Second attempt failed, boyfriend left, borderline homeless

[Opichi]

1st attempt - Oct 31st 2022.

Boyfriend (now ex, let's call him J) and I were planning to go through with CTB together with carbon monoxide poisoning. Had everything ready. Campsite booked, tent, car, 2 bbq's, starter, coal, the whole shabang. Moment comes and we both crumble under our emotions and decide to call his relative for help. We couldn't go through with it because of how scared we were. I believe we should've prepared more for this by buying sleeping pills and alcohol.

2nd attempt - December 15th 2022

J and I decide to actually try going through with it this time as our suicidal urges are overwhelming when we're in the normal world. We left his relatives house without saying anything and drove out to a different city. Same deal with the old plan, yet the night it was supposed to happen, he left in the middle of the night with the car back to his relatives city (8 hours away) to admit himself into the hospital.

fuck.

I get it though. I understand. He didn't want to die in the end and this was his last resort or cry for help. People need to always look out for themselves and this was him doing that. I'm upset, yes, but in the big picture, I can't be upset at him for wanting to better himself. Even if that meant sacrificing an obvious toxic relationship.

What's sad is that I feel less suicidal without him as well. Maybe it was for the best.

Currently, I'm in the hospital waiting to be admitted as well since there wasn't any beds available tonight for shelters. This is the first time I've ever been homeless and I'm a bit worried as I'm also 2 months pregnant waiting to get an abortion done.

God, what a cluster fuck of a situation. Makes me think that this could be the start of a movie plot I'd enjoy watching (just not living.. lol)
Also, because of our brains being put together and never being able to form a proper plan due to overwhelming emotion, we were both put in the news as a missing couple that absolutely blew up in our province. We didn't tell his relative so this was an obvious outcome. Makes me feel embarrassed to go through this at 24 instead of my teenage years. The fun feeling of running off to committ suicide has always resonated a feeling of "home" within me and always has. I feel like an attempted murderer for bringing someone else into this world of mine.

Anyone else got a story like this to share?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Whatever happens, I just hope you are OK.

 

[Outandproud]

How are you now? Its ok to have an abortion, its a good choise. I had one too when i was young. Im sorry things get to this point for you, and also i feel sorry that your boyfriend leaft u alone, pregnant, homeless and suicidal.. thats not something anyone should do

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Pay my phone I'm terribly sorry your experiencing this but I will say you are in the right place. You're taking the right steps. When I first we came home was when I was 16 the first thing I did was go to the emergency room and have myself admitted so that I could get somewhere where I'd have time to think about what I was going to do and at least have a roof over my head and some meals while I did so. The caseworker ended up helping me get to somewhere after I was released and they paid for the ride and everything mind you I did end up in some kind of homeless program but I mean at least I wasn't just on the streets. I did eventually end up on the streets as I got kicked out of that program so I have been on the streets a lot but typically when I'm in some city or state and I don't know what to do I just go to the ER and get admitted.
I wish you the best
And hope they get you some help