Venting Room booked

[Nikoson]

Just booked a room in a hotel to ctb.

Was originally planning on going in the comfort of own home but have decided the shock to someone who would discover me would scar them for life. I know this will happen in a hotel also, but it won't be a loved one and I feel slightly less guilty about that...

I'm still waiting on sn to arrive, so it kind of rests on that being delivered tomorrow or the day after.

I am currently a little on the fence about it all. I don't feel it's second thoughts, I think more that I've just adapted to the shock and sadness that has driven this decision.

The cold collected person that I am knows that this situation isn't going to get better any time soon, I don't feel like I want to spend the next 10-20 years struggling to overcome the causes of all of this. I'm not looking forward to Christmas, and know it will only cause me to bring down those who I am around. I don't want to cause that pain and hurt that I bring with me. I feel like a burden to everyone, as I can see some of the fellow members on here do.

Compared to some of the experiences I have read about on here, mine are relatively minor, but I've spent over decade trying to better myself and overcome my flaws and have not succeeded, why would I want to do that another time, for potentially much longer.

Existence isn't always a gift, sometimes it is a curse. I over analyse everything and focus on the worst case scenario, this is how I am wired. I feel fundamentally broken inside, I can only pretend and forget for so long.

We have an amazing ability to adapt to situations, but there is a difference between living and surviving.

 

[woxihuanni]

There is a difference between living and surviving.

Wish you peace and safe travels. Indeed there is, and the most cruel thing I've experienced was to see what life was like so briefly, and lose it for reasons that had nothing to do with me. Would've survived a bit longer if that had not happened.

 

[Nikoson]

My problems haven't all hit yet. The biggest heartbreak, is something I could perhaps move on from. But losing your home, friends, and facing the fact that you are destined to live in some awful place, alone, for many years with no practical escape is awful. I have all of these to come along next, and without the rock that made everything better, why bother?

I'd like there to be the opportunity to look over loved ones afterwards, kind of like a life observer. Who knows what is on the other side.

 

[Nem]

Just booked a room in a hotel to ctb.

Was originally planning on going in the comfort of own home but have decided the shock to someone who would discover me would scar them for life. I know this will happen in a hotel also, but it won't be a loved one and I feel slightly less guilty about that...

I'm still waiting on sn to arrive, so it kind of rests on that being delivered tomorrow or the day after.

I am currently a little on the fence about it all. I don't feel it's second thoughts, I think more that I've just adapted to the shock and sadness that has driven this decision.

The cold collected person that I am knows that this situation isn't going to get better any time soon, I don't feel like I want to spend the next 10-20 years struggling to overcome the causes of all of this. I'm not looking forward to Christmas, and know it will only cause me to bring down those who I am around. I don't want to cause that pain and hurt that I bring with me. I feel like a burden to everyone, as I can see some of the fellow members on here do.

Compared to some of the experiences I have read about on here, mine are relatively minor, but I've spent over decade trying to better myself and overcome my flaws and have not succeeded, why would I want to do that another time, for potentially much longer.

Existence isn't always a gift, sometimes it is a curse. I over analyse everything and focus on the worst case scenario, this is how I am wired. I feel fundamentally broken inside, I can only pretend and forget for so long.

We have an amazing ability to adapt to situations, but there is a difference between living and surviving.

Or, living and existing. Existing doesn't even come close to living, sorry to hear this
Peace/hugs

 

[Are you lost too?]

I hope you will be able to find peace.

 

[metalchic_74]

 

[MeltingHeart]

SO much truth in this the gift Vs curse bit and existing vs living! I always think of these two sentiments

 

[Hank]

My problems haven't all hit yet. The biggest heartbreak, is something I could perhaps move on from. But losing your home, friends, and facing the fact that you are destined to live in some awful place, alone, for many years with no practical escape is awful. I have all of these to come along next, and without the rock that made everything better, why bother?

I'd like there to be the opportunity to look over loved ones afterwards, kind of like a life observer. Who knows what is on the other side.

So what's the deal? if you don't mind me asking.

Things are piling up? no job and out of money soon, or just sick of it all?

 

[Nikoson]

Little bit of column a, little bit of column b.

a job is the only thing I will have left soon, everything else has gone or is about to

 

[Janebb]

Little bit of column a, little bit of column b.

a job is the only thing I will have left soon, everything else has gone or is about to

Me too, my bp disability is running rampant and is about to lose me my job and the only income I have, the only social life I have, and my only feeling of self worth. With all that on the line and I still can fix my brain and get it together to go. And since my company doesn't have FMLA I'm about to be screwed. I feel ur pain!

 

[Hank]

yeah same here, pretty much. I've quit my job a while ago. running out. I maybe have 3 months left before financial problems will start. But that's not the only thing. It's everything really.

 

[Nikoson]

Had what should be my last meal, feel sick from all the food as I have been eating very little lately. Will let it settle down for an hour or two then start AE before bed

 

[CaptainT]

Hope you get some good rest and a long sleep tonight @Nikoson. Let us know how things are going and if you need to talk. Thinking of you brother

 

[Let'sgetoutofHERE]

Just booked a room in a hotel to ctb.

