I've been told my self esteem couldn't be worse. I don't really disagree, my friend keeps pointing out things I do and showing more and more, but... I don't feel like it's wrong, it doesn't feel like something to fight against, despite life being nigh unbearable as it is. Even when things get better they get worse.
This post is going to be a stream of thought mostly, me talking about things I do and feel relating to self esteem and how painful and scary living is, to talk about some of the things that make it so hard to keep going. I'm not really going to discuss why I feel the way I do about myself, partially because it's a lot to explain, and partially because I don't want to make everyone who reads this hate me, even though I know I deserve it. If you relate, feel free to talk about it here. If you want to talk about your own self esteem issues, I'd love to listen. If you have anything to say about anything I've written or anything you'd like to add, please do.
I'm going to start now.
Historically I'm very easily pressured and exploited, I can't say no because what if they stop liking me, what if they stop talking to me, what if I'm left alone again? It's always my fault, I'm just not being good enough, I have to make sure I'm what they want from me. Anything to make others happy, because I can't be... (I'm working really hard to better stand up for myself, because it's just left me further traumatized...)
I often dismiss or disqualify compliments, because they've only seen what I've chosen to show them, they can't know how horrible I am, how ugly I am, how stupid I am. Sometimes if they compliment me a lot all at once or give the same compliment often I tell them to stop, I try to tell them they're wrong in the nicest and least offensive way possible because it hurts, it hurts that they think so highly of me when I'm less than nothing.
I hate when people look at me, especially my face. I wear face masks and baggy clothing and always a sweater or hoodie or jacket. I hide in the bathroom during social events until it's time to leave. I put up a curtain in front of my bedroom door so even if someone opens it they can't see me or my room. I don't even like if they have to hear my voice. What if they notice how terrible I am? I'd rather they forget I exist.
One of the main symptoms of my schizophrenia these days is hearing things cry when I touch them, seeing them shake with fear when I get close, hearing things in pain because of my actions, seeing them scared and desperate when I get close. I can't lie on my bed, I'm hurting it. I can't sit at my desk, I'm scaring it. I can't touch my phone screen, I'm violating it. I hurt everything I touch. Everyone and everything would be happier if I just went away.
I'm not fully sure what I thought this would accomplish. I'm glad it's out there. I'm glad I was able to talk about this. But it doesn't make it any better. It doesn't make it not my reality. It doesn't stop me wishing I could just stop living. I guess... If you got anything out of this, I'm glad. Otherwise, I'm sorry for wasting your time or for making you feel worse.
