this is both a vent and a question, im genuinely asking, i want an outsider's perspective/evaluation on whether its worth it to hold on and keep going when it comes to my specific situation.
for starters, im audhd, im not diagnosed but it doesn't take an expert really.. the problem is that im a brown woman in an arab country, medical misogyny is rampant and no one believes me, getting a diagnosis is incredibly difficult and my therapist doesn't believe me enough to refer me to someone despite my continuous tries, she believes im experiencing psychosomatic symptoms and that my executive dysfunction is just depression inertia (it isnt.) ive given up on her and on my family believing and helping me, my exec dysfunction is ruining my life, i failed my first two years of uni and switched majors, year one went well, now im at year two yet again and its only the first semester but my mental health has been deteriorating again and my executive dysfunction is worse than ever, i ended up pausing my semester, this will likely make me yet another year behind my new peers and i might not graduate with them, im already graduating years later than my first uni's peers, and all my school friends. i know i know "your journey is different" "dont compare" its easier said than done, the shame is overwhelming, i feel worthless, incompetent, and inadequate. my family doesn't believe that im disabled which has not only caused neglect since i was a child, it has turned into blame and manipulation and what have you now that im an adult. they think im weaponizing incompetence whenever im unable to do certain things, they think im being an ungrateful and "bad" child whenever im depressed or my exec. d. is flaring because im unable to do chores or share household responsibilities, they constantly accuse me of using them as maids and piggybacking off their labor when in reality im just disabled + was never taught how to do anything. i make a lot of mistakes because i dont understand unspoken rules and they become really cruel about it as if im doing it on purpose. they wont even let me leave them alone in peace so i dont want to hear anyone say that they have the right to do this because disability is not an excuse to dump all responsibility and labor onto someone. ive tried with them so many times, to get them to believe me, understand me, help me get diagnosed and medicated so that im a functioning member of the household like they so wish me to be, i tried to convince them to just let me run away without looking for me, but they wont allow it because they dont view me as a disabled burden theyr obligated to care for, no they just see me as a fully functioning neurotypical whos just being a bitch. they constantly bring up my academic failures and the fact that i quit a job one month in because i couldn't hold it down and it left me completely burnt out. im honestly just sick of everything, im sick of not being believed not even by my own therapist, and i dont know what to do. meditation for adhd here is not only prescription only but also illegal!! i have to first get diagnosed AND THEN get it imported which is a hasslw, and im too much of a coward to enter the world of seeking drugs illegally. i will not be able to achieve anything in life or live a fulfilling life without stimulants and that is simply a hard fact, not opinion, not a feeling clouded by my depression. ive been like this since middle school, constantly failing classes, constantly zoned out, constantly burnt out for consecutive months after running on mere fumes for a week or two. im seriously so suicidal but its hard when i know my best friend will be devastated, and my mom too despite our rocky relationship, my sister also JUST gave birth and it would fuck her up a lot which would affect the baby too. i just dont knoe what to do, has anyone been able to overcome severe adhd executive dysfunction without medication?? im bedridden and completely dysfunctional, i cant get out of bed or even feed myself, i see no realistic future for myself where im actually happy or productive and functional, idc that functionality is a capitalist lie i know that already and it changed nothing because the effect of my dysfunction is there anyways, shame, disappointment, ridicule, inadequacy, i dont know how to overcome feeling so so worthless and stupid, and most of all, the grief is so hard, i cant stop mourning the life i couldve lived if i wasnt disabled or at least if i was medicated, i dont know how to accept that, its so painful and i cant bear it, especially when all my sisters are so smart and successful, ill never be able to hold down a job and "easy" freelance ones that "work by my own rules" are difficult to have when i can barely even finish uni and get a proper degree. i feel so hopeless and i hate to say it but i envy people whose problems are ones that are more.. social? problems that can be fixed with enough effort i mean. im sick of being disabled AND disbelieved simultaneously, i feel gaslit by everyone who keeps telling me im not trying hard enough when im fundamentally just incapable of doing things. and even my therapist though she means well falls victim to this too except she does it in an "encouraging" way, things like "but why do you say that about yourself? you ARE capable! :)" ??? i dont even know anymore bro. i dont even know what i want by posting this, sympathy? advice? idk but its nice to let it all out i suppose.
