It's taken a long, long time for me to finally take control of my desire to CTB and put it ahead of everything and everyone else. You see, I've wanted to CTB for most of my life and I've always put it off, always thought I couldn't, but I CAN. I know I will hurt people, but how much pain have I gone through staying alive for everyone else all these years? I truly am sorry for the people I will hurt, it's not their fault, this is my decision and mine alone, I made a promise to myself to not see 2022 and unlike a million other similar promises, I'm keeping this one. I have let everyone else take control of my life and keep me here when I haven't wanted to stay, but that ends now, I can't stay any longer, I don't want to stay any longer. I never asked to be here, I've know people love me, it's not enough to overcome the pain, the emptiness, the depression, the anxiety. I want peace and I deserve peace and CTB is my only way to get peace. So to all those I hurt when I pull the trigger in the next few months, I'm sorry, but I can't continue living for you. Truth is, I've been dead inside for a long long time and it's time for eternal slumber.
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Snake of Eden
“Ye shall be as gods..🍎 🐍”
- Jun 22, 2021
- 2,473
It is heart breaking to know you have suffered for so long yet you stayed so not to hurt people who care for you. I am in the same position as you and I hope you finally find the peace you are longing for
Thank you friend. It's been a long, long life of masking myself, masking my depression and realizing that I truly can do this and be at peace. I don't want to hurt people and it's not their fault, but I can't do it anymore. It's a horrible position to be in, so I understand you. I hope you finally find the peace you are looking for as well whenever the time is right. I am hoping to do it by the end of November.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,823
I could never suffer for the sake of others, personally. It would be selfish of them to expect me to. It isn't as though I asked to be here in the first place so I have no obligation to stay alive. I know they would be sad though, but it wouldn't hold me back. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I wish you peace if your decision is to leave
i am so sorry you're suffering from depression and anxiety. I relate. I haven't been living for myself I been existing for others for a very very long time and it's unbearable. I wish I stayed focused years ago as soon as CTB crossed my mind years ago I could have been done by now.
beefbaby
meh.
- Aug 12, 2021
- 31
Hang in there, dude. I hope that one day you will find the peace in death that you couldn't find in life. Stay strong.
I have gone as far as I can staying for others and I TOTALLY agree, it would be selfish of them to expect me to stay. There just has been a constant worry of me hurting them which has kept me here far too long, but I am getting over that. My decision to leave had been made for years, it's just time to finally rest.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope so too, I really can't wait for the nothingness of death. I am so tired and want peace so bad, hopefully I can follow through and get it. Peace friend.
It truly is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. I have had depression/anxiety my whole life like many do. I have masked it a lot and still do, I know some people know, but they will never know or understand the depths of it. I am sorry you are suffering as well. I couldn't have said it better, I wish so much that I would have stayed focused years ago and done it, I feel it would have been easier on everyone, especially me and I could have been gone. Hopefully I can follow through and get peace and if your time comes, I wish you peace as well.
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leaf4
empty inside
- Oct 24, 2020
- 19
I feel you. I'm in a similar situation. I don't want to hurt people with me ctbing, but seeing me suffer for so long is also hurting them. I can only hope that they come to the conclusion that it was the best of the bad options. Over the years I learned that most of the people I hold dear are actually pro choice so I hope they will help the others to understand.
However you choose, may you find peace in your decision.
However you choose, may you find peace in your decision.
I feel your pain, I'm sorry you are going through similar feelings. I agree, I am subtly trying to let people know my true feelings/intentions. I hope they realize it really has nothing to do with them and it's ultimately my choice because it is. I feel it's my only option to peace. I wish you peace too friend, whatever decision you make I hope it brings peace.
RayofHope
Member
- Apr 29, 2021
- 14
Really feel for all who suffer on this site. I think some of us are tortured souls no matter what comes our way. The flip side is that often those who suffer the most have given us amazing literature, art and music. The solace for me is the older I get the faster life whizzes by. The one thing that can never be taken is my hope and so I plough on. I have seen the devastation of a mother who lost her child when they ctb. She found him and ran into the street screaming. He might have found peace but he passed on a baton of grief that his family will have to live with for the rest of their lives.
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