nightlygem
La Joya
- Sep 27, 2023
- 172
My attitude for suicide has changed since my father's death. I longer seek death, rather, I have an apathetic view on it. If I die, I die. If one day my life goes to shit, I will probably die. I've come to terms with it, and unless something dramatic happens, it probably won't change for a while.
However, due to my past decisions and my voluntary admission to the psych hospital, I have been kicked out of my previous home and now live with my blood family until I can afford to live on my own permanently.
The person I live with is, without a doubt, a narcissist. I'm not saying this because she said something mean to me once, I genuinely believe that she is a narcissist.
Now, of course, I'm not bashing anyone with this disorder. As someone who suffers from BPD, i hate it when I'm told I'm a bad person because of what I go through, so I get it.
This person, who is "family" by blood, has been emotionally torturing me for 6 months now. She's even threatened me to the point that I've been forced to pay over $4,000 to go a college I had no plans on going to with my own social security money.
Due to my religious background, I know it is wrong to say I hate this person. But I cannot ignore my true feelings: I hate this person.
I follow her every command and endure her narcissistic nature. I'm pretty sure she gets a kick out of telling people that she's "taking care of me". She's even told people that she's my mom! (She's not, in fact, my mom)
My hatred and overall anger has built up, and although I have many coping mechanisms and have an outlet for all these emotions, it simply isn't enough. I've developed homicidal thoughts alongside my suicidal ones.
I have no plan, no method, etc. however, these thoughts plague my mind. It's a never ending cycle of:
"I want to kill her. I want to strangle her. These thoughts are evil… I should kill myself instead. I'm a horrible person"
I dont want to admit these thoughts to my therapist, as I am not risking another trip to the hospital. Im creating this post as a call for help, and out of curiosity to see if someone out there has dealt with these overwhelming emotions.
However, due to my past decisions and my voluntary admission to the psych hospital, I have been kicked out of my previous home and now live with my blood family until I can afford to live on my own permanently.
The person I live with is, without a doubt, a narcissist. I'm not saying this because she said something mean to me once, I genuinely believe that she is a narcissist.
Now, of course, I'm not bashing anyone with this disorder. As someone who suffers from BPD, i hate it when I'm told I'm a bad person because of what I go through, so I get it.
This person, who is "family" by blood, has been emotionally torturing me for 6 months now. She's even threatened me to the point that I've been forced to pay over $4,000 to go a college I had no plans on going to with my own social security money.
Due to my religious background, I know it is wrong to say I hate this person. But I cannot ignore my true feelings: I hate this person.
I follow her every command and endure her narcissistic nature. I'm pretty sure she gets a kick out of telling people that she's "taking care of me". She's even told people that she's my mom! (She's not, in fact, my mom)
My hatred and overall anger has built up, and although I have many coping mechanisms and have an outlet for all these emotions, it simply isn't enough. I've developed homicidal thoughts alongside my suicidal ones.
I have no plan, no method, etc. however, these thoughts plague my mind. It's a never ending cycle of:
"I want to kill her. I want to strangle her. These thoughts are evil… I should kill myself instead. I'm a horrible person"
I dont want to admit these thoughts to my therapist, as I am not risking another trip to the hospital. Im creating this post as a call for help, and out of curiosity to see if someone out there has dealt with these overwhelming emotions.
