SpencerSees
I want to swim until my arms give out 🍀
- Feb 22, 2023
- 159
Hey, been a while since i complained here, but nothing's lost that is delayed.
My eating has been okay-ish recently. I don't count calories, I try to have three meals each day. And I try so fucking hard, to keep going. I use up all my coping methods; i draw, i play video games, i cut myself, and yet i'm still here.
One thing I noticed, every time i start getting even slightly better in one unhealthy shit I do (cutting, not eating, having trouble sleeping, you name it), someone has to step in and say how that's going bad for them. And my brain's wiring is all fucked up. I don't have the nubs for empathy connected up there, even if what leaves my mouth tries to comfort said person so much.
When this info enters my brain, some sort of ancient need for competition activates (inda like in an old racing dog's lol), and i need to be worse. I'll cut myself till I pass out, I won't eat till i'm physically forced to.
I don't blame these people, they have no idea about my defect, but this is why i'm sure i'll never get better. Recovery is just a poor mask to make people get off my back and it starts again in a month at most.
My eating has been okay-ish recently. I don't count calories, I try to have three meals each day. And I try so fucking hard, to keep going. I use up all my coping methods; i draw, i play video games, i cut myself, and yet i'm still here.
One thing I noticed, every time i start getting even slightly better in one unhealthy shit I do (cutting, not eating, having trouble sleeping, you name it), someone has to step in and say how that's going bad for them. And my brain's wiring is all fucked up. I don't have the nubs for empathy connected up there, even if what leaves my mouth tries to comfort said person so much.
When this info enters my brain, some sort of ancient need for competition activates (inda like in an old racing dog's lol), and i need to be worse. I'll cut myself till I pass out, I won't eat till i'm physically forced to.
I don't blame these people, they have no idea about my defect, but this is why i'm sure i'll never get better. Recovery is just a poor mask to make people get off my back and it starts again in a month at most.
