Scared

[DepressedAngel]

I'm crying I don't want to get butterflies when I see my best friend. I'm so tired of change and maybe not being straight. It's not that I have a problem being bi it's just so much to deal with figuring out right now. I'm so tired of this. Sometimes I wish I could just be numb again so I wouldn't have to deal with this. But I honestly love having feelings and feeling human and having mood swings and everything. The warmer weather here has made me happy even if doesn't last and even that short happiness keeps me going. Do you think I will ever be able to recover? Because right now it feels like everything overwhelms me and makes me want to cry. Even over the good things I start crying. Also, how do you know when you have a crush on someone? Or when you like them as more than a friend? Because I'm mostly getting butterflies around her, and I think she's very pretty and I would definitely make out with her if I had the chance....but I don't know. I feel like people will hate me if I decide I'm straight or if I get better and recover. Would people here hate me if i got better? I'm so scared of going back and of getting better. I'm so sorry my thoughts are all over the place and this doesn't make any sense. I love everyone here so much, thank you for being so supportive of me. Sending love

 

[Innereye]

emotions are hard haha, there is no "knowing." (subjective experience and all that) things like Love and attraction is whatever you define them to be, sure many people have similarities between their definitions but its not a black and white formula.

 

[jgm63]

I'm crying I don't want to get butterflies when I see my best friend. I'm so tired of change and maybe not being straight. It's not that I have a problem being bi it's just so much to deal with figuring out right now. I'm so tired of this. Sometimes I wish I could just be numb again so I wouldn't have to deal with this. But I honestly love having feelings and feeling human and having mood swings and everything. The warmer weather here has made me happy even if doesn't last and even that short happiness keeps me going. Do you think I will ever be able to recover? Because right now it feels like everything overwhelms me and makes me want to cry. Even over the good things I start crying. Also, how do you know when you have a crush on someone? Or when you like them as more than a friend? Because I'm mostly getting butterflies around her, and I think she's very pretty and I would definitely make out with her if I had the chance....but I don't know. I feel like people will hate me if I decide I'm straight or if I get better and recover. Would people here hate me if i got better? I'm so scared of going back and of getting better. I'm so sorry my thoughts are all over the place and this doesn't make any sense. I love everyone here so much, thank you for being so supportive of me. Sending love

All you can do is be in the moment, each moment.
There's no escape from many of the pains of this existence when it comes to love.
Those things have to run their course, which is the richness and fullness of life.
Otherwise you would miss out on the agony that is what makes life real, and which makes up the journey of your soul.
You shouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks.
Your journey is unique, and anyone who wants to judge you or de-friend you is no longer worth knowing.
And that's how life is anyhow - most friends are not permanent....
So just see how things unfold....
And you'll be welcome here, regardless of how much better you get...

 

[porfin1234]

This post really warms my heart. I think it's beautiful what you said about loving feeling all ranges of emotion.

It sounds like you do have feelings for your friend.

What do you mean by people will hate you if you feel better or recover?

I understand the fear of getting better. I am not sure if it's the case with you but I think when we get used to not doing well / negativity being happy and well feels uncomfortable and scary- because just like when you're in love, you're vulnerable when you're happy because it can be taken away from you. But what's life if we don't take risks for our happiness and growth :)

Sending love and light!

 

[DepressedAngel]

All you can do is be in the moment, each moment.
There's no escape from many of the pains of this existence when it comes to love.
Those things have to run their course, which is the richness and fullness of life.
Otherwise you would miss out on the agony that is what makes life real, and which makes up the journey of your soul.
You shouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks.
Your journey is unique, and anyone who wants to judge you or de-friend you is no longer worth knowing.
And that's how life is anyhow - most friends are not permanent....
So just see how things unfold....
And you'll be welcome here, regardless of how much better you get...

Thank you for saying that. Are you sure people here wouldn't hate me for giving up on ctb and for focusing on getting better? And yes, I suppose I'll just have to see how things unfold...Its just so hard not knowing...

