Venting Regrettable

[Fehler]

I'm a piece of shit, I've been fasting for about 13 hours and I should have already taken the meto, or at least the ibuprofen. I've been waiting since the beginning of April for this day (I don't know, it seemed like a good date to me). But here I am still waiting to start with the doses or have something to eat. Now, at the key moment, the thoughts already come "What if you put it off?" "At dawn it can be better"...it is not that I have done anything on the list, which is not that it would take me a long time to do it, I would only have to leave the letters in their place, send the scheduled mail to the local police, prepare a bucket and towels in case I vomited and say goodbye to some of the forum, but still, it demotivates me, just by thinking.
Like life itself, I wasn't taking this seriously either. At least I didn't cry this time, I'm surprised that yesterday neither my mother nor my sister noticed anything in me, although after so many years of acting, I don't blame them, there comes a point where you don't really know how you feel.
At least I didn't open the SN pot again and I see that I can hold the fast well, next time it will be longer.

 

[WornOutLife]

I would feel just like you if I were in your shoes, my friend.
CTB is not an easy decision. It's perfectly normal to postpone things or doubt.

Just take your time. You can always try to do it another day. After all, death is patiently waiting for all of us.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Fehler]

Well, nothing...again, I'm fasting for 24 hours for nothing, I was planning to do it today, 5 months after my first attempt with SN (07/01/21) and I'm still here. If it even crossed my mind to call the crisis number, how hypocritical and low I have fallen. I have absolutely everything ready, I would only have to start with ibuprofen and 1h later I could take the SN, but I don't know, I can't, it's not that I'm nervous (I already smoked 3 joints) but I couldn't say well how I feel. I am well aware of myself that once I have taken the first pill there is no going back (I already told myself that if I reopened the Sn pot it would be to drink it) and that is why I don't even dare to take the ibuprofen, when yesterday I was mixing alcohol with benzos...
I could test if I am capable tomorrow taking advantage of this fast so I could reach 48 hours. I took a nap to make the day pass faster and now I'm not sleepy, I wish I had the courage to do it at dawn; anyway it's going to be hard to fall asleep with an empty belly.