Self-Destructive Tendencies

[Love Ash Love]

Hey, I just wanted to know, who else has a tendency to try to ruin their lives even though everything they have is satisfactory? Like, I take everything personally, even if it's just a joking jab at me, and then I'm like "okay" and I try to remedy the problem as best I can. I only do this stuff to be less of a burden. Like, for example, I keep continually trying to ruin one of my only friendships because I know I'm a shitty friend and I'm too mentally ill for friendships. However, one friend is ride-or-die and I just don't know how to deal with the other. The latter friend ditched me a while back and called me a selfish asshole and, like, yeah I guess I agree, but I attempted suicide not too long before. I'll probably complain about all that in a future post, but who else just... can't let themselves be happy with anything?

 

[Holu]

My "self destructive" tendencies are honestly fairly basic, i.e. self harm(Cutting, scratching, being my tricho self), self isolation, or refusing to exist for an entire day. I suppose I'm functionally depressed so maybe that makes a significant difference but honestly the greatest amount of self destructive harm I do to myself is simply my attitude. I don't want to improve, I don't want to fix myself. I won't actively go out of my way to hurt myself(at least not at great lengths) but I won't actively do anything to help myself. Honestly, I'm just trying to get the part of my brain which keeps me from ctb to give up. Its funny but I've been called selfish before for the same reason, and in their right it's fully fair to say, but honestly I'm just sick of fighting the constant void of pain. I'm honestly curious if you are intentionally preventing yourself from being happy, since as far as I'm aware I basically have never done this. It's more I just fall down and instead of picking myself up I let the world kick my ass around until I somehow wind up on my feet.

 

[Love Ash Love]

My "self destructive" tendencies are honestly fairly basic, i.e. self harm(Cutting, scratching, being my tricho self), self isolation, or refusing to exist for an entire day. I suppose I'm functionally depressed so maybe that makes a significant difference but honestly the greatest amount of self destructive harm I do to myself is simply my attitude. I don't want to improve, I don't want to fix myself. I won't actively go out of my way to hurt myself(at least not at great lengths) but I won't actively do anything to help myself. Honestly, I'm just trying to get the part of my brain which keeps me from ctb to give up. Its funny but I've been called selfish before for the same reason, and in their right it's fully fair to say, but honestly I'm just sick of fighting the constant void of pain. I'm honestly curious if you are intentionally preventing yourself from being happy, since as far as I'm aware I basically have never done this. It's more I just fall down and instead of picking myself up I let the world kick my ass around until I somehow wind up on my feet.

it's honestly a self-conscious attempt to screw up my own life, though usually it's because i feel like it's "deserved" for traits I can't even hope to change or things i haven't even done. usually my self-destructive tendencies are passive and entirely unintentional but I will actively fuck up my own life when i feel like a terrible person. Somehow, everything ends up fine in the end because I'm just stupid lucky and have too much si to fuck up too bad.

 

[Holu]

it's honestly a self-conscious attempt to screw up my own life, though usually it's because i feel like it's "deserved" for traits I can't even hope to change or things i haven't even done. usually my self-destructive tendencies are passive and entirely unintentional but I will actively fuck up my own life when i feel like a terrible person. Somehow, everything ends up fine in the end because I'm just stupid lucky and have too much si to fuck up too bad.

It's incredibly cringe to say I crave death but I absolutely desire for that shit. I'd probably KMS if it meant I could die. That being said I'm kept in line by some POS part of my brain and I don't know why. It just perpetuates suffering. You and me can both be god awful people if it means that ultimately such suffering turns to peace one way or another.
I am very sorry for your suffering though. You wouldn't throw away something you see as "stupid lucky" unless there was something equally as powerful harassing you.

 

[CentreMid]

I know this feeling all too well. I grew up in chaos, and that feels familiar and more right to me than peace, so I unconscioiusly try to ruin everything I have to achieve that sense of "normalcy" (chaos). It's a horrible place to be tbh, wish I could just get out of it and spare everyone around me the pain of having to put up with me any longer.