Discussion Romantic relationships - no one kills themself purely because of a break-up.

[failureofahuman]

I think romantic relationships and struggling with them is wrongly viewed as a trivial issue, even on here. This has been discussed before, but I'm going to add some of my thoughts, in particular because failure in romantic relationships is a large contributor to my desire to CTB.

1) Revelations (from relationships) as a factor
I think relationships are in many ways reflections of yourself and you learn things about yourself from them, including the break-up. I think for me, break-ups have been devastating not because I just miss them, but because they made me realize painful things about myself. They also reaffirm core negative beliefs about yourself. For me, the break-up that hurt the most, hurt the most because I acted in ways that I really regret while me and him were falling-out. I don't miss him that much, but remembering our relationship makes me feel suicidal because I hate myself for what a callous and cruel person I'm capable of being.

2) Relationships as a vehicle for societal acceptance
I realized that I tend to choose very normal and typical men as partners. This is because I want to be accepted by society, but I don't feel I can. So I go for guys who represent society in my mind and try to appeal to them as individuals to finally be accepted. This is probably a more specific issue to me, but there's also the point that many people feel like being in a relationship is a vital part of being or being seen as successful and competent.

3) Relationships as the only option for love
I think it's overlooked that many people who fixate on romantic relationships don't have strong friendships or familial relationships. People typically attach less importance to friendships, so it can be hard to find friends who deeply care about you. Friendships can also be more easily discarded for this reason. It's widely known that having issues with your parents can impact your romantic relationships, with people trying to get the love their parents didn't give them from partners. Romantic relationships can seem easier because they are often less logical than other relationships, and if you struggle with the easier route, it makes it seem that you're fundamentally unlikable/unlovable.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

I'm sorry overall about the circumstances you've gone through, namely in those that brought you to a space like this (welcome btw) and those that led you to your choice of username. I think you've brought up a lot of great points that are often, if not majority of the time, overlooked when it comes to relationships and the deeper meanings behind it.

Romantic relationships can seem easier because they are often less logical than other relationships, and if you struggle with the easier route, it makes it seem that you're fundamentally unlikable/unlovable.

What would you say to someone, or assume about their character who has the more logical relationships but no opportunities (or more pessimistically, deemed unworthy) to even enter into the easier, less logical relationships? What about those with neither?

I'm hesitant to make assumptions about you but I'm harboring a guess that your familial relationships are not good? If so, would you trade or forego any potential for future romantic relationships as long as you are ensured a strong circle of family or friends?

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I agree with a lot of your points, as a woman in a similar situation, in regards to having to deal with bad memories from the past involving relationships. It's one thing to throw everything away over a break up in high school, but as we get older the stakes in relationships get higher, and the more baggage we start carrying from past relationships and life in general, the harder it tends to be to find a new partner. Not that it's impossible, persay, just more difficult.

Your last point about trying to compensate for the loss of family is a huge one. The people I know who are the happiest have a large support network of familial and platonic relationships alongside their romantic ones. For some of us, we'll never have that luxury. I've been told many times that if I ever want to be cared about deeply, it requires dating. Which is really depressing to think about, but it seems to be true from my experience.

Over the years, I've put up with so much from my husband simply because I have no one else, and am usually not in a position to support myself. This sort of situation makes people feel hopeless and trapped, I think, because the relationship holds such great importance, your sense of stability and security crumbles if it's gone.

It would be a different story if other types of relationships such as friendship were more valued, but for a lot of people, they aren't. I got told off many times for relying on my partner to not be homeless, by people who would never help me themselves. I spent years trying to build friendships and being around the same people consistently, only for them to have childhood friends and family who took precedence. So it's not surprising why romantic relationships are so valued, for a lot of people they might not have anyone else in their life to care about them.

You're right also that carrying the burden of bad memories from failed relationships takes it's toll. A lot of things stick with you and our minds are hard wired to remember and consolidate things, those formative experiences really shape us as people and leave a lasting impact.

 

[SnowLeopard21]

2) Relationships as a vehicle for societal acceptance

Hit the nail on the head there. I can't tell you how many times a relative has asked me when it was gonna be my turn to find a girlfriend, get married, and have kids. Every year I do notice fewer and fewer of them asking. Both my brother and sister are married, the former of which has kids of his own now so at least some of the pressure is off me.

 

[Sutter]

Relationship only option for love….that is a somewhat solid hit. There are alot of broken homes. What happens with family is generally not s choice, you dont choose your family. You do get to choose sho to be with romantically though.

That makes it deeply personal and heavily owned. This relationship will succeed or fail on your efforts. I believe you are right when you had mentioned about shorter younger relationships. Seems it vastly changes with age and experience though. The relationship doubles, not just romantically but as a deep friendship. Time of a relationship is not irrelevant to me, its a multiplier. Its a heavy hitter life event, akin to losing your spouse and best friend at the same time.

People invest their self perception in these relationships as well. What does it say when a spouse/friend of 20+ years walks away from you? o matter how stoic you are, there should be an all stop for some self reflection there. The person you loved, knew, and were willing to spend shat time you had left with. Just walked out the door. Reality should crack a little there causing some serious review of your decision making paradigm.

You didnt get a test question wrong, you got love wrong, who you are wrong, you base concept of what you thought wrong, lost a spouse, lost a friend, lost what very well have been your last chance at having a family and creating that love you missed. Throw in family that doesnt care or has already died and that is some hefty loss.

A broken heart can lead to a life not finished as much as any other reason.