Venting quick crash out - I hate myself, I can't even die right

[disabledaccount0452]

It's been a couple of days since the test dose, and my body still aches and won't let me forget.
But worse than the pain is that this pain is constant proof I can't even die right.
I was so close to silence, had the real thing measured out, and I chickened out with the baby dose like an idiot.
Now I get to hurt twice: the old endless emotional ache plus this fresh physical screaming that keeps whispering "you failed, you're too weak for even this."

I'm trapped in a body that hates me, and apparently, I hate it enough to ruin it but not enough to finish.
Feels like the universe is laughing. I am such a disappointment and failure. I feel so embarrassed.
I was ready. I was finally ready, and I blew it.
Useless doesn't even cover it anymore.

I hate myself! FUCK

Also I gotta stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself...

 

[Hime]

I don't really know what to say but... Make sure to hydrate and try to eat something light. Try not to beat yourself up about it too hard (I know it's impossible), and try to remember that... There's always a tomorrow to attempt again, so it's okay to live through today, even if it feels hard. Let it take it's time, until you truly feel ready again.

You are not a failure at all, you are strong and brave

 

[babydoctor]

I'm sorry it hurts twice, but know that you're not weak. This feeling is one of the most painful things in the world, and to be able to even type a sentence in the state you're in proves how much strength you have.

p.s. It might be selfish but I'd hate to see you go right now, I love seeing your posts because the train gif always makes me feel a bit better. I think it captures the feeling of being suicidal but not being able to go through with it very well

 

[itsgone2]

I was so close to silence, had the real thing measured out, and I chickened out with the baby dose like an idiot.

SI sucks because I read this and first thought is, but you did drink the smaller dose, just drink the regular dose next time. But then I have rope and an anchor point and I do nothing. I went to gun store yesterday. Talked to them, held the one I want ..: then left. Promised to come back for an appointment at the range for a lesson. Time will tell.

It just sucks when the escape is right there but SI keeps it miles away.

 

[disabledaccount0452]

You are not a failure at all, you are strong and brave

ILY <3 <3

p.s. It might be selfish but I'd hate to see you go right now, I love seeing your posts because the train gif always makes me feel a bit better. I think it captures the feeling of being suicidal but not being able to go through with it very well

Awwww. I'm glad you like it as well. Known it for years, but still makes me giggle a little whenever I see it. Most relatable gif ever

SI sucks because I read this and first thought is, but you did drink the smaller dose, just drink the regular dose next time. But then I have rope and an anchor point and I do nothing. I went to fun store yesterday. Talked to them, held the one I want ..: then left. Promised to come back for an appointment at the range for a lesson.

Hopefully I get the right mood again soon. Want it done before Christmas, but who knows. Kinda out of my control
Have fun and good luck at the range <3 Shooting guns sounds exciting!

 

[Hime]

Hopefully I get the right mood again soon. Want it done before Christmas, but who knows. Kinda out of my control

I don't know if you've shared this before, but can I ask why you would like to get it done so quickly?~
Feels like you just joined SaSu and now already are leaving :(

 

[disabledaccount0452]

don't know if you've shared this before, but can I ask why you would like to get it done so quickly?~
Feels like you just joined SaSu and now already are leaving :(

been lurking SaSu for years. The account is just new. Got my SN in Spring and have been procrastinating since.
Why so quick? Don't wanna do it during Christmas / New Year's. Don't wanna ruin that forever for my family. Also, I got a surgery early January which will have me stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. I don't wanna go through the painful surgery only to die once I finally recover from the pain. All the pain would have been for nothing.

So either I do it in the next 2 weeks, or I will most likely have to live at least 3 more months. Clocks ticking

 

[Mooncry]

Fellow weakling here. You're definitely not alone. Also I didn't know you were also planning on CTB in the next two weeks. I am too. ;v; Even more evidence we're the same person??

Anyway, your crashout is valid. I'm also frustrated with how much I've pussied out in the past, and I really need to get it right next time. Been really stressed out lately knowing my date is coming up and I still don't really feel confident…

 

[disabledaccount0452]

Also I didn't know you were also planning on CTB in the next two weeks. I am too. ;v; Even more evidence we're the same person??

True besties moment. Even united in death.

Also, you're definitely not weak. Taking your own life gotta be the hardest thing somebody can do. You are quite the opposite of weak in my opinion. Also, you're hella precious and sweet, but that's beside the point <3

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

Why so quick? Don't wanna do it during Christmas / New Year's. Don't wanna ruin that forever for my family. Also, I got a surgery early January which will have me stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. I don't wanna go through the painful surgery only to die once I finally recover from the pain. All the pain would have been for nothing.

I don't like saying this but might it be worth waiting until after New Year's?

I'm saying this as someone who has trauma associated with this time of year. It really does just all blend together in my mind so whether something happens on the 15th of December or the 25th of December it'll likely still be something they think about during the holidays. Still your choice though, always remember that <3

 

[disabledaccount0452]

It really does just all blend together in my mind so whether something happens on the 15th of December or the 25th of December it'll likely still be something they think about during the holidays.

Thank you. You might actually be right. Hmm, I'll consider very early January as an alternative then.
Pretty crazy however, that you named the 15th for your example. That's the date I chose for my CTB. Last year, on the 15th a good friend passed away, and I chose that date as some weird bonding opportunity with her. That is actually wild... and scary.

 

[Hime]

Anyway, your crashout is valid. I'm also frustrated with how much I've pussied out in the past, and I really need to get it right next time. Been really stressed out lately knowing my date is coming up and I still don't really feel confident…

I think this is good to say... If you're stressing about the time / not feeling absolutely 100% confident and sure, maybe it's good to give yourself more time? I don't know though, I can only speak for myself and the protocol I've built... I just think there should be no time pressure when it comes to ctb.

This is the one thing you should allow yourself to take all the time in the world if need be. But that's just how I feel... Stay safe

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

Pretty crazy however, that you named the 15th for your example. That's the date I chose for my CTB. Last year, on the 15th a good friend passed away, and I chose that date as some weird bonding opportunity with her. That is actually wild... and scary.

Sorry to hear about your friend :(

It's really sweet of you to want to bond with her on that day. Maybe you could do something that reminds you of her instead? I'm thinking like engaging in one of her hobbies, listening to music she enjoyed, things like that, to feel like you're with her in the moment.

Oh also I promise I just chose that date arbitrarily because it's 10 less than 25, but yes that is a really weird/scary coincidence. No I didn't read your mind or anything, I'm not that special hehe

 

[Mooncry]

Also, you're hella precious and sweet, but that's beside the point <3

No u!!