Self-care past suicidality

[GhostInTheMachine]

All right so, currently I'm in the weird middle point of wanting to CTB soon, but being blood boiling angry with my current condition. I've thus been recently doing small things like dieting and exercising more to try and make myself feel marginally better about myself. Even in my worst bouts of depression, I've always just have a tic where I need to be clean because my brain freaks out when in squalor. This has made it easier for me to hide my current mental state since people don't clock me as "letting myself go", and it makes it easier for me to avoid having to talk about how suicidal I am. My logic really boils down to "until I'm absolutely ready to die, I'm going to keep putting up a fight".

So, things have indeed been improving for me. I have a part-time job, I'm getting fit, I'm still trying to work on my personal hobbies and art, I'm still in a great relationship with my BF, and I've gotten most of my ducks in a row. It has indeed helped me with my day to day modes of thinking, but overall I'm still pretty fucking miserable. I refuse to seek therapy, but I have a decent social network of friends who all genuinely care about me and are helpful when they can. Call it vanity, but I at least want to be able to look at myself in my final moments and say "it was a good run" before I either pull the trigger or step on the pedal.

I know that a lot of my pain comes from things that I can change, but the foundation of it lies in that which I can't. In essence, I'm just trying to buy a little more time and see if maybe I can tolerate the pain enough to grit my teeth through it. I have time, I'll be here a while, but I know that eventually I'll have to face the music. Might as well try to kick life in the teeth while I'm still here.

 

[loser4ever4life]

I honestly commend you on fighting through it, that same mentality carried me for a long time. Call it whatever you want; spite, vanity, anger, or grit, it allows you to carry yourself till tomorrow, and that's all that matters imo. You've got a good head on your shoulders it seems.

Just a warning, there will be days where that fight in you might fade, it's important to keep going even when you might not see a point. Wish you all the best

 

[UnnamedGuy]

The fact you've shared your story shows you're willingness to persevere and give life another chance. You're definitely taking the right approach and I hope it helps you feel better about life. I'm not the type that enjoys dieting or getting exercise (I'm a bit lazy, I won't lie) however, I know I need to get back on the wagon and do pretty much what you're doing.

Years ago, I was a job that I wasn't enjoying, gave me nothing but anxiety however, I started riding my bike into work. I was always told it makes you feel better (which I didn't believe at the time) however, my mood was very different after getting to work, for the better. So it seems exercise does play a massive part in our mental health.

Keep at it dude, you're definitely on the right track.

 

[Linda]

All right so, currently I'm in the weird middle point of wanting to CTB soon, but being blood boiling angry with my current condition. I've thus been recently doing small things like dieting and exercising more to try and make myself feel marginally better about myself. Even in my worst bouts of depression, I've always just have a tic where I need to be clean because my brain freaks out when in squalor. This has made it easier for me to hide my current mental state since people don't clock me as "letting myself go", and it makes it easier for me to avoid having to talk about how suicidal I am. My logic really boils down to "until I'm absolutely ready to die, I'm going to keep putting up a fight".

So, things have indeed been improving for me. I have a part-time job, I'm getting fit, I'm still trying to work on my personal hobbies and art, I'm still in a great relationship with my BF, and I've gotten most of my ducks in a row. It has indeed helped me with my day to day modes of thinking, but overall I'm still pretty fucking miserable. I refuse to seek therapy, but I have a decent social network of friends who all genuinely care about me and are helpful when they can. Call it vanity, but I at least want to be able to look at myself in my final moments and say "it was a good run" before I either pull the trigger or step on the pedal.

I know that a lot of my pain comes from things that I can change, but the foundation of it lies in that which I can't. In essence, I'm just trying to buy a little more time and see if maybe I can tolerate the pain enough to grit my teeth through it. I have time, I'll be here a while, but I know that eventually I'll have to face the music. Might as well try to kick life in the teeth while I'm still here.

If you are getting something out of life, it's probably worth carrying on. I concluded when I was about 15 than life was nothing special, to put it mildly, and I haven't changed my mind and I'm now 71. But I have got enough out of life on a day to day basis to be still here.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi.
I'd just like to quickly acknowledge the merit of what you have accomplished. I feel it's worth doing so. It takes tremendous effort to be suicidal and have these thoughts eating you up and yet to find it in you to do all the things you've done to better yourself. It's a lot of will and struggle.
So If by any chance you are not valuing yourself in that regard, or not enough, please do. Every bit you feel better is well earned and deserved.

Also I totally get why you avoid talking about how suicidal you are to those around you, but I'm glad you have a great support network and are also finding an outlet for those thoughts here. I would ask if you dont mind why you refuse to seek therapy. Just would like to know.

