Rage quitting the game of life today

[Lady Laudanum]

This happens to me a lot. You mentioned before that you are normally not a peaky eater. I am, and it sucks cause almost everything makes me want to vomit. I don't like any kind of cheese, pizza, most vegetables and almost every sauce. Even the smell of those things makes me sick. I would like to like those things, but i really can't stand them. So my diet is basically simple pieces of meat and rice. I've recently noticed that I can't eat meat either without retching because it just feels so gross. Sometimes I may like the flavour of something but refuse to eat it just because it seems so fucking gross.

I really hate the concept of hunger. Having to be constantly feeding our mouths to avoid pain and dying, just to be able to eat more, while causing lots of pain and death to others in the process...

Today the food is actually fucking disgusting again. Meat should not taste sweet. Cringe af. I'm so over this.

I have a whole rant about body dysmorphia and eating disorders but I just don't have the mental energy to write it out at the moment. I physically feel ok but mentally I feel like utter shit right now.

 

[Thanatox]

Today the food is actually fucking disgusting again. Meat should not taste sweet. Cringe af. I'm so over this.

I have a whole rant about body dysmorphia and eating disorders but I just don't have the mental energy to write it out at the moment. I physically feel ok but mentally I feel like utter shit right now.

That sucks... It's awful you have to go through all of this. Do you know alredy when will they let you go home?

Oh and what about your friend? Did they visited you alredy? How did they react to the whole situation?

 

[Lady Laudanum]

That sucks... It's awful you have to go through all of this. Do you know alredy when will they let you go home?

Oh and what about your friend? Did they visited you alredy? How did they react to the whole situation?

I'll probably be going home in 4 days as long as nothing suddenly changes and they don't catch me going on SS in the psych ward.

My friend visited me already. He said that he doesn't care if it makes me hate him, but he was going to do everything he can to make sure I don't manage to CTB.

 

[Thanatox]

He said that he doesn't care if it makes me hate him, but he was going to do everything he can to make sure I don't manage to CTB.

And what do you think of that? I wouldn't know how to feel to be honest. It seems like he kinda cares about you but at the same time it can be seen as selfish behaviour

 

[maniac116]

I'll probably be going home in 4 days as long as nothing suddenly changes and they don't catch me going on SS in the psych ward.

My friend visited me already. He said that he doesn't care if it makes me hate him, but he was going to do everything he can to make sure I don't manage to CTB.

I'm glad that your release is coming soon & sorry you're stuck in such a clusterfuck!
I do think it's funny that you're on SS while in psych ward lol.
Sorry but I love irony
Hang in there!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

And what do you think of that? I wouldn't know how to feel to be honest. It seems like he kinda cares about you but at the same time it can be seen as selfish behaviour

He's not wrong. I'm going to be back to school in 2 weeks and he said that he doesn't want to see me destroy my entire life right before I finally get a fresh start.

 

[Thanatox]

He's not wrong. I'm going to be back to school in 2 weeks and he said that he doesn't want to see me destroy my entire life right before I finally get a fresh start.

Great to hear then, I hope you can have a better life with a fresh start

 

[Lady Laudanum]

They accidentally gave me expired yogurt with my meal and I took a sip before I realized it was expired. I got so grossed out that I had to go and puke. Still reeling from the nastiness. Shit like this should not be happening at a hospital. What if it was an immunocompromised patient who drank that yogurt?

 

[CatLvr]

He's not wrong. I'm going to be back to school in 2 weeks and he said that he doesn't want to see me destroy my entire life right before I finally get a fresh start.

This makes my heart happy!! I really want things to work out for you!

They accidentally gave me expired yogurt with my meal and I took a sip before I realized it was expired. I got so grossed out that I had to go and puke. Still reeling from the nastiness. Shit like this should not be happening at a hospital. What if it was an immunocompromised patient who drank that yogurt?

Eeeewwwww! I'm with you, it should not happen but they are just human. I wonder if someone said they checked the dates and then didn't for some reason.

 

[maniac116]

They accidentally gave me expired yogurt with my meal and I took a sip before I realized it was expired. I got so grossed out that I had to go and puke. Still reeling from the nastiness. Shit like this should not be happening at a hospital. What if it was an immunocompromised patient who drank that yogurt?

