Everyone,
Today I read a post that really made me think. For days I've lived on this forum looking for a method to ctb. I was a stones throw away from ordering SN and begin to gather everything else necessary to not fail. I told myself it was the only direction I could go and yes it gave me comfort. I have mental illness, severe depression and am not taking the meds I should. It occurred to me maybe I do have a chance to start over. I asked myself if maybe I'm hiding in thoughts of ctb just because I don't want to deal with anymore shit. Yes, I'm going through a divorce, my wife of 19 years left me. Soon I lose the house because it needs to be sold. Lost my job almost 5 years ago because of mental illness and haven't worked since. I've had 4 suicide attempts and have spent a lot of time in mental facilities. I've also recently been diagnosed with severe heart disease and need a quadruple bypass. I'm only 49. All this may not seem like a lot to some but after almost 5 years it was more then I could take. Also a while back my wife gave me a mixture of her pain killers and my benzos and told me to take it all. What kind of wife does that? No, she wasn't being merciful if that's what you're thinking. If I die she wins, she takes everything, she will find someone else and enjoy life. Part of me now wants to live just to prevent that. But the bigger part now wants to see what's on the horizon for me. I can't use death as a safe place anymore. Let's face it, ctb isn't easy. It's not an easy choice nor is it easy to execute. Honestly I'm terrified of a failure and don't see myself trying it again.
For those who don't know. I recently tried to ctb using Xanax. About 160 2mg pills. Before I found SS I was naïve. I really thought it would kill me. But it never would have happened. Said goodbye to my friends and everything. Well it didn't kill me or cause any damage thankfully. But I was forced to stay in a mental facility for a good while. Inside I was conflicted, but when I got out I only wanted death again. I guess what Im trying to say is sometimes the mind pushes you in a direction. what may seem safe may not be.
Having said all this I've decided to give SS a break. Force myself to get into a different routine and see how it works out. Try taking some advice from a good friend. I just want to say this is a personal decision and I'm not saying anyone should do as I am. I will miss the people here and yes the comfort I got from you all. In the end we are all struggling, I just need to try and find myself again. I may be back, who knows but I wish you all peace and hope each and everyone one of you finds the right path.
Today I read a post that really made me think. For days I've lived on this forum looking for a method to ctb. I was a stones throw away from ordering SN and begin to gather everything else necessary to not fail. I told myself it was the only direction I could go and yes it gave me comfort. I have mental illness, severe depression and am not taking the meds I should. It occurred to me maybe I do have a chance to start over. I asked myself if maybe I'm hiding in thoughts of ctb just because I don't want to deal with anymore shit. Yes, I'm going through a divorce, my wife of 19 years left me. Soon I lose the house because it needs to be sold. Lost my job almost 5 years ago because of mental illness and haven't worked since. I've had 4 suicide attempts and have spent a lot of time in mental facilities. I've also recently been diagnosed with severe heart disease and need a quadruple bypass. I'm only 49. All this may not seem like a lot to some but after almost 5 years it was more then I could take. Also a while back my wife gave me a mixture of her pain killers and my benzos and told me to take it all. What kind of wife does that? No, she wasn't being merciful if that's what you're thinking. If I die she wins, she takes everything, she will find someone else and enjoy life. Part of me now wants to live just to prevent that. But the bigger part now wants to see what's on the horizon for me. I can't use death as a safe place anymore. Let's face it, ctb isn't easy. It's not an easy choice nor is it easy to execute. Honestly I'm terrified of a failure and don't see myself trying it again.
For those who don't know. I recently tried to ctb using Xanax. About 160 2mg pills. Before I found SS I was naïve. I really thought it would kill me. But it never would have happened. Said goodbye to my friends and everything. Well it didn't kill me or cause any damage thankfully. But I was forced to stay in a mental facility for a good while. Inside I was conflicted, but when I got out I only wanted death again. I guess what Im trying to say is sometimes the mind pushes you in a direction. what may seem safe may not be.
Having said all this I've decided to give SS a break. Force myself to get into a different routine and see how it works out. Try taking some advice from a good friend. I just want to say this is a personal decision and I'm not saying anyone should do as I am. I will miss the people here and yes the comfort I got from you all. In the end we are all struggling, I just need to try and find myself again. I may be back, who knows but I wish you all peace and hope each and everyone one of you finds the right path.
