Venting rambling nonsense

[anorang]

i don'tt hate anyone but myself. I feel like all the suffering that has befallen me always comes from myself. i pity everyone that love and care about me. I'm a cowardly, a lazy piece of garbage. I feel so ungrateful. there are many who suffer worse than me. and I feel sorry for them because in most of the cases, they don't deserve it. but at the same time I also don't care enough. I don't even care about myself. all my hopes and dreams of becoming a rockstar and all that bullshit...i don't have the courage. Life sucks? no..this feeling suck. I suck. deep inside i'm just a child. i'm scared of getting old. But this doesn't matter no. I don't matter at all. and that's fine. Am I fine? I wish people just forget i even exist. Just me and my music. I fucking love music. It's the only thing that keeping me sane(enough). I wish I could live inside music. Hehe. This is stupid. I'm laughing rn. It feels funny inside my chest. it hurts. My left arm is twitching and I've no idea why. I hope someone throw a big rock at me.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I have this terrible fear of being too slow of clumsy while trying to learn new skills, such as music. Although I would love to learn to play piano, I just get really anxious and embarrassed by it if I can't hold the same speed as some other players. In a way I am trying to comfort myself while I am re-experiencing this trauma I had as a child. I never really learned to ask for help from anyone cause I thought I would get yelled at or something like that. I try to accept that I currently have this issue with myself, and be some sort of parental figure, who wouldn't abandon me.