I am sorry for your pain. Recovery is a difficult way. For me it is like a scorpion - one step forwards, two step back. I think it is not life or death, recovery or suicide. At the moment I want to life, but I accept, that suicide will be always a real option/danger/choice for me.
Dont be cruel to yourself. Falling back to pain dont mean that you have to give up recovery. Trying recovery dont mean giving up the option of suicide. That's what I think.
But you sound, that you had a bad experience. I am sorry. That's painful. Sorry, that I dont say any better.....