Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[lostmylove]

10. Watch this space

 

[Risperdead]

10, this is pointless, even more after my failed last attempt.

 

[Lullaby]

9. I don't remember much of this weekend since it's gone so fast and slow at the same time, just a constant stream of anxiety and unwanted, racing thoughts 24/7.

This upcoming week is going to be so hard to get through, I'm just dreading it. I know I'll be falling apart even more and I honestly can't take it anymore.

I just want to eat and go to bed to forget about everything.

 

[Squiddy]

6.5. I'm getting a little faster at stocking fortunately, but am not out of the woods yet. Hopefully I can get faster. My BPD started acting up while I was stocking, but fortunately the mood swing went away in a few minutes

 

[noname223]

Very insane day today. Two very crazy things happened. I don't talk about it due to my fear of getting doxxed.

Took a full pill of benzo. Otherwise I would have gone probably fully manic. I don't know how this (incident) influences my future. But I am very very scared about my future.

I think suicidality is quite low. Only a 4,5.

I have many responsibilities this is a distraction. But I am extremely anxious to become manic. Maybe this would be my death sentence.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

8. Still as dysphoric as ever and still feel cringey and unworthy as ever when I think of women being attractive. I should be executed by lethal injection.

 

[September5th]

To be honest, 7. In fact, I would argue that today is one of the worst days of my entire life. Nothing particularly bad happened. It's just that the weight of everything that happened to me in the last couple of months have finally crushed me entirely. I can only think about everything that's been bothering me and suicide. I did absolutely nothing. I'm completely unproductive today. All I want is the good and old death treatment.

 

[ansiedad]

7

 

[Foresight]

8

 

[FinishingLine]

Thoughts are on a 10, to pull it through unfortunately much less.

 

[Lullaby]

10…I can't put into words how horrible I feel right now. I've ruined so much of my life.

 

[Arrow]

3 ish but i feel fucking shitty

 

[FinishingLine]

3 ish but i feel fucking shitty

Is 3 on the scale? It would be the best day of my life.

 

[MellowAvenue]

Probably a 5. Kinda been having a shitty month, anxiety kicking back in. Hoping to get some good news soon.

 

[Squiddy]

7. One of my supervisors made me feel like shit because of my ADHD. Hopefully I don't get fired due to it :(

 

[woe-boy]

Today overall (5-23) was a firm six. Moral questions filled my head incessantly, as I pined for that aforementioned boyfriend I hate to love. I felt like if I could live in a dream world, if that were death, I would jump right in.

Every day is the same and what little things that gave it the magic variance is gone. Nothing is exciting or thrilling. My material possessions do not bring me much joy except my Martin guitar and my collection of Apple products.

 

[lostmylove]

10

 

[Lullaby]

10. Feeling abandoned and hurt, just not coping well with my reality.

 

[Catloaf]

10 ✌
Fuck my life

 

[Luna77]

Todays about a 9.5 but I'm trying not to let in any negative thoughts, though it's difficult. I think I have some good qualities but feel so damaged from so much trauma. I'm just trying to stay alive for other people @ this point. One day at a time.

 

[outrider567]

9.9--Bit of a breakdown this morning, after getting back from the supermarket at 8 AM, it just hit me again of the finality of her death, and my own bottomless self-pity about not seeing her anymore, almost dragged the 69 lb Nitrogen tank to my bedroom

 

[saninh.suk]

8.

its interesting seeing some people grieving. I wonder what that feels like. What does it feel to have something, at least once. I had relatives dying, but it never meant anything.

things fell where they should. We are as we are, it is what it is. No one's here by destiny. If one's supposed to not ctb, he'll stop coming to this forum.

That's doesn't seem to be me.

 

[noxin]

6. I was pretty low on the scale but decided to get drunk and I guess I've decided to be a sad drunk today.

 

[noname223]

I am feeling quite paranoid and manic this evening. I have studied a lot the last two days. Tomorrow again but on Friday I won't do anything. I am glossing over the situation with my therapist a lot. It is really strange how positive I act in front of him. I don't know why I am doing this. I have the feeling this is his expectation of me and he demands it. Probably a very very unhealthy feeling. Maybe another reason is that we only have appoinments in the morning. There is a huge mood contrast for me when I compare the start and the end of the day.

