b into a bubbly screwdriver (5 shots of vodka, bubbly orange/mango drink, pure OJ) and injecting H shortly after saying my goodbyes to my SP partner.

Dang, nice plan

 

[Floraknife]

Dang, nice plan

Thanks! It's been a long time in the making, and definitely what I wanna go *all out* on.

 

[Lunaemoth]

Yep this is me as well. Basically since I was 11. I stopped caring about my life, so I just did whatever was amusing/entertaining/distracting at the time regardless of the consequences. Spent 15 years ruining my life socially, financially, academically, etc and didn't care. I just always thought, if I fuck shit up too badly, I'll just kill myself. But I fucked up every suicide attempt too, so my life kept getting worse. My physical and mental health deteriorated, especially in the past couple of years, to the point where living a normal life is no longer ever an option for me. Because I spent so much of my life pretending to be happy and hiding my depression, I don't even have a personality anymore, if I ever really did.

I'm 26 years old. Though I love my family, they do not really know me, and I don't think they care much either way. The only thing in my life that actually matters to me is my dog, but I can't even take care of myself let alone her. My family thinks I have these grand plans to move out on my own (for the first time) in three months. They think I've paid for classes to finally get my driver's license, that I've been looking for jobs and apartments in a new town, that I've been saving my money, etc. In reality, I left my job (they think I have time off for the holidays and am due back the day after my ctb date), have paid for nothing, and, in fact, have no money left at all. I spent what little money I did have on my the supplies for ctb and on Christmas presents for people. I have less than three days left to live, and I definitely brought this on myself.

 

[Pulmonicis]

Oh yes, definitely. Been suicidal for couple years now and decided to give a real try. After few days of lurking this forum and researching proper ways to suicide, just fell in love with this SN method. Ordered all the stuff just a couple days ago and counting days as the holy trinity of drugs arrives and I can finally CTB.

Answering your question : started straight up living in the hostels and university library, eating one time a day garbage food. Avoiding all the friends, but still keeping in a close touch with my family, because I don't want them to have any clues about my plans. Even dropped out from university, took my stuff with a rented car and placed everything in a rented werehouse. Now spending days just walking from one place to another in a cold, thinking how to surprise my mom for her birthday and survive till January 14 in a streets basically. Shits fucked up, I know.

 

[OkTotti]

Might do a couple more shots if I'm miraculously still conscious after downing all of that though. Once I lose consciousness, should be game over. Even if I ctb by choking on my own vomit - hey, I'll be dead, and won't feel it, not a problem to me.

Hi, where do you plan on doing this? in your home or a hotel?
can you let us know what the 1,4 Butanediol taste like?

 

[Taylor]

I stopped taking my blood pressure medication, vitamins, eating really badly (too much McDonalds), ignoring text/emails from family and friends....

This. I don't talk to anyone, I've been eating like total shit, (nothing but fast food), and I don't exercise anymore (I'm in severe chronic pain so that's a no go even if I wanted to), I rarely ever leave the house so right now I'm like a month overdue for a haircut...just kinda have this "f*ck it, I'm gonna die soon anyway" mentality right now. But then I think that I want to look good in my casket at least, so then I'm like, "well shit." Maybe I'll just fight through the pain and run on the elliptical for a week or something haha.

 

[15dec]

I haven't exactly done anything to sabotage myself, I've just been doing stuff I've wanted to do for a while but never had the balls to do.

Cut my hair shorter than it's ever been, going to dye it in a few days, going to start a dance class, bought a ton of clothes/different styles. Because fuck it, why not, I'm going to ctb soon. May as well do whatever now.

I would say I've been eating a lot of junk food and not caring but I've always done, even when my mental health was somewhat manageable, so I guess it doesn't count. I have more or less been ignoring my friends though, barely speaking to them. Going to have to stop that when I go back to college though, so when I ctb they don't feel even more guilty, and have decent memories of me instead of being like "Oh yeah, 15... she was really quiet and sad all the time."

 

[Taylor]

Seriously. Sometimes I feel like this forum is the perfect opposite of those "love & light" pages, just another vibration of the collective human experience finding our place

Damn, you are on a whole different level. That post hit home for me so hard. I can't stand all those "Fight through it!" "Never give up!" "We're all in this together!" people, pages, etc. It's like you know what Nancy? Maybe I'm sick of fighting. Maybe I'm sick of being in pain, and don't want to get better now. You ever think of that? I'm such a realist when it comes to that. It's like sure you can fight your hardest and try everything under the sun to improve and get "better", but you know damn well we're only getting older, and it only gets harder, and worse as time goes on, no matter how you try to mask it.

 

[Marc]

I've stopped talking to my medication. Not taking my family members anymore. Broke up with the plants. Stopped watering my girlfriend. Haven't washed the room in a few days and haven't vacuumed the dishes. It's a mess...

 

[15dec]

It's like you know what Nancy? Maybe I'm sick of fighting. Maybe I'm sick of being in pain, and don't want to get better now.

I relate to that far too much. I remember just over a month ago my ex was telling me that it'd get better, he'd seen me recover from things before, that I'd get through it, you get the idea. But I'm tired of this cycle. What's the point in living for a couple of "good" months just to end up back in this pit of depression, anxiety, paranoia and suicide? I've done my best to fix things but I can't, I've tried everything I can think of. I'm tired, I give up. I just want to sleep and end this cycle before it does more harm than it already has.