Was originally planning on going in the comfort of own home but have decided the shock to someone who would discover me would scar them for life. I know this will happen in a hotel also, but it won't be a loved one and I feel slightly less guilty about that...

I'm still waiting on sn to arrive, so it kind of rests on that being delivered tomorrow or the day after.

I am currently a little on the fence about it all. I don't feel it's second thoughts, I think more that I've just adapted to the shock and sadness that has driven this decision.

The cold collected person that I am knows that this situation isn't going to get better any time soon, I don't feel like I want to spend the next 10-20 years struggling to overcome the causes of all of this. I'm not looking forward to Christmas, and know it will only cause me to bring down those who I am around. I don't want to cause that pain and hurt that I bring with me. I feel like a burden to everyone, as I can see some of the fellow members on here do.

Compared to some of the experiences I have read about on here, mine are relatively minor, but I've spent over decade trying to better myself and overcome my flaws and have not succeeded, why would I want to do that another time, for potentially much longer.

Existence isn't always a gift, sometimes it is a curse. I over analyse everything and focus on the worst case scenario, this is how I am wired. I feel fundamentally broken inside, I can only pretend and forget for so long.

We have an amazing ability to adapt to situations, but there is a difference between living and surviving.

I hope you find peace no matter which path you take.

 

[Meant2Die]

10-20 yrs is a long time to try to overcome something. I believe you gave it your all during that time and only you can really know how much is enough. So if you feel like it's enough now, It's perfectly okay to want to stop your pain. A lot of us are in the same boat and can relate. No judgement, no criticism just best wishes that whatever you decide to do works out well in the end.

 

[Hank]

gnite @Nikoson

 

[Nikoson]

I'll post some more tomorrow with some details for others

 

[Jean4]

I'll post some more tomorrow with some details for others

We are all here for you. Sending you love.

 

[Essence]

Love and thoughts to you my friend

 

[Nikoson]

Anyone else get really vivid dreams/nightmares when taking a dopamine blocker? Wow

 

[BPD_LE]

Anyone else get really vivid dreams/nightmares when taking a dopamine blocker? Wow

Yep. Crazy isn't it.

 

[Nikoson]

It's something I get a lot anyway, but nothing this vivid. Always takes me a while to separate dreams from reality when I'm half asleep

 

[DoNotLet2]

hopefully it will be better for you on the other side *hugs*

 

[Nikoson]

Followed most of the regime, just completed the antacid stage. 20 min to go until I make up the SN.

decided to bring 50g with me in one container, will mix it all up and drink half. The other is backup if required. It didn't have a yellow tint to it, so we shall see. I did a small blood test and it seemed to turn brown when in contact so should be ok.

My plan will be to mix the sn up, then drink it, eat a small bit of chocolate if the taste is terrible. Then make a post on here to update.

 

[deathbyginger]

I wish you peace as you make your transition.
Good luck with everything, @Nikoson.
We are all here for you up until the end.
Good idea on preparing extra though, as if you vomit you can easily drink the rest to make up for it.

But I must ask, how did you perform the blood test to test your SN?
And remember. You can back out at any point. You seem decisive but I just want to let you know that no one will judge if you decide against it last minute.

 

[Nikoson]

I was going to cut a finger and squeeze a bit out, but decided to use floss and go a bit hard to get some light bleeding. Then just rubbed it over some SN and observed the colour change. Also did a control test with table salt as a comparison.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I hope you are feeling ok, just wanted to say ive appreciated your insightful and eloquently written posts-here if you want to talk, but understand if you need some quiet time to just relax as best you can. best wishes.

 

[deathbyginger]

Thank you for the information.

I'm sure your SN will surely do the job if you managed to get positive results.

I hope you're feeling at ease right now :)

 

[Nikoson]

I'm in a hotel that must be having a party or something. That or the walls are just poorly insulated. The couple next to me sure we're having a loud time earlier. They sounded like they really enjoyed their 4 minutes. Maybe I'll get reincarnated as their baby... haha.

I will carry two major regrets with me. What this will do to my mother, and to the woman I love. I only hope they can move on from it and don't blame themselves.

As with most people on here, this would be my third attempt. First was a car crash, substantial damage to the vehicle, minor to myself. Second was hanging plan and I was talked out of doing it and made a promise not to, that was due to heartbreak, that took a decade to get over. Then there was this time, results to be determined. Also for heartbreak, and massive life changes. I do feel I could survive all those things, all coming at once, but I'd never be the same, id never get back what I had lost, and by the time I did get over it all, if ever, I'd be too old to start again.
Who knows really?

I'd like to thank Stan, and MeltingHeart in particular. Both have been helpful and kind.
Ok SN drunk. It's pretty salty and a little burny. Not terrible, but not a pleasant drink.

before adding the water I help the grains up to the light and could see a yellow tint coming through. We shall see.

the piece of chocolate was a good tip someone mentioned. I recommend it to remove the taste from your mouth/brain
Heart noticeable beating faster

 

[Little Mook]

Hope you're doing ok , hugs and peace to you x