Venting SA feels inevitable for me

[hamm]

I have been sexually assualted by 5 (?) different men.
Starting from childhood, thanks to my addict mother that would always invite strange men into our home to keep her habits fed. My room had a sliding door, no lock. I dont even remember the actual event, events ?, or much of anything before the age of 10. But I still live with the physical and mental ramifications.

One of my only friends in school, and only boy that showed me much attention would grope me after graduation after getting me alone.

My first boyfriend, I was 18, he was 25. There were many issues in this 2 year relationship but thats not the point here. At least once a week I would wake up with him on top of me. He would be violent, choking me, I often would be bleeding afterwards. In the morning he would brush it off saying "I was asleep too"
I wish I didnt stay so long, but I was so desperate for love.

After this breakup, whilst constantly being threatened by this ex I took myself to a resort as it was all get too much.
I was drugged by much older man on the way back to my room. I just froze, all my previous experiences allowing me to be raped again.

2nd boyfriend, the first person I opened up to about any of this would use all of this against me. I wouldnt find out until after the breakup that he was doing several things without my knowledge and sharing illict pictures to all his friends.

All of these instances are different, I dont know how to prepare or spot the kind of person willing to do these things.
I try so hard
They say its my fault.

I live in constant paranoia and its hell.

 

[PenPen<3]

I'm so sorry to hear about that none of it was your fault :<
I wish I knew how to spot these kinds of people but I don't, all I would say is to talk to friends about the people you know/date so they can help vet from an outside perspective. Though I know a lot of it isn't preceded by getting to know the assailant so it's not that easy

 

[blisterinthesun]

I just want to echo that it isn't your fault.

The way you describe the fourth example of a lowlife scumbag assaulting you as "all of my previous experiences allowing me to be raped again" makes it sound like you've accepted the idea that you played a part in what happened to you.

You really are not to blame for these awful awful things happening. I know it can be hard to believe though and I only wish I could somehow share with you my absolute certainty of this fact.

I'm sorry you've experienced all of this.
Are there any support organisations (I'm thinking of rape crisis, which is what we have in the UK) that you can go to to discuss all of this? I feel like it is something you should talk about with a sensitive and specialised professional who can get to know your personal circumstances. I really advise that if you haven't tried it already.