Hello,
I've been a casual lurker here... and have been wanting to make a post for awhile but well... never felt like I should. Well my desire for death feels super edgy. Not serious at all. I'm still kinda embarrassed to even be making this post. But I just feel like it's time, I just want to tap out already and have been flickering... teetering on this seasaw for awhile with varying levels of intensity.
I'm a toxic person. Simply put if I spilled every recent or past thing here there's not a doubt. I'm judgemental, have anger issues, can't and refuses to communicate... I'm combative... all in all. I am unbearable to be around for the most part... not all doom and gloom. But my rough edges are beginning... I started to say... but for awhile has cut too deep.
Currently I'm scared of being doxxed because of how toxic I've been online. My relationships ... my immediate ones are either floundering or at the threat of it. I'm worried that if doxxed how the consequences could impact my family... I'm guilty over and overwhelmed by my own toxicity regarding my family...
There's other stuff too... I do have gripes about my family. My situation. My life. I don't like the current climate of my country... I don't like how poor my integrity is regarding following through on my values... Choosing love is like an illusion for me, I can't seem to be anything more than what I currently am... it seems impossible to move past this point and I'm tired of it.
I tried to think of reasons to stay. But I can't think of anything past the end of next year. I planned to earn as much money, erase threats to livelihood, fulfill promises made, and lessen the burden of things (e.g. clear out my stuff)...
I want to make my body unretrievable. I want it to sunk to where it can't be found. I don't have the current means to do so...
I know the ebb will flow to me being in a better mood... but even in those good mood this thought persists. It's moved beyond just wanting the stress and turmoil to stop. It's truly just a notion. I don't want to be here. I can't be flexible and weather this up and down... I'm in therapy. I'm seeing a pychtrist... I was reading books about anger. I'm not even sad or scared.. as much anymore. I'm not grieving anymore.
For awhile I used to cry at the thought of me dead. Currently I'm resolved. I still have some fear mostly in doing it wrong, ending up worse... and what comes after being worse. But all in all. I just want to stop. Not in a mean way, not in a hysterical way. It's just I can't think of a means quicker to resolve my situation. I'm not very patient person... I'm even more so when I feel a sense of urgency.
I know things are gonna get worse. There are also gonna be periods of things getting better. I even bet tomorrow if gonna be fine, excellent even. But I don't want to keep doing this...
I've been a casual lurker here... and have been wanting to make a post for awhile but well... never felt like I should. Well my desire for death feels super edgy. Not serious at all. I'm still kinda embarrassed to even be making this post. But I just feel like it's time, I just want to tap out already and have been flickering... teetering on this seasaw for awhile with varying levels of intensity.
I'm a toxic person. Simply put if I spilled every recent or past thing here there's not a doubt. I'm judgemental, have anger issues, can't and refuses to communicate... I'm combative... all in all. I am unbearable to be around for the most part... not all doom and gloom. But my rough edges are beginning... I started to say... but for awhile has cut too deep.
Currently I'm scared of being doxxed because of how toxic I've been online. My relationships ... my immediate ones are either floundering or at the threat of it. I'm worried that if doxxed how the consequences could impact my family... I'm guilty over and overwhelmed by my own toxicity regarding my family...
There's other stuff too... I do have gripes about my family. My situation. My life. I don't like the current climate of my country... I don't like how poor my integrity is regarding following through on my values... Choosing love is like an illusion for me, I can't seem to be anything more than what I currently am... it seems impossible to move past this point and I'm tired of it.
I tried to think of reasons to stay. But I can't think of anything past the end of next year. I planned to earn as much money, erase threats to livelihood, fulfill promises made, and lessen the burden of things (e.g. clear out my stuff)...
I want to make my body unretrievable. I want it to sunk to where it can't be found. I don't have the current means to do so...
I know the ebb will flow to me being in a better mood... but even in those good mood this thought persists. It's moved beyond just wanting the stress and turmoil to stop. It's truly just a notion. I don't want to be here. I can't be flexible and weather this up and down... I'm in therapy. I'm seeing a pychtrist... I was reading books about anger. I'm not even sad or scared.. as much anymore. I'm not grieving anymore.
For awhile I used to cry at the thought of me dead. Currently I'm resolved. I still have some fear mostly in doing it wrong, ending up worse... and what comes after being worse. But all in all. I just want to stop. Not in a mean way, not in a hysterical way. It's just I can't think of a means quicker to resolve my situation. I'm not very patient person... I'm even more so when I feel a sense of urgency.
I know things are gonna get worse. There are also gonna be periods of things getting better. I even bet tomorrow if gonna be fine, excellent even. But I don't want to keep doing this...
