Venting Regretting backing out

[foreverlanguish]

So about two months ago, after months of doing what I thought was very extensive research on caffeine and caffeine pills, I decided I would try CTBing this way. When I actually did it though, it took probably 30 mins to an hour to feel the symptoms. Doing research showed me that a caffeine OD would probably be semi painful, but my god I didn't realize how bad the pain actually was. It was HORRIBLE. Feeling nauseous, dizzy, and lethargic was nothing compared to the vomiting and uncontrolled bowel movements. The whole experience was so bad and I absolutely regretted everything. The caffeine mixed with literal acid tasted so terrible I couldn't describe it any more than that. I thought I had it all planned out: hide the apps that I could use to call emergency services or my family, watch some YouTube, watch a movie, a show, look at motivational quotes so I don't back out, etc etc. I remember I had these strange delusions and after some time laying in my own filth, I went to the bathroom, did my business, and eventually just went in the bathtub and laid in there, vomiting like crazy if I moved a certain way and yelling out for help. It turned out, after I was sent to the ER, that what I had was metabolic acidosis, and that's what caused the awful vomiting. And yet, despite this, I wish I hadn't backed out. Metabolic acidosis is fatal if left untreated, and I realize, looking back, that if I had just stayed laying on my side, which prevented further vomiting, I probably wouldn't be here anymore. Most of what I experienced after trying to OD, I wish never happened. I am still just as desperate to CTB as I was in October and just want to leave...

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

That sounds like a horrible experience, I'm sorry you had to go through such an ordeal just to quit this marathon of life. I've also had an attempt that I wish I hadn't backed out of, so I understand the overwhelming feelings of failure, regret, and dread for the future that you just condemned yourself to. My attempt was back in the spring and even though I've had some positive experiences in the intervening time, I wish I had succeeded back then. Unfortunately, my desperation to CTB has calmed down and now I've resigned myself to the idea that I'm going to live to see 2025, much to my chagrin. Maybe even 2026. Sigh.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so torturous and horrible to me, I see it as so cruel how there's all this suffering, I really understand just wanting to be gone, I wish there's the option to just simply die in peace. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[foreverlanguish]

That sounds like a horrible experience, I'm sorry you had to go through such an ordeal just to quit this marathon of life. I've also had an attempt that I wish I hadn't backed out of, so I understand the overwhelming feelings of failure, regret, and dread for the future that you just condemned yourself to. My attempt was back in the spring and even though I've had some positive experiences in the intervening time, I wish I had succeeded back then. Unfortunately, my desperation to CTB has calmed down and now I've resigned myself to the idea that I'm going to live to see 2025, much to my chagrin. Maybe even 2026. Sigh.

I appreciate your compassion! I totally get what you mean with the whole backing out thing and scared for the future feelings. Even now I wish I sat through the symptoms. I'm glad you experienced some good things after what happened, but I understand how you feel. Anyways however I hope you can find a way out before 2025.

That sounds so torturous and horrible to me, I see it as so cruel how there's all this suffering, I really understand just wanting to be gone, I wish there's the option to just simply die in peace. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you :)