Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 21,030
........but who knows how long that'll last? I always feel pretty good after meeting with my therapist but eventually the feeling does fade and I have nothing to show for it. Maybe I just like to have someone to stand around and let me vent about my issues. This time though she gave some pretty decent insight that I can actually use going forward. At least she knows about my plan to ctb at 30 and she doesn't report on it because that's far enough in the future that it seems changeable to her I guess.
In terms of my heartbreak dilemma, I was initially hesitant about reaching out, but after showing my therapists bits and pieces of my chats with the woman I was talking to before, my therapist actually helped me realize that if I really left it where it is now, the regret would probably consume me for far too long to make a difference. I think I will actually send her just a simple message that goes along the lines of "Hey, I've had some thoughts and deliberations about what you've said since then. Would you like to hear them?" and then hopefully she will respond. If she decides to block me or confirm once and for all that it's actually over then at least it's not any worse for me than it is right now. I thought that was a good point at least.
Now there is the chance that my therapist is trying to get me to stay alive because I have made it very clear that I'm a stubborn idiot who refuses to open myself up to anyone new again after this incident. I already promised myself before this all happened that the next time I fall in love better be my last because I'm just so goddamn sick of feeling lonely and rejected all the time that I'd much rather die alone if no one else is going to come forward. I'm done chasing after women because in the end I'm just too much of a beta male or whatever it's called to feel comfortable with that and my insecurity is so ingrained that it can't be removed as long as I am doing the pursuing. Is this selfish? Extremely. I just don't care anymore. If there's any one out there in the world who actually has the gall to be attracted to me they better tell me so I can either shoot them down immediately or not feel like such a creep because I wouldn't have to confirm any further that they like me. I am aware that this is basically me holding my own recovery hostage but serves that asshole right. He put me in this spot of misery in the first place so why should he get to recover and feel better and have a good life???
Sorry, I went on a bit of a tangent at the end there. However this ends, I think it will only be for my own selfish gains. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I just want to be free of this burden to actually be good all the time. Just release me into hell with all the other demons and selfish creatures. Anyway, even though I do want to message her now, I probably won't until after the coming Tuesday (the three week "anniversary" of her breaking it off with me).
In terms of my heartbreak dilemma, I was initially hesitant about reaching out, but after showing my therapists bits and pieces of my chats with the woman I was talking to before, my therapist actually helped me realize that if I really left it where it is now, the regret would probably consume me for far too long to make a difference. I think I will actually send her just a simple message that goes along the lines of "Hey, I've had some thoughts and deliberations about what you've said since then. Would you like to hear them?" and then hopefully she will respond. If she decides to block me or confirm once and for all that it's actually over then at least it's not any worse for me than it is right now. I thought that was a good point at least.
Now there is the chance that my therapist is trying to get me to stay alive because I have made it very clear that I'm a stubborn idiot who refuses to open myself up to anyone new again after this incident. I already promised myself before this all happened that the next time I fall in love better be my last because I'm just so goddamn sick of feeling lonely and rejected all the time that I'd much rather die alone if no one else is going to come forward. I'm done chasing after women because in the end I'm just too much of a beta male or whatever it's called to feel comfortable with that and my insecurity is so ingrained that it can't be removed as long as I am doing the pursuing. Is this selfish? Extremely. I just don't care anymore. If there's any one out there in the world who actually has the gall to be attracted to me they better tell me so I can either shoot them down immediately or not feel like such a creep because I wouldn't have to confirm any further that they like me. I am aware that this is basically me holding my own recovery hostage but serves that asshole right. He put me in this spot of misery in the first place so why should he get to recover and feel better and have a good life???
Sorry, I went on a bit of a tangent at the end there. However this ends, I think it will only be for my own selfish gains. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I just want to be free of this burden to actually be good all the time. Just release me into hell with all the other demons and selfish creatures. Anyway, even though I do want to message her now, I probably won't until after the coming Tuesday (the three week "anniversary" of her breaking it off with me).