That's the problem with institutions. Things & people start falling through the cracks, but wow! At a healthcare facility?!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

This makes my heart happy!! I really want things to work out for you!

Eeeewwwww! I'm with you, it should not happen but they are just human. I wonder if someone said they checked the dates and then didn't for some reason.

I have no idea but at least it wasn't an immunocompromised patient who got that yogurt. I'm young and although I have some health issues from my ED, my immune system is ok.

That's the problem with institutions. Things & people start falling through the cracks, but wow! At a healthcare facility?!

I know right? Now thinking about all the food I actually ate there just makes me queasy.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Been switching my profile pic around a bit and I think I'm finally ready to commit to this one for a little while. It's one of the most iconic pics from one of my favourite movies, called The Last Emperor.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

The anxiety today is debilitating. I feel nauseous and have a headache too. Couldn't stop waking up in my sleep. I also pick at scabs in my sleep and this time it was so bad that I glued myself to the bedding with dried blood. That's fucking disgusting. Hospitals have more germs than anywhere else.

 

[maniac116]

The anxiety today is debilitating. I feel nauseous and have a headache too. Couldn't stop waking up in my sleep. I also pick at scabs in my sleep and this time it was so bad that I glued myself to the bedding with dried blood. That's fucking disgusting. Hospitals have more germs than anywhere else.

Ya, hospitals are filthy! Be careful

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

The anxiety today is debilitating. I feel nauseous and have a headache too. Couldn't stop waking up in my sleep. I also pick at scabs in my sleep and this time it was so bad that I glued myself to the bedding with dried blood. That's fucking disgusting. Hospitals have more germs than anywhere else.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad I hope they let you out soon, the place you're at sounds like a cesspool. Sometimes when I'm in a really stressful situation it helps to just repeat to myself something like "One week from now, you'll be done (stressful project at work)" or "in just two hours, this (unpleasant task) will be behind you."

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Ya, hospitals are filthy! Be careful

The scab that I ripped this time was from a scrape that was bad enough for me to go get a tetanus booster shot……. I'm absolutely disgusted and horrified with myself.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad I hope they let you out soon, the place you're at sounds like a cesspool. Sometimes when I'm in a really stressful situation it helps to just repeat to myself something like "One week from now, you'll be done (stressful project at work)" or "in just two hours, this (unpleasant task) will be behind you."

Bro they accidentally gave me expired yogurt yesterday and I fucking puked because of how absolutely disgusting it was.

 

[maniac116]

Today the food is actually fucking disgusting again. Meat should not taste sweet. Cringe af. I'm so over this.

I have a whole rant about body dysmorphia and eating disorders but I just don't have the mental energy to write it out at the moment. I physically feel ok but mentally I feel like utter shit right now.

Did they give you any updates on a possible discharge date?

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Did they give you any updates on a possible discharge date?

I'll be out in 3 days. My firearms license and driver's license are suspended, unfortunately. I suspect that my ex and my friend collaborated to make that happen, but I'll likely never actually find out.

 

[maniac116]

I'll be out in 3 days. My firearms license and driver's license are suspended, unfortunately. I suspect that my ex and my friend collaborated to make that happen, but I'll likely never actually find out.

Suspended licenses, but at least you'll be out!!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Suspended licenses, but at least you'll be out!!

My friend told me that after I get back to school, if I have the time and energy, I should get my driver's license back and consider actually applying for a part time job as an EMT. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it mentally, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it with physical health issues (problems with digestion and absorption) from my eating disorder. However, I'm not going to write off the possibility either, because my EMT license is still valid.

 

[maniac116]

My friend told me that after I get back to school, if I have the time and energy, I should get my driver's license back and consider actually applying for a part time job as an EMT. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it mentally, and I don't know if I'll be able to do it with physical health issues (problems with digestion and absorption) from my eating disorder. However, I'm not going to write off the possibility either, because my EMT license is still valid.

