Roller coaster of emotions

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

I am absolutely at my least stable point I have ever been in my life. These past 7 months have been the most hellish days my life has had to offer, even in comparison to when everything started going downhill 4 years ago. At the beginning of this year I was at such a low point that I paradoxically thought that somehow things would get better, despite the fact that I had no idea how I'd go about making that happen. Now, I can't even focus on the things I "need" to get done (i.e. work, not things like showering, eating, etc.) because all I want to do is escape this torment. I'm a prisoner not only to my physical conditions, but also my thoughts. I cannot fathom how my life has come to this. It's so surreal to me.

Everyday for the past few months my anxiety has become more and more crippling. To elaborate, the past few days literally all I have been able to do is pace or drive in circles because at least then I am able to trick my brain into thinking I'm doing something productive. All this does is worsen my anxiety though because of the work I "should" be getting done, but at this point, I can't bring myself to care about it.

This isn't even taking into the account how I've felt about ctb. A week or so ago I was worried about dying alone and about things not working out. I was even questioning whether I wanted to do it in the first place (in hindsight, I believe this was just SI whispering to me -- things have only continued to worsen in my life these past few years, so there's no reason to believe that I'm even on the right trajectory for a recovery). Now, I'm just waiting to get my meto, and I don't even know if I can muster up the strength to strictly follow the multi-day dosing regimen. There's nothing I want more then release from this. Just typing about the thought of this finally ending brings out of well of positive emotions that I haven't felt in so. fucking. long. It almost upsets me that this is what comforts me, but hey, I'm glad there's something out there that brings relief.

I don't even know where I was going with this whole thing, but I'm pretty sure, if I were to guess, that this quite a common thing to feel for those who frequent this forum.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you've been struggling, @GrizzlyGrapefruit, and I'm glad you've found something that gives you relief - even if it's something "inappropriate" like thinking about suicide. (Which is actually quite innocuous on the scale of inappropriate things people find relief in.)

Can I ask if you've tried any therapy or medication?

And can I ask about the origins of your charmingly quirky user name?

 

[Punished]

I'm sorry your anxiety has gotten so bad. I have days like that, where I get so overwhelmed with all the things I'm supposed to do I can't do any of them, and I have to obsess over one tiny thing all day to stay occupied. Don't feel alone in that, anxiety gets a tight hold on a lot of us.

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

Can I ask if you've tried any therapy or medication?

I have been going to therapy, but I'm hesitant to try any medication. The more this progresses, however, the more I wonder if it would be worth a shot. I just hear so many horror stories about people taking them that it makes me fear that it'll just worsen my state. I suppose I have nothing to lose though? I know for a fact that the few people who know vaguely about my state want me to try them, but still unsure.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

I have been going to therapy, but I'm hesitant to try any medication. The more this progresses, however, the more I wonder if it would be worth a shot. I just hear so many horror stories about people taking them that it makes me fear that it'll just worsen my state. I suppose I have nothing to lose though? I know for a fact that the few people who know vaguely about my state want me to try them, but still unsure.

Try a low dosage of something and dont mix anything until you understand the full affects of how the first one makes you feel. I don't like medications however I have been open to trying things that I think may help. I'm quick to discontinue anything that has "weird" or painful side affects.