Venting Seeing it from the other side

[ma0]

Yesterday, a friend of mine talked about their own plans to CTB in the future. It was in a gc, so there was a lot of discourse, a lot of pleading, and a lot of trying to reason with them. They didn't seem to be in a very good headspace though, as they kept answering questions in a really pessimistic and nihilistic way. In the end, they just went to bed, and we all got along with our nights.

I was asleep for all of it. I had a horrible migraine, so I napped for a few hours. I did read everything that happened afterwards though, and honestly, it's probably for the best I wasn't involved, considering the thoughts and opinions I hold. I would've just made everything worse.

I did feel concerned though, a deep ache, coupled with an entire night's worth of overthinking. Should I even feel worried, considering that I'm planning to do the same? Should I say anything to stop them? Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? Is it even a big deal, considering their plans are 8 years away, while mine are in 3 months? Shouldn't I focus on myself?

I then realised that I was seeing this whole "suicide" thing from the opposite perspective, this is exactly what people felt when I talked to them about my own plans. Now I just feel like a piece of shit, knowing that people have had their own nights of worry over the things I've said to them. It kind of makes me second guess everything. Don't get me wrong, I'll still probably follow through, but I feel a lot worse about it.

Most of all though, I just hope my friend's okay.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sure as friends, we want to be there for one another. We'd probably want to feel like a friend could tell us honestly where they were at. If they just did it without giving any warning, I suppose that would cause hurt too. But, it seems natural you have mixed feelings about it.

Maybe there's that dilema with everyone. Anxiety that it is in fact the right choice for them. Wondering if there are other options out there. Wondering if we should do more. If they want us to. What if they don't now but, ultimately do in future? Plus, all the time, feeling it's their decision to make and, the importance of self determination too. It must be a horrible situation to be in.

Maybe because there's no way of knowing what the right thing to do actually is. If only we had a crystal ball. If only we could tell others and ourselves whether things would eventually turn around or not.

We're only human too. Who wants to lose the people they care about and who makes their lives brighter? I'm so sorry. It must be a gnawing thought for you. Plus yeah- complicated.

I wish there was an easier answer. I'm a bit on the other side of this- like you also, where I've had 3 nights now of very little sleep because I feel so anxious about possibly telling my Dad. I'll only tell him if I definitely plan to do it imminently- so it will be less of a shock but, it's massively difficult.

It's also so hard for us though too- don't you think? To keep it bottled up inside. On the one hand, we actually honour people with trust when we tell them. With the hopes they will try to understand but, there's no getting away from what a massive burden and worry it must be to know. Does your friend know about your intentions?

 

[ma0]

Does your friend know about your intentions?

No, not yet at least. Realistically, that's bound to change. When they do find out though, it's a question of how it'll change their perspective on things. They might come to the same realisation I did, or maybe not.