EternalHunger
Biomisian
- Sep 3, 2025
- 31
I inherently can't seem to enjoy life though I'm only 19, I've tried and tried yet I genuinely can't. I can't even process the things around me well anymore, or even my own body, as though my mind is still stuck in the past of severe abuse, homelessness, bullying and constant suicidal ideation from 9 years old to now. I simply don't understand why I must be like this when I've gotten so so far but not even past relationships had solved it before I eventually left each time out of guilt, I just feel... So utterly empty and dreadful of this cumbersome existence.
It just keeps going, I barely sleep due to the nightmares I been having; and when all my self-worth is on looks I hardly can stay around others no matter how kind they are, I just feel them constantly judging me, waiting for a slip that they can humiliate me on. I been told I'm 'handsome' plenty of times now but I hardly see it either, after years of starving myself and all sorts of beauty products I could muster I still am not good enough. The moments when I'm alone I would eventually freak out physically and mentally over the prospect despite the lack of thoughts trailing towards it, and so start vividly imagining my face and body melting off continuously; I guess it would be considered a mental breakdown by definition though it is far more frequent. I genuinely want to claw out any amount of food I can muster just to go back feeling normal again.
Everything feels so fake, I had no friends for so long that despite how well I manage to understand others now I don't feel anything towards their companionship; it's just a constant mask around the people in my life now, like I'm some kind of alien wearing human skin having to mimic what others are just are. Fundamentally unable to view the world the same way others do, so I fake and fake and fake until I fucking break, the autism doesn't help at all either. I don't understand it anymore.
It just keeps going, I barely sleep due to the nightmares I been having; and when all my self-worth is on looks I hardly can stay around others no matter how kind they are, I just feel them constantly judging me, waiting for a slip that they can humiliate me on. I been told I'm 'handsome' plenty of times now but I hardly see it either, after years of starving myself and all sorts of beauty products I could muster I still am not good enough. The moments when I'm alone I would eventually freak out physically and mentally over the prospect despite the lack of thoughts trailing towards it, and so start vividly imagining my face and body melting off continuously; I guess it would be considered a mental breakdown by definition though it is far more frequent. I genuinely want to claw out any amount of food I can muster just to go back feeling normal again.
Everything feels so fake, I had no friends for so long that despite how well I manage to understand others now I don't feel anything towards their companionship; it's just a constant mask around the people in my life now, like I'm some kind of alien wearing human skin having to mimic what others are just are. Fundamentally unable to view the world the same way others do, so I fake and fake and fake until I fucking break, the autism doesn't help at all either. I don't understand it anymore.
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