In any case, I wish you all the best in your fight, even in the bad days. I hope the pain becomes more tolerable and your opponent gets tired with time. Stick a while keep it up and the brain might even change its music for you. Who knows. Lots of hugs at ya <33

(also reki in you pfp l o v e <333333333)

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

If you are getting something out of life, it's probably worth carrying on. I concluded when I was about 15 than life was nothing special, to put it mildly, and I haven't changed my mind and I'm now 71. But I have got enough out of life on a day to day basis to be still here.

Wow, that's honestly inspring because I had a similar thought process at about that age too. I also have a strong fear of becoming elderly due to being afraid of losing my physical ability with the throes of age. To know that you made it well over half a century feeling similar is a testament to the human spirit, and I salute you. I suppose the little things really do matter the most.

Hi.
I'd just like to quickly acknowledge the merit of what you have accomplished. I feel it's worth doing so. It takes tremendous effort to be suicidal and have these thoughts eating you up and yet to find it in you to do all the things you've done to better yourself. It's a lot of will and struggle.
So If by any chance you are not valuing yourself in that regard, or not enough, please do. Every bit you feel better is well earned and deserved.

Also I totally get why you avoid talking about how suicidal you are to those around you, but I'm glad you have a great support network and are also finding an outlet for those thoughts here. I would ask if you dont mind why you refuse to seek therapy. Just would like to know.

In any case, I wish you all the best in your fight, even in the bad days. I hope the pain becomes more tolerable and your opponent gets tired with time. Stick a while keep it up and the brain might even change its music for you. Who knows. Lots of hugs at ya <33

(also reki in you pfp l o v e <333333333)

Thank you for your kind words, they genuienly brought a tear to my eye. I am trying my best to upkeep my struggle. Hopefully, one day I may be able to see the value of what I've done, but it's hard.

Regarding therapy, I simply do not trust Psychology as a field for a plethora of reasons. While I understand that some have had good experiences, a significant number of people are simply exploited by the system for profit, and I question the very foundation upon which many diagnoses are rested upon. Alot of my deeper thoughts are also ones that I wouldn't even share here. Not because I don't trust this community, but because I know we're being watched, and I don't want to give the government any evidence with which to prosecute me with.

 

[fallingtopieces]

If you are getting something out of life, it's probably worth carrying on. I concluded when I was about 15 than life was nothing special, to put it mildly, and I haven't changed my mind and I'm now 71. But I have got enough out of life on a day to day basis to be still here.

Linda! We've missed you! I know I'm not the only one. So good to see you, it's been awhile.
I wondered about you from time to time, missed seeing your posts.

 

[Linda]

Wow, that's honestly inspring because I had a similar thought process at about that age too. I also have a strong fear of becoming elderly due to being afraid of losing my physical ability with the throes of age. To know that you made it well over half a century feeling similar is a testament to the human spirit, and I salute you. I suppose the little things really do matter the most.




Thank you for your kind words, they genuienly brought a tear to my eye. I am trying my best to upkeep my struggle. Hopefully, one day I may be able to see the value of what I've done, but it's hard.

Regarding therapy, I simply do not trust Psychology as a field for a plethora of reasons. While I understand that some have had good experiences, a significant number of people are simply exploited by the system for profit, and I question the very foundation upon which many diagnoses are rested upon. Alot of my deeper thoughts are also ones that I wouldn't even share here. Not because I don't trust this community, but because I know we're being watched, and I don't want to give the government any evidence with which to prosecute me with.

Don't be afraid of becoming elderly. So long as your health is OK, you will be fine. If your health deteriorates badly, you can always ctb. I am just about to complete my life's work, and I'm looking for a new challenge, so I don't get bored.

Linda! We've missed you! I know I'm not the only one. So good to see you, it's been awhile.
I wondered about you from time to time, missed seeing your posts.

I deliberately took a long break. I felt I needed it.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Thank you for your replies, I really needed them. I'm glad you have been able to complete your life's work and still have motivation to find new horizons afterwards, that is truly aging with grace. I hope that I can manage a similar journey going forward if all goes well.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I resonate with this a lot. I have good days and I have miserable days. I have times I make it out to the gym, and then days when I am here. I had someone in my life tell me this morning how 'resilient' I am, and tonight I'm back to planning the end. I don't know if it's just trying to get the nerves, or stop being distracted or what, but it's like being trapped between worlds and being strangled alive, and I'm so tired. I literally have weeks where i see nobody but a doctor, and have stopped trying to interact with anyone. It's too painful. It's not self care so much as 'eventually my brain fog will lift enough to end it, hopefully'