This post really warms my heart. I think it's beautiful what you said about loving feeling all ranges of emotion.

It sounds like you do have feelings for your friend.

What do you mean by people will hate you if you feel better or recover?

I understand the fear of getting better. I am not sure if it's the case with you but I think when we get used to not doing well / negativity being happy and well feels uncomfortable and scary- because just like when you're in love, you're vulnerable when you're happy because it can be taken away from you. But what's life if we don't take risks for our happiness and growth :)

Sending love and light!

aww I'm happy it warmed your heart That makes me happy. And yes, i am kind of scared of getting better. Getting better is venturing into the unknown, while staying in the darkness inside of me is much safer. I guess I'll just have to risk being vulnerable, I feel the only alternative to feeling this bad is to ctb.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I'm crying I don't want to get butterflies when I see my best friend. I'm so tired of change and maybe not being straight. It's not that I have a problem being bi it's just so much to deal with figuring out right now. I'm so tired of this. Sometimes I wish I could just be numb again so I wouldn't have to deal with this. But I honestly love having feelings and feeling human and having mood swings and everything. The warmer weather here has made me happy even if doesn't last and even that short happiness keeps me going. Do you think I will ever be able to recover? Because right now it feels like everything overwhelms me and makes me want to cry. Even over the good things I start crying. Also, how do you know when you have a crush on someone? Or when you like them as more than a friend? Because I'm mostly getting butterflies around her, and I think she's very pretty and I would definitely make out with her if I had the chance....but I don't know. I feel like people will hate me if I decide I'm straight or if I get better and recover. Would people here hate me if i got better? I'm so scared of going back and of getting better. I'm so sorry my thoughts are all over the place and this doesn't make any sense. I love everyone here so much, thank you for being so supportive of me. Sending love

I would be over the moon if you got better, would make me so happy that you weren't in turmoil and suffering anymore. I dont believe in hate and especially wouldn't dislike someone because things got better for them, would simply be overjoyed it had happened xx

 

[jgm63]

Thank you for saying that. Are you sure people here wouldn't hate me for giving up on ctb and for focusing on getting better? And yes, I suppose I'll just have to see how things unfold...Its just so hard not knowing...

aww I'm happy it warmed your heart That makes me happy. And yes, i am kind of scared of getting better. Getting better is venturing into the unknown, while staying in the darkness inside of me is much safer. I guess I'll just have to risk being vulnerable, I feel the only alternative to feeling this bad is to ctb.

Of course people won't hate you for focusing on getting better.
There are very few "haters" on this site.
From everything I've seen, everybody wishes everybody well in 99.9% of cases.
I have seen many times where people have given encouragement to people who are trying to recover.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Wow no, no one's gonna hate you! Get better! Sounds like you are in love. What a magnificent and confusing feeling. Being in love transcends any sexuality. Be honest with yourself and follow your instincts. Even if it doesn't work out you owe it to yourself to try.

 

[DepressedAngel]

I would be over the moon if you got better, would make me so happy that you weren't in turmoil and suffering anymore. I dont believe in hate and especially wouldn't dislike someone because things got better for them, would simply be overjoyed it had happened xx

thank you so much!

Of course people won't hate you for focusing on getting better.
There are very few "haters" on this site.
From everything I've seen, everybody wishes everybody well in 99.9% of cases.
I have seen many times where people have given encouragement to people who are trying to recover.

You're right, just for some reason I feel like there's something wrong with me that people maybe think I'm a monster and would just rather have me dead.

 

[jgm63]

thank you so much!

You're right, just for some reason I feel like there's something wrong with me that people maybe think I'm a monster and would just rather have me dead.

Oh yes, you're completely correct about that part.... JOKING !
No, we don't think that at all....

 

[DepressedAngel]

Oh yes, you're completely correct about that part.... JOKING !
No, we don't think that at all....

aww okay :) that makes me happy. Maybe one day I won't see myself as a monster too!