Help Ruined my sisters life

[Iman]

Moved into an apartment with my sister.
Expressed my feelings of not wanting to exist during a conversation.
Caused her to pretty much feel the same way.
Was actually hoping for a moment she would ctb so that I could ctb, or we could ctb together.
Realized how much pain she was going through, because that's not something that she wants.
At least that's what I feel like. Not sure what to believe anymore.
Said I wanted to give life another chance to her, because I am scum and just wanted to find out what she really wants.
She made it seem like she was happy that I changed my mind, but it just seems like she is now on a downward spiral.

So much to me trying to get better
Lately my feelings towards other people are becoming more and more unstable
I don't want to go into too much detail of my exact thoughts, because I am afraid of the police knocking on my door.

It's not like I even ever attempted ctb before. So it's basically just all thoughts in my head.
But I really don't like the direction that I am going towards right now.
I really should have just trusted my intuition and went through with ctb, instead of complicating things by overthinking things.
Thinking what my family will think or how they will feel.
I shouldn't have listened to this stupid shit: " It get's better. You are to young. You should try everything to get better. You should talk about your feelings."
Sometimes it's just better to shut the fuck up, something that I have pretty much done my whole life, because of my anxiety and general apathy and had done everyone the favor of just killing myself.
I am pretty sure I would have caused a lot less trouble that way.

Any advice on how to make things right?

 

[Jodes]

I'm going to go towards the pro-life arguments here. But I do think it'll help if you bear with me. Not that there's any easy solution. Life fucking sucks.

That is an extremely hard situation. I can only empathise as far as my partner is on a downward spiral with me, except she's absolutely just depressed and not suicidal. I'm suicidal and angry. And my anger's feeding hers. We are out of options, no money, tiny flat. She barely gives me 2 minutes to talk about how I feel.

I'm like 95% sure people feed off each other and tend towards the extremes. Which is why sites like this can be bad, and situations like ours bad, unless we are aware of the tendancies and work to avoid them. Get space, spend time with happier, less suicidal people, or people with some answers for you. Or at least, support and understanding!!!! When you can, help her do the same. Watch how you talk to her, because it reflects back onto you very quickly. Short interactions make it easier to do that.

My only advice is: get space. Go as far away as you can, whether in the apartment, room or mentally. Headphones/earplugs, TV/games etc, put up dividers in rooms to maximise separation. Go outside. Walks. Anything to get space and preferably meet other people. You should find, I hope, that there will be things you want to do, even if it is improve the comfort in your tent as you sleep in the garden!!!

 

[Iman]

Thanks for the reply @Jodes
Seems like good advice
Going to bed for now, because my head feels like it's about to explode from the constant back and forth of my thoughts

 

[Jodes]

Also the more time you spend in an environment with people with unusual beliefs etc, the more separate and alienated you feel from other mainstream groups. This can amplify itself since you then start looking for even more extreme groups that you know you are more likely to fit in than the mainstream ones. It's virtually impossible these days not to end up in an echo chamber. You just need to find your own morals and stick to them.

I'll get off my high horse, sorry