for starters, im audhd, im not diagnosed but it doesn't take an expert really.. the problem is that im a brown woman in an arab country, medical misogyny is rampant and no one believes me, getting a diagnosis is incredibly difficult and my therapist doesn't believe me enough to refer me to someone despite my continuous tries, she believes im experiencing psychosomatic symptoms and that my executive dysfunction is just depression inertia (it isnt.) ive given up on her and on my family believing and helping me, my exec dysfunction is ruining my life, i failed my first two years of uni and switched majors, year one went well, now im at year two yet again and its only the first semester but my mental health has been deteriorating again and my executive dysfunction is worse than ever, i ended up pausing my semester, this will likely make me yet another year behind my new peers and i might not graduate with them, im already graduating years later than my first uni's peers, and all my school friends. i know i know "your journey is different" "dont compare" its easier said than done, the shame is overwhelming, i feel worthless, incompetent, and inadequate. my family doesn't believe that im disabled which has not only caused neglect since i was a child, it has turned into blame and manipulation and what have you now that im an adult. they think im weaponizing incompetence whenever im unable to do certain things, they think im being an ungrateful and "bad" child whenever im depressed or my exec. d. is flaring because im unable to do chores or share household responsibilities, they constantly accuse me of using them as maids and piggybacking off their labor when in reality im just disabled + was never taught how to do anything. i make a lot of mistakes because i dont understand unspoken rules and they become really cruel about it as if im doing it on purpose. they wont even let me leave them alone in peace so i dont want to hear anyone say that they have the right to do this because disability is not an excuse to dump all responsibility and labor onto someone. ive tried with them so many times, to get them to believe me, understand me, help me get diagnosed and medicated so that im a functioning member of the household like they so wish me to be, i tried to convince them to just let me run away without looking for me, but they wont allow it because they dont view me as a disabled burden theyr obligated to care for, no they just see me as a fully functioning neurotypical whos just being a bitch. they constantly bring up my academic failures and the fact that i quit a job one month in because i couldn't hold it down and it left me completely burnt out. im honestly just sick of everything, im sick of not being believed not even by my own therapist, and i dont know what to do. meditation for adhd here is not only prescription only but also illegal!! i have to first get diagnosed AND THEN get it imported which is a hasslw, and im too much of a coward to enter the world of seeking drugs illegally. i will not be able to achieve anything in life or live a fulfilling life without stimulants and that is simply a hard fact, not opinion, not a feeling clouded by my depression. ive been like this since middle school, constantly failing classes, constantly zoned out, constantly burnt out for consecutive months after running on mere fumes for a week or two. im seriously so suicidal but its hard when i know my best friend will be devastated, and my mom too despite our rocky relationship, my sister also JUST gave birth and it would fuck her up a lot which would affect the baby too. i just dont knoe what to do, has anyone been able to overcome severe adhd executive dysfunction without medication?? im bedridden and completely dysfunctional, i cant get out of bed or even feed myself, i see no realistic future for myself where im actually happy or productive and functional, idc that functionality is a capitalist lie i know that already and it changed nothing because the effect of my dysfunction is there anyways, shame, disappointment, ridicule, inadequacy, i dont know how to overcome feeling so so worthless and stupid, and most of all, the grief is so hard, i cant stop mourning the life i couldve lived if i wasnt disabled or at least if i was medicated, i dont know how to accept that, its so painful and i cant bear it, especially when all my sisters are so smart and successful, ill never be able to hold down a job and "easy" freelance ones that "work by my own rules" are difficult to have when i can barely even finish uni and get a proper degree. i feel so hopeless and i hate to say it but i envy people whose problems are ones that are more.. social? problems that can be fixed with enough effort i mean. im sick of being disabled AND disbelieved simultaneously, i feel gaslit by everyone who keeps telling me im not trying hard enough when im fundamentally just incapable of doing things. and even my therapist though she means well falls victim to this too except she does it in an "encouraging" way, things like "but why do you say that about yourself? you ARE capable! :)" ??? i dont even know anymore bro. i dont even know what i want by posting this, sympathy? advice? idk but its nice to let it all out i suppose.
