Venting reason

[realname]

i recently found out about SS and read a few posts that were referring to basically capitalism-never-ending/ financial horrors as a reason for preferring to ctb over continue to endure this torturous existence.
heard.
& Same.
it feels like there's no way out.

I also want to hurt my family by ctb. Make them feel bad for what happened to me.

[SENSITIVITY][/WARNING]:
***sexual abuse***


my dad molested me a bunch as a kid & i now deal with a litany of symptoms of that as if I am diseased to my core.

I tend towards lovers who in some way remind me of him/activate the same wound. I suppose it's like I'm an addict and can't get away from this repetitive behaviour. im in therapy but I'm really just hopeless, disassociated , and tired. So Tired

I have long covid and my physical body is failing me in multiple ways but it's invisible to the outside world so I get a lot of shit for it because I don't appear to be disabled.
Drs don't know what's going on really but try & I have no sense that this will get bette. I can't afford medicine anyways. & Im my sole provider i barely have friends & i cut my family off years ago.
I don't want to see how this ends i want it to stop. Im tortured in masturbation , in dreams, in relationships , everything by the incest..
I want it to end.
I thought about killing him. Then me.
Although
I feel like I want to die by a river (sn maybe?) and maybe my body will just go down to the bottom , likely with many others.


Also thought about drinking the sn and jumping off a bridge ... no. maybe letting the ocean take me?

Idk if my body will be toxic to the ocean or if she could use me in some way?
I heard your body floats & maybe birds feast on your corpse for a while ..
Then bones sink and eventually decay or whatever.
I had a theory for a while that if I ctb i will have to come back to earth in dif body same problems and do it all over again
that use to make me miss the bus but it feels like no matter the therapy, life changes, whatever i try doesnt matter the disease doesn't go away and Ill infect anyone who gets close to me.

i also just don't want anyone to know I'm dead. Idk if the ocean would help.
Thanks for reading i feel grim.

 

[harbinger0]

i'm so sorry you have to suffer through all of that. i hope you manage to find peace. i think dying in the ocean would be a nice way to ctb, surrounded by nature, reabsorbed into the fabric of the universe. it'd certainly be more fulfilling than dying in a hotel room or something imo.

 

[Aisley]

I get all that. That shit that happens, we get stuck in it, idk why, and we need it looped or something. Exercised? I write, now, the same story over and over with just different characters, little changes, but when I was younger I lived the loop in seriously self destructive behavior. Don't hate yourself for coping; you're not hurting anyone but yourself. I hope you find a way out. SN might make your body toxic to wildlife. I really don't know about that. And I would love to say that you should make your dad pay before you go, but that would be hypocritical of me.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've had to go through, it's such a hellish world we exist in where people suffer so much, but anyway I hope that you find the freedom that you are searching for.

 

[realname]

i'm so sorry you have to suffer through all of that. i hope you manage to find peace. i think dying in the ocean would be a nice way to ctb, surrounded by nature, reabsorbed into the fabric of the universe. it'd certainly be more fulfilling than dying in a hotel room or something

I get all that. That shit that happens, we get stuck in it, idk why, and we need it looped or something. Exercised? I write, now, the same story over and over with just different characters, little changes, but when I was younger I lived the loop in seriously self destructive behavior. Don't hate yourself for coping; you're not hurting anyone but yourself. I hope you find a way out. SN might make your body toxic to wildlife. I really don't know about that. And I would love to say that you should make your dad pay before you go, but that would be hypocritical of me.

I get all that. That shit that happens, we get stuck in it, idk why, and we need it looped or something. Exercised? I write, now, the same story over and over with just different characters, little changes, but when I was younger I lived the loop in seriously self destructive behavior. Don't hate yourself for coping; you're not hurting anyone but yourself. I hope you find a way out. SN might make your body toxic to wildlife. I really don't know about that. And I would love to say that you should make your dad pay before you go, but that would be hypocritical of me.

yes different characters same bullshit roots..
Heard about the body toxicity . That makes sense I'll look it up maybe

sometimes I think that all the rage/hate i should feel for him I've just internalized & that's why I am drawn to ctb unfairly. It should be him.
but I know revenge isn't always the way.
Also though SA repeats itself if unaddressed & i drive myself crazy knowing he's living with a teenage girl (step sister) & it may be reoccurring & there's not a thing I can do about it.

 

[Aisley]

Displaced hatred? Probably not the right term for it, but it makes sense, doesn't it? I hated myself for letting it happen, too. For all the signs that should have tipped me off. Would have tipped off a smarter person.

It should be him. Sometimes it feels that there's no moving away from it as long as he's alive. And some people just live forever. A watched pot never boils. I've been waiting thirty years for someone to die, and in that time I kind of have moved on, at least to the point I can function in life. Mostly. I say that to let you know the load lightens in time.

As I said, I was stuck there in ugly ways, and went home with a lot of shitty human beings. One night this one guy got all drunk and weepy telling me about what he did to his kids. Crying like he was in pain, and he said he didn't know how to make it better. I told him he should kill himself. That it was the only way his daughter would ever be able to heal from anything, and the only way he could believably communicate to her his regret. He was too selfish to understand me. Maybe too drunk. Whatever. He got over it, we fucked in gross ways and I took off before morning.

 

[realname]

my god... Thank you for sharing that and relating. Holy shit...
Yes definitely is misplaced hatred that's a good way to describe imo
There's a lot in what u said that is making me feel less alone and as if someone understands..
Damn idk if u already know this but makes me think about recently a sex offender in Texas drank sn after he was found guilty and died soon after in his cell ..

On another note I cannot imagine what you went thru in that experience .. & others.
it's all so fucked that it seems to come up so often I use to think I was a magnet to drawing to me fucked up ppl in that way but turns out it is just super fuckin prevalent ..
30 years of that fuckin pot just boiling away unaffected (maybe, idk how karma works but I know a bit about how guilt does)...

i commend ur survival skills this shit seems like a battle not to fall into self hatred from the effects. I see You

 

[Das Nichts]

That abuse stuff is so fucking disgusting and it makes me so angry that this van happen. I'm sorry you have to live with this

 

[realname]

thanks Im disgusted by it often and tbh it helps when other ppl say that too .
Oddly validating
And the anger can be hard to access so I gladly accept fire from others feels like I lack it