Venting Ready but scared

[ArchmagePrincess]

I have everything I need to go ahead and CTB and I'm emotionally ready in the sense of accepting nothingness. But oh my god the fear of failing and getting sent back to a mental hospital again is leaving me frozen in fear.

I read up on how everything works but I suppose the exit bag set up is rather complex and maybe I just don't have the confidence in myself to think I've done it right even if it all seems okay.

I was sexually abused when I was sent to a mental hospital when I was younger and the thought having to go to one again is paralyzing me with fear. Being forcibly drugged, held down, unable to take care of my hygiene properly. In a poetic sense going through with this is the final test of my life. I've lived without confidence, thinking I needed abusers to do everything for me.

The longer I lived the more I learned I was capable of doing things by myself, that I was competent all along. Maybe this is no different. In order to succeed I need to trust in myself that I've done the research, know what I'm doing, and that I won't have to go back to another hospital.

 

[Huntfish34]

Damn, I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of that. I can't imagine. You certainly deserve better, and I hope you can find peace in whatever may happen.

Thoughts and prayers -

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound so horrible to me, ending up in a hospital. People should be able to just die in peace without the fear of being punished for trying to set themselves free from a life that they never even asked for in the first place. It's just so wrong to me the way that suicide is treated in society, life should be viewed as a choice rather than something to be prolonged at all costs. But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Himalayan]

Good luck. Be careful

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Try not to ctb in some desperate moment where things are more likely to go wrong.