Maybe suicidality a 6. But the bigger problem is another manic epsiode. I am so anxious about it. I show many warning signals. But with addictive emergency medication I can prevent the worst so far. This is all so insane. I also try not to become addicted. My goal is now 4-5 days not taking addictive medication. Tonight is the second night.

My mom sometimes whispers insults when she is around me. I get so triggered by it. She does not get it how bad this influences me. I think when I was a child/teenager she did this a lot. My mom abused me in general a lot. Caused my mentall illness and paranoia. I am quite sure it is no acoustical halluzination. Some weeks ago I asked her why she insults me when she whsipers. She replied she insults another person. I think this was believable.

I was quite paranoid today. I ruminated too much about the girl who I had a crush on. I try to relax. I try to get calm. WIthout the addictive medication my sleep is so superficial and I wake up a lot. I am so scared about rock bottom. I think I will kill myself when the psychosomatic pain returns.

 

[xo777]

6/7

 

[Lullaby]

8…everyone I was able to reach out to this week, is gone again. So I'm alone and I only have this website to try and keep me from my horrible ruminating.

Still having a hard time accepting everything that's happened in the last week. Had someone who was so important to me, really made a huge difference in my life and he's gone.

Imissyoumydarling and her goodbye has me really emotional, as I relate a lot to her situation and what brought her here. Now it has me heavily thinking about my own and wondering if it's always going to be like this? Am I going to be stuck with this love and heavy regret? This is never going to leave me.

Things have never been this bad before. Every aspect of my life has fallen apart in three months. Love, work, school, family…all of these wonderful things I was handed that gave me hope for the future, are all gone. It took me years to get to this, I don't want to play the waiting game again.

Hoping I can build up the courage to go, sooner rather than later. The pain I'm in is just overflowing at this point.

 

[ShellofmyFormerSelf]

9... I'm suicidal as Heck. But I don't know if I even have the guts to try anything, although I'm wanting to...

 

[nopride86]

8 again. It's crazy how the most innocuous things can trigger me because I perceive it all through the lens of psychological abuse. I can't tell if what they say is simple or if I'm 3 breaths away from their talons again. What do you do when you can't estrange yourself from your family because they are just so damn pathetic and covert? Is it actually emotional incest, or do I just lack the capacity and depth to *love* as much as they do? Am I actually the toxic one all along, or is the gaslighting getting worse?

I know I need to ctb at some point before the damn bursts and what little I have gets flushed away again. I need to protect my fiancé from that inevitability.

But why do I keep entertaining the delusion that it will all work out? Best case scenario, I spend the next few decades trying to piece my psyche back together only to be met with the physical sufferings of age and disease. I just want to hit 10 on the scale already and get out.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Fortunately today only 1, this only happens to me when I am curious to know how specific things will go (which I am excited about) in the near future.
However, I am now:
*Physically: tired, stomach ache, slight dizziness.
*Emotionalmemt: a little sad, I find it hard to breathe a little because of anxiety (I do not stop yawning). Also a little annoying with myself. I am annoyed by the noises of the neighbors upstairs and wherever they come from.

But only 1 ... we'll see when the events unfold and a single emotion shatters and shatters the whole tower of emotions I've built in my head just to keep them under control and move on ...

But today a 1

Good bye

Spoiler: Original Text

Afortunadament avuí només un 1, això només em passa quan tinc curiositat per saber com aniràn coses concretes (que em fan il·lusió) en un futur proper.
Tot i així ara em trobo:
Físicament: cansat, mal de panxa, vertígens lleugers.
Emocionalmemt: un pèl trist, em costa respirar una mica per l'ansietat (no paro de fer badalls). També una mica molest amb mi mateix. Em molesten els sorolls dels veïns de dalt i d'allà on vinguin.

Però només un 1... ja veurem quan es desencadenin els aconteixements i una sola emoció s'esberli i faci ensorrar tota la torre d'emocions que he construït al meu cap només per tenir-les sota control i seguir endavant...

Però avuí un 1

A reveure

 

[NotSureToEndure]

8 or 9 right now.. I'm feeling quite close, but very guilty at the prospect of leaving loved ones behind.