Venting Relationships are so hard. I've never felt so worthless.

[frogcake]

I spend years in the most abusive toxic relationship, CTB was going to be my escape from it until things turned around. I start feeling better about my life, not so depressed, not so suicidal, feeling good about myself, happy. So fast forward all of it and I get in a relationship, we've been together almost 8 months. He makes me so happy and he's my everything... But like. Sex is so difficult when you hate yourself. More than once I've held back tears durning the act because I feel so horrible. So ugly, I harass myself in my head until I can't stand it "You're so disgusting, he can't stand to look at you. You're nothing like the girls in the videos he watches online. He's trying to get this over with as quickly as possible"

And it causes even more problems because I'll almost never fully undress. I won't let him give me head, I won't do it with the lights on. Ect. I beg him to change his phone password because I can't stop myself from looking at the videos he watches. Perfect, skinny, beautiful women. That all look absolutely nothing like me. I can't get it out of my head, my self image is destroyed.

Christmas came, and I tried so hard to overachieve with gifts. Because I feel so worthless and replaceable in every other category of our relationship....only to find out he asked his girl best friend for the one gift I couldn't afford. I make $60 a week, I couldn't afford the three $40 plushies he wanted. So he asked another girl for it. And I just feel so destroyed.

I love this man more than anything, he makes me happy most of the time. Do relationships make everyone want to CTB? I feel like I'll never be good enough for him.

 

[sanctionedusage]

relationships sound like the completely optional & most brutal way to psychologically torture yourself

 

[Dome42315]

It really sounds like it's eating you alive. You must really going through a lot. Have you ever tried talking to your S/O about it? I know it must be difficult to talk about, but I think a good partner would try their best to reassure you if they knew how you were feeling.

Personally, despite all the videos online and everything, whenever I dated someone, the girl I dated was the prettiest girl alive for me. I think (hope) a lot of guys think the same way, and maybe he does too! Hopefully if you two are both okay with it, a bit of communication about this kind of stuff can go a long way.