Realized the past few days how therapeutic posting here is

[reesespiecesaregood]

...so you can expect obnoxious amounts of posts from now on haha. Venting here made me notice how much I was truly keeping inside. Things I couldn't tell a therapist with out being sent to a psych ward, and obviously couldn't tell my family or friends. I feel a little less batshit crazy since just letting it all out here. Thank god for this place man.

Could be the side effects talking since I stopped taking my zoloft to prevent it from interacting with N, but either way, I'm grateful and this realization is genuine.

I'm reflecting back to when I first joined, and literally had the lowest and scariest panic moment of my life on christmas day after realizing how serious I'd become so fast about wanting to ctb. I only let myself lurk for awhile with out posting to prevent it from feeling real I guess. Like I still didn't wanna admit to myself that I could possibly be legitimately suicidal. How awful that would be. A death sentence.

But now my mind is so much more open. I'm still suicidal, but somehow, I feel like I have more options. Once I get my N (and even if I don't, I have SN) I could either go through with it like I've been planning, or say fuck it and just give shit another try for a nice laugh. It makes me feel...freer. It's almost like I've been reaching this point for years. Ever since I began getting my panic attacks and existentially aware, my inner most subconscious fear was getting to a point of being suicidal. Somehow I knew it was coming I guess. But fighting it and trying to find things to block it out. But here I am, finally fully accepting it, no longer viewing it as the worst thing that could happen and the end all be all. Now, I feel like since I've accepted it, I can do what I choose with it.

I'm sure I'll still be super serious about my plan once the N comes, but right now, in this moment, I've got that "fuck it I'll give shit a try because I have no expectations" attitude. Like these whole past 5 or so years I was subconsciously avoiding this dark part of me that kept popping up, especially whenever I smoked or drank (stopped that). Just pushing and pushing it down and never letting it get too far, but letting it scare the shit out of me whenever it arose. Now I know it's here, and I kinda feel like a completely new person. In a good way maybe? Like I'm not faking it anymore. I'm a damaged, suicidal, lost mf so what's to lose. I'll never force a happy smile again. I'll just be. Almost like I was overcompensating for so long for feeling this way deep down, I was overly positive, and had the highest of expectations. And when things didn't come to fruition, it sent me lower than ever. But now I just don't care. If shit doesn't go my way and life continues to suck, I have my way out. I'm still suffering and shit's really tough every day, but still, fully accepting this part of myself has really lifted a huge weight off. Who would've thought that joining a suicide forum could help me actually come to terms with it, and maybe...just maybe recover from it?

Societal stigmas really brainwash the masses huh. I could say I was kind of appalled and shocked at the existence of this site at first. The whole "suicide encouragement" idea was just engrained in my mind. What else could it be for, right? But now I see it. This is really an awesome place. Knowledge is power and freedom.

Gonna keep taking it day by day and try to keep posting more often. Interacting with you guys really does bring some peace to my loud mind.

 

[LastRide]

@reesespiecesaregood :
Your quote:
"Who would've thought that joining a suicide forum could help me actually come to terms with it, and maybe...just maybe recover from it?" resonates deeply with me ! Joining SS has helped me a lot, choosing my method, how to prepare so as to not end up worse because you survive etc. I am actually not in a bad mental state, I have some psych problems but they are manageable, I just learnt how to deal with them over the years. But my health is deteriorating very fast in a downwards spiral and I just do not know how much longer I will be able to cope with that enormous physical pain everyday...so this SS forum has provided me with an opportunity to share, get more comfortable with the CTB plan, now I know once my pain becomes enbearable - I know the solution...and it has made me feel better and more accepting of my condition since now I know I can end it when I choose to ! So yes, this is "The good place" ! (I hope you get the allusion to one of my facourite series !)

 

[Jean4]

Your post made my day! Your feelings about this forum isn't unique. It's our home.

If you ever want to talk, I am here.

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

Your post made my day! Your feelings about this forum isn't unique. It's our home.

If you ever want to talk, I am here.

It really is starting to feel like a home. I saw the family-like presence from people like you and Stan while we were lucky enough to have him, but I didn't get there myself till now. You've also clearly been such a significant part of this place and I know how much you've helped so many people. Thank you for being here! I get so happy every time I see you post, almost like the mother hen checking on her babies, lol

@reesespiecesaregood :
Your quote:
"Who would've thought that joining a suicide forum could help me actually come to terms with it, and maybe...just maybe recover from it?" resonates deeply with me ! Joining SS has helped me a lot, choosing my method, how to prepare so as to not end up worse because you survive etc. I am actually not in a bad mental state, I have some psych problems but they are manageable, I just learnt how to deal with them over the years. But my health is deteriorating very fast in a downwards spiral and I just do not know how much longer I will be able to cope with that enormous physical pain everyday...so this SS forum has provided me with an opportunity to share, get more comfortable with the CTB plan, now I know once my pain becomes enbearable - I know the solution...and it has made me feel better and more accepting of my condition since now I know I can end it when I choose to ! So yes, this is "The good place" ! (I hope you get the allusion to one of my facourite series !)

I feel for you. I'm lucky to not have physical pain but the mental pain is definitely there, and having a real and humane choice whenever, or if ever, I choose to use it really is awesome.

And I do get the reference! I've actually never seen the show but have heard of it. I haven't been up to binge-watching these days, mainly because of the inability to focus and enjoy it, but I'm feeling alright tonight. I'm gonna take you up on that recommendation right now <3