kipper
Member
- Mar 11, 2023
- 33
Ironically, I often wish I could just be immortal. I worry about the things I would miss or how my pets would be doing or what would happen with my stuff if I were gone. I know that it wont matter if I were to die what happens after as I wont be able to worry about it anymore.. however, the awareness of the fact that life continues on despite that fact makes me anxious. If I were immortal, I would be able to just exist. Even if I were to lose all I have, I could wander around. No need for money or other basic needs... Somehow, I find it comforting, that even if all went wrong and I were to be without anything, that I could just continue on regardless as those wont truly matter. I find it ironic how I wish to no longer suffer now, yet fantasize about how it could be if I were to be trapped suffering in immortality solely because I wouldnt NEED to have basic things to survive. Mortal existence hurts so much in a way I would prefer a different sort of hurt. The removal of that pressure is the dream. I would love to be like a ghost, but still able to interact with the world.
On the flip side of that, I think a lot about ways I could CBT and have extensively done research on it for half my life by now... No way I would prefer is accessible and ways I could try arent a guaruntee or would be way too messy (I dont find it fair to leave others with that sort of clean up of my remains).. It unmotivates me to even try. So I instead often wish I were to be a victim of a murder or some sort of accident. I say victim, but I find that would be a blessing for me. It would help me out with the part Im struggling with after all!
If there were an option to simply remove my existence from all history and memory, I feel I would take it. My imprint on the things in my life hold me back in many aspects, I care a whole lot and cannot stop no matter how I try to change my perspective. Im anxious of life and of so much out of my control that makes me feel helpless and trapped.
I guess all I can do is wait for the worst to come and I slowly wither away. Ever since I was a kid I envisioned that in the end, I would be dying on the streets. That little by little, I would lose everything. The wait for it is exhausting. I wish I had more options, in life and in death.
Sometimes running away and living in the woods sounds ideal, but I havent the skills nor even the woods to do that lol.
On the flip side of that, I think a lot about ways I could CBT and have extensively done research on it for half my life by now... No way I would prefer is accessible and ways I could try arent a guaruntee or would be way too messy (I dont find it fair to leave others with that sort of clean up of my remains).. It unmotivates me to even try. So I instead often wish I were to be a victim of a murder or some sort of accident. I say victim, but I find that would be a blessing for me. It would help me out with the part Im struggling with after all!
If there were an option to simply remove my existence from all history and memory, I feel I would take it. My imprint on the things in my life hold me back in many aspects, I care a whole lot and cannot stop no matter how I try to change my perspective. Im anxious of life and of so much out of my control that makes me feel helpless and trapped.
I guess all I can do is wait for the worst to come and I slowly wither away. Ever since I was a kid I envisioned that in the end, I would be dying on the streets. That little by little, I would lose everything. The wait for it is exhausting. I wish I had more options, in life and in death.
Sometimes running away and living in the woods sounds ideal, but I havent the skills nor even the woods to do that lol.
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