Good idea, if you feel ok doing it.
I was a psych nurse & honestly wanted to help people feel empowered. It got me "out of myself" while I was helping others & I felt good about myself.
But we're all different. I sincerely hope you can search for & find answers that work for you!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Good idea, if you feel ok doing it.
I was a psych nurse & honestly wanted to help people feel empowered. It got me "out of myself" while I was helping others & I felt good about myself.
But we're all different. I sincerely hope you can search for & find answers that work for you!

I don't know if I'll be ok doing it but I think it's worth trying.

I have a good amount of savings because I've always lived well below my means as an adult, and for the past few years I've been making good money. While I'm in school, working part time as an EMT would not be for the money. It would be more like getting paid and also getting some job experience for my resume, to make sure I keep my eating disorder reasonably under control and stay sober. However, I know it can also come with its own issues, like potentially making my PTSD worse.

The first step would be to see how I'm adjusting to going back to school, and then get my driver's license back. I shouldn't get too ahead of myself in the meantime.

 

[maniac116]

I don't know if I'll be ok doing it but I think it's worth trying.

I have a good amount of savings because I've always lived well below my means as an adult, and for the past few years I've been making good money. While I'm in school, working part time as an EMT would not be for the money. It would be more like getting paid and also getting some job experience for my resume, to make sure I keep my eating disorder reasonably under control and stay sober. However, I know it can also come with its own issues, like potentially making my PTSD worse.

The first step would be to see how I'm adjusting to going back to school, and then get my driver's license back. I shouldn't get too ahead of myself in the meantime.

It at least opens a possible option & options are good.
I wish you the best

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm rewatching a Chinese movie called Across the Furious Sea.

One of the characters is very similar to me. I can't seem to spoiler properly on my phone so will elaborate after I figure it out.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It at least opens a possible option & options are good.
I wish you the best

I've been to outpatient treatment, private therapy, inpatient treatment in specialized wards, inpatient treatment in general psych wards, etc. but nothing ever helped me achieve lasting remission with both my ED and substance abuse at the same time. Whenever I kick my substance abuse habits, my ED comes back with a vengeance. Whenever I get to a more reasonable weight, I fall back into cycles of substance abuse. Honestly, maybe getting a job as an EMT is a potential way to keep my ED and substance abuse under control at the same time. I know myself well enough to know that I would never knowingly put other people's safety at risk. I would have to be sober for the next few months, for sure, in order to even consider going down this path.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Today I had a full-on panic attack that caused vasovagal syncope. I still feel like shit.

At least today's meal is edible though. There's a muffin, a banana, and this weird vegetable casserole thing that actually tasted ok.

In 2 days I'll get to go home from the psych ward. That gives me a week to regroup before I go back to school. Honestly I'm really nervous about it. I'm moving to a small town and I'm worried that I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb, as a person of colour with autism. I'm also worried that I won't be able to hack it at school, even though I'll have academic accommodations in place. Tbh I'm just really scared for what the future has in store for me.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

Today I had a full-on panic attack that caused vasovagal syncope. I still feel like shit.

At least today's meal is edible though. There's a muffin, a banana, and this weird vegetable casserole thing that actually tasted ok.

In 2 days I'll get to go home from the psych ward. That gives me a week to regroup before I go back to school. Honestly I'm really nervous about it. I'm moving to a small town and I'm worried that I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb, as a person of colour with autism. I'm also worried that I won't be able to hack it at school, even though I'll have academic accommodations in place. Tbh I'm just really scared for what the future has in store for me.

That sucks, I've had that happen to me a few times from my chronic illness. Glad they gave you a tolerable meal for a change!

 

[Lady Laudanum]

That sucks, I've had that happen to me a few times from my chronic illness. Glad they gave you a tolerable meal for a change!

I really want to treat myself to rice noodles with seafood at my favourite restaurant after I leave the psych ward. I won't be eating at that restaurant for a long time because I'm moving to a different part of the country for school, in 2 weeks.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Today is the last day in the psych ward and it's going fairly smoothly so far. Fingers crossed. Don't jinx me.

 

[maniac116]

Today is the last day in the psych ward and it's going fairly smoothly so far. Fingers crossed. Don't jinx me.