Venting rough times

[thegreatminderaser]

hello all, hope you're well despite the fact you're on this forum. not sure how i want to format posts or if theres etiquette, please point out any issues.

just relapsed with self harming, i haven't felt this unstable since 2023. i've been heavily considering suicide, but i'm not quite on the "i'm really going to do it this time" level. cried at work, messaged my work crush about my suicidality and he was kind & encouraging me to be strong. i feel very lonely, misunderstood and unwanted. people are kind to me, but i'm always terrified its just them being civil, polite or pitying me. my coworkers are nice, i just don't believe they actually like me. the only reason i haven't made any major attempts is because i don't have anyone to look after my cat when i'm gone.

 

[GirlOfThought06]

The fear that people are being kind to your face aren't being kind— it's scary isn't it. The belief nobody truly likes you is from something I can tell, that doesn't come organically— only a lot of suffering can rewire you that way (I know)
Pets are always a great way to keep going. I'm at university, and they don't allow animals— so I've been struggling, but I have a big dog at home who needs me (don't know what to do when he's gone..)
What's your cats name?

 

[thegreatminderaser]

The fear that people are being kind to your face aren't being kind— it's scary isn't it. The belief nobody truly likes you is from something I can tell, that doesn't come organically— only a lot of suffering can rewire you that way (I know)
Pets are always a great way to keep going. I'm at university, and they don't allow animals— so I've been struggling, but I have a big dog at home who needs me (don't know what to do when he's gone..)
What's your cats name?

haha, thats... yeah. you're right, i've just never had anybody say it. i know its from abuse, just haven't had anybody reassure me on it.
edit: wanted to say i'm sorry that you understand. if feels reassuring that someone understands.

i think looking forward to your next visit is always good. i try to set up little things for me to look forward to. i have some things, but everything feels so bleak and scary

his name is goku, i got him for free. he's a silly guy

 

[GirlOfThought06]

haha, thats... yeah. you're right, i've just never had anybody say it. i know its from abuse, just haven't had anybody reassure me on it.
edit: wanted to say i'm sorry that you understand. if feels reassuring that someone understands.

i think looking forward to your next visit is always good. i try to set up little things for me to look forward to. i have some things, but everything feels so bleak and scary

his name is goku, i got him for free. he's a silly guy

I guess it's just to try and ride it out, for goku. Maybe for the future of more kitties. I know when im in full crisis i just try to remind myself that if I die, I can't eat tiramisu ever again— and it doesn't help much, but I would be very sad without tiramisu
Sometimes its the little things, but when you're in a marsh of depression it's a fight to survive out here

 

[thegreatminderaser]

I guess it's just to try and ride it out, for goku. Maybe for the future of more kitties. I know when im in full crisis i just try to remind myself that if I die, I can't eat tiramisu ever again— and it doesn't help much, but I would be very sad without tiramisu
Sometimes its the little things, but when you're in a marsh of depression it's a fight to survive out here

that's what's keeping me going. i feel badly because i love my boyfriend deeply, but i also know he could survive & find love without me- but my cat has nobody but me, so he's my reason for being.

truly its the small stuff that keeps you from going over the edge. i haven't had tiramisu in years, next time i get it i'll remember this conversation

 

[GirlOfThought06]

that's what's keeping me going. i feel badly because i love my boyfriend deeply, but i also know he could survive & find love without me- but my cat has nobody but me, so he's my reason for being.

truly its the small stuff that keeps you from going over the edge. i haven't had tiramisu in years, next time i get it i'll remember this conversation

Weathering the storm is sometimes all you can do. I'm tired of persisting, but I still try to— even if that means eating a single meal and only leaving bed for a class (like today; lol)
You had a period of improvement, a light spot even if it's not perfect, it means maybe the storm will not last forever

 

[thegreatminderaser]

Weathering the storm is sometimes all you can do. I'm tired of persisting, but I still try to— even if that means eating a single meal and only leaving bed for a class (like today; lol)
You had a period of improvement, a light spot even if it's not perfect, it means maybe the storm will not last forever

real shit... the only reason i'm not rotting in bed is that i need to go to work so i'm not evicted. i took some days off last week because i just kept crying, and i need rest desperately now, but i need the money more. capitalism is a nightmare.

it's good you can meet some basic self care, small achievements. i know it's not forever, i just feel the exhaustion of trying and falling on my ass over and over. working minimum wage, losing interest in my hobbies, failing to get into school. my self worth is tied to how others perceive me while also believing, probably delusionally, that nobody likes me. i can have hope for others, but not myself

 

[GirlOfThought06]

real shit... the only reason i'm not rotting in bed is that i need to go to work so i'm not evicted. i took some days off last week because i just kept crying, and i need rest desperately now, but i need the money more. capitalism is a nightmare.

it's good you can meet some basic self care, small achievements. i know it's not forever, i just feel the exhaustion of trying and falling on my ass over and over. working minimum wage, losing interest in my hobbies, failing to get into school. my self worth is tied to how others perceive me while also believing, probably delusionally, that nobody likes me. i can have hope for others, but not myself

Relatable— so many times I've gone to class sick or full breakdown to keep my grades up. Same with work lol, it's a struggle
Just hold on to the strands of normalcy, let some sunlight in if you can