Scared of fucking this up

[expired_dreams]

I'm catching my bus on veteran's day.

I'm scared of fucking this up.

I just want to go peacefully.

My chronic lower back pain is too much. I can't take this anymore. It's fucking debilitating even with nerve pain blockers.

I just hope my family knows I never meant to hurt them.

Nobody will ever understand the shit I've been through physically and mentally. Nor would anything change if someone could.

I miss my ex's aus cattle dog, Ruby. So so much. She was such a good girl. Such a pure soul.

I might write a more formal goodbye letter soon. I don't know. Don't have the energy. Haven't thought that far ahead yet.

I don't even know why I'm posting as nothing really even matters. Hell I could just not come into work tomorrow. What're they gonna do, fire me?

No.. Have to keep it hidden. Can't let anyone know. That's how I ended up in cop cars and ambulances and the ward on a 5150 and jail in a turtle suit before. Can't let that happen again.

Kind of funny just thinking about how all utterly pointless it all is -- I just live in luxury poverty. One check away from homelessness again.

We truly live in a dystopia.

Fuck this shit, man.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so horrible how people even have to fear a suicide attempt going wrong in the first place, it's such a cruel existence where we cannot just easily die in peace. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.