Redundancy of psychological pain

[Unending]

So it has been quite a while since I've posted and of course it would be a type of vent or ramble post as it always is for me. My brain has gone easy on me for nearly a month but of course good things never seem to last forever and here I am finding myself browsing SaSu a bit more regularly. It always goes like this. The long unpleasant stretch of feeling my symptoms reach what I consider to be peak severity finally subsides but I've been through it enough times to know that I realistically have days to weeks to make the most of it before I'm beaten again. I'd like to think I've made the most of it this time but fear that it's going to get really bad again soon. Let's hope not. I've been having pretty severe fits of anger and just feel so abused by the world. Like a prisoner whose captors preach love and care for the vulnerable, all the while trapping them in a horror house.

I haven't fully sunk back into the worst of what my mind has to offer but have only experienced helplessness in the past in which nothing seemed to be able to mitigate. Over the course of several ups and downs (the downs are always FAR longer than the ups) I have tried to be observant and strategic to the best of my ability in regards to how I deal with things. Of course it hasn't worked out for me and just leaves me feeling like a helpless little child stuck in a shit abusive situation, except I've come to the conclusion that life is the shit abusive situation in my case. Not a big fan of the concept. That being said, I don't WANT to ctb. I WANT to stop being tortured by nearly ANY means necessary, and I'm very scared that there is more severe psychological torture on the horizon. Anyway, fuck my life. I have really been struggling lately, although not as bad as it has been, but there is really something to be said for doing relatively better for a while and then plummeting. It hits worse when you haven't felt the pain in a while.
Yeah, I mean it's as if all positive sensation has been eliminated and now the negative sensation is the only stimulus that my brain receives.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must had been really tiring what you've been through, it's certainly such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own and it's really understandable fearing what lies ahead, I hate how in this hellish existence there's unlimited potential to suffer, existing certainly is something so terrifying. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Sweet Tart]

That being said, I don't WANT to ctb. I WANT to stop being tortured by nearly ANY means necessary, and I'm very scared that there is more severe psychological torture on the horizon. Anyway, fuck my life

This speaks to me. I have worked as hard as I could to make a life worth living and to try to make the world a place worth living in for others- by devoting myself to service, love, and uplifting people who needed help. It drained the life out of me and when I was unable to keep giving, I found myself alone, sick- physically and mentally, and poor. I just don't have a reason or the energy to keep trying.

 

[Unending]

This speaks to me. I have worked as hard as I could to make a life worth living and to try to make the world a place worth living in for others- by devoting myself to service, love, and uplifting people who needed help. It drained the life out of me and when I was unable to keep giving, I found myself alone, sick- physically and mentally, and poor. I just don't have a reason or the energy to keep trying.

It's very upsetting that this world doesn't have a reasoning proccess for who gets the horrible situations. In this regard there is no difference between a mass murder or someone who is compassionate and trying to keep the world from getting worse. Despite one being an obviously better candidate to go through something horrible, we can never know who will. It's really messed up that pure circumstance can be all it takes at times to ruin lives, whereas fairness and logic has nothing to do with what happens to who.