Venting Sad and Disillusioned

[BlackDoor]

Mid December, my favourite person erased himself from the planet via firearm in his garage. I was the last person to see him alive. I have always had passive ideation, as a matter of fact, I still do. I understand why he did it. Yet I am so conflicted wrestling with the selfish desire to keep him with me and to fantasize that there would have been any other way to end his pain. In doing so I admonish myself because I know he tried very hard within his capacity to make this life livable. I don't fault him, I don't blame him. I just miss the hell out of him. I loved him so much. I am watching others move on, people who don't feel or think about things as deeply, people who make up stories about their version of him, and I feel very lost and a bit guilty because I realize I was his safe place. I am really tired and disillusioned. I have a method, I think about it. One day, maybe I will follow when I'm finally sick of it all. I find people to be so disingenuous and a bit callous. No one really appears to wonder why he did it. I watched his abusers receive all the sympathy at his funeral. They violated his wishes he wrote in his will because it wasn't in the section where they would be legally compelled to comply with them.

I don't know what I am trying to say. I am just fucking sad I guess. The weight of meaninglessness feels pretty heavy right now.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's understandable you would be feeling all these mixed emotions. I wonder why they aren't questioning why. Guilt and shame maybe. Are they blaming it all on mental illness or something?

 

[BlackDoor]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's understandable you would be feeling all these mixed emotions. I wonder why they aren't questioning why. Guilt and shame maybe. Are they blaming it all on mental illness or something?

It's more that there was a lot of childhood abuse that resulted in religious trauma and ocd. They cared more about the state of his soul than caring for his physical and mental self here on earth. They painted him as an overachiever and perfectionist who couldn't handle stress. Like it was all his fault, like he was born broken with faulty wiring.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's more that there was a lot of childhood abuse that resulted in religious trauma and ocd. They cared more about the state of his soul than caring for his physical and mental self here on earth. They painted him as an overachiever and perfectionist who couldn't handle stress. Like it was all his fault, like he was born broken with faulty wiring.

That's got to be upsetting/ frustrating when you feel like you see the reality more.

Not that it's any kind of compensation but, I imagine it meant a lot to him that you knew the truth.

I have a childhood friend who knows the shit I went through. It's a weird kind of comfort for me that- if I do one day have the guts to go, they will know where all this began for me.

 

[fuzzypeach]

im sorry for your loss, suicide can be contagious