ecmnesia
the only thing humans are equal in is death
- Aug 30, 2020
- 767
growing up you come to realize the world is not black and white, but painted in multiple shades of grey.
as a kid and teenager the hate I felt towards my parents was unbearable. unfortunately, or fortunately (honestly I am not sure which), with time I came to understand a little bit about their behavior, although I did not forgave them, I started to somehow empathize with them, even after all they have done. i guess I started to see them as humans beings too, instead of my personal prison wardens.
that made things harder for me. and constantly I find myself wishing to reclaim that blinded hate, aching for vengeance. it was easier just to hate. and I miss it. cause now, i not only feel bad for myself, but also for them. how can point a finger at them? they were abusive, but were also abused.... i don't know what to think. they were the adults, they should have known better, but they were hurt too. they don't even acknowledge the things they've done as evil.... that confuses me.
i guess cbt will somehow grant me some sort of vengeance against them. against the world. i want them to feel bad for what they've done and simultaneously I don't. i want to disconnect myself from their feelings. i want to not care. i don't want to think about them. i want my cbt to make them feel bad, but I don't want to recognize this. weird... isn't it?
why does it feel like cbt will finally give me the freedom I've been longing for? it seems that death is the only way for me to free myself from these chains.
as a kid and teenager the hate I felt towards my parents was unbearable. unfortunately, or fortunately (honestly I am not sure which), with time I came to understand a little bit about their behavior, although I did not forgave them, I started to somehow empathize with them, even after all they have done. i guess I started to see them as humans beings too, instead of my personal prison wardens.
that made things harder for me. and constantly I find myself wishing to reclaim that blinded hate, aching for vengeance. it was easier just to hate. and I miss it. cause now, i not only feel bad for myself, but also for them. how can point a finger at them? they were abusive, but were also abused.... i don't know what to think. they were the adults, they should have known better, but they were hurt too. they don't even acknowledge the things they've done as evil.... that confuses me.
i guess cbt will somehow grant me some sort of vengeance against them. against the world. i want them to feel bad for what they've done and simultaneously I don't. i want to disconnect myself from their feelings. i want to not care. i don't want to think about them. i want my cbt to make them feel bad, but I don't want to recognize this. weird... isn't it?
why does it feel like cbt will finally give me the freedom I've been longing for? it seems that death is the only way for me to free myself from these chains.