Venting Reflecting on better days

[reesespiecesaregood]

Just been looking back at when i was a kid, pictures, videos, reminiscing on when I was carefree, lucky enough to think I had a bright future ahead of me like most kids do. It's so depressing that this is where I ended up, someone who wants to die. My one life, the life that I envisioned being great and happy, to now wanting no part of it. If you'd told me that 10 years ago this is what I'd feel like I really wouldn't have believed you.

It's a double-edged sword that as kids we're typically shielded from any bad and are lead to believe we can do and be anything. Because eventually all we typically get is disappointment. I know some didn't have a supportive childhood and I shouldn't be complaining, but still, the let down really really sucks. More than I can put into words. It's more obvious now that I've been flooded with memories of the "good old days" lately and my dreams about my past have felt all too real, almost like my subconscious self wants to be back there so badly that it's sending me there in my dreams. And then when I wake up, it's 10-15 years later and I'm here, realizing I can't re-live it, or have a do over, or understand what went wrong that lead me here, and even if I figured it out, I couldn't change it. Preparing kids for the worst of what life could hold may not be the most uplifiting or optimistic way to raise someone, but I'm starting to think it could've saved me a lot of heartache.

 

[nopoint]

I completely understand. I've been going over and over the mistakes I've made that had lead me here, and it's so sad. When I go to bed, I imagine some miracle would happen, and I would wake up as a kid and have a chance to redo my life again. I know the feels of disappointment. I would think about how disappointed my younger self would be if she knew that she'd turned out to be me. My therapist said that I should go and live my life as myself and not be controlled by my depression, but it's all I know. Maybe if I seek help when I was much younger, it would make a difference, but what am I supposed to do with this shitty version of me? I don't look towards the future because I know it's just going to get worse. I'm welcome death, but I'm terrified of the pain to get there. I wish I'd be those odd cases of younger people who got Covid-19 and dies.

 

[Darkhaven]

Yeah, i know.
My head is such a wreck and my life is so slow monotonous, and out of purpose that nowadays i mostly reminisce on the life i had like 3 months ago. It was already bad, i was already here, i already had my plan, it was the same as it is know (apart from this corona virus thing).
So it seems ridiculous. How can one feel nostalgic of times that have passed just a couple of months ago and were no different than the current ones?
My answer for this is that the more time i live the more fatigued and fragmented my mind becomes. The more i live this crazy and nonsensical life the more depressed and hopeless i turn.
So from this perspective it might shed some light on why my mind tends to turn to these recent memories.
But in your case it's your childhood that comes to your mind, which is only natural. Most people were happier as kids. I was happier as a kid. But for some reason i stopped having nostalgia of my childhood a couple years back. Might have to due with the start of my depression crisis and also because as i became an adult i started to spot how bad most of my family members really are: how they are only "good people" on the outside and not on the inside, which is where it matters most. Then i started to see that, even though i was happy as a kid, i was surrounded by a bunch of toxic and bad intentioned people. Already rotten and unscrupulous even all these years ago. But because i was just a kid, i couldn't see it. And it's probably better that way. At least i had the illusion that the world, and specially the ones closest to us were actually good people. And ignorance is bliss.
Sorry for the sabotage of your post, i have nothing to do.

 

[Hollow Point]

I feel you really hard on this. I reflect on the past often too. Looking at old photo banks is the best I can do, but I also cant help but think about if things turned out different. Nostalgia is one of my favorite feelings. It's like I'm at home no matter where I am.

I remember in grade school one teacher told me I would never do anything with my life and I would be a failure. I think of her words often.