Discussion (QUESTION/VENTING) To the people that have been on here for a while (6 Months+)

[AQUA]

Do you ever feel frustrated that you're still here and kinda jealous of the ones that did it (CTBed) already?

For me, it's my ever-changing circumstances that haven't allowed me to leave, which is ironic because the whole point of me wanting to CTB (in general) is because I lack faith I can EVER get accustomed to the unfamiliar chaos of new circumstances/situations that life presents to us.

This took me just over half an hour to write because I couldn't phrase it so sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes, if it's from regular writer's block (like I'm a writer, Lol!) or foggy thinking from depression, I don't think ill ever know *SIGH*

 

[aminend]

I'm jealous of who had successful CTB

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Do you ever feel frustrated that you're still here and kinda jealous of the ones that did it (CTBed) already?

No and no, when the time is right I'll go without hesitation. But until then this is as good a place as any to bide my time.

 

[AQUA]

No and no, when the time is right I'll go without hesitation. But until then this is as good a place as any to bide my time.

Really commendable thing to do @Brick In The Wall, I'm sure it'll be hard to maintain especially if you lack clarity sometimes, so good luck and I hope you get a stroke of good fortune soon =D

​

 

[death137]

Yes

 

[Soulless Angel]

No and no, when the time is right I'll go without hesitation. But until then this is as good a place as any to bide my time.

Similar mind set to you. this place is a haven when you just need to get away from the shit of *this too shall pass*
I have tried whilst I have been here, but failure was my result

 

[samsrt96]

Yeah. I always hesitate, then things get a bit better for a while, then I'm right back here again. Longing for the day I finally don't hesitate

 

[FuneralCry]

I do feel frustrated that I am still alive, and I want the peace that death brings, but I guess someday it will be the right time to ctb for me. The way I see it no matter what I will eventually leave this world.

 

[Pure]

Okay I've only been here for a month but I was on the og sanctioned suicide on reddit so I'm gonna tally that up too.

Yes, I'm jealous. Especially if those people who had a quick turn around of only like a few days or week.

Being suicidal is hell on earth. There is nothing as worse as this. I thought I was doing fine for a few years but I was just delusional.

 

[demuic]

No and no, when the time is right I'll go without hesitation. But until then this is as good a place as any to bide my time.

That is how I feel.

I didn't join with the intention of finding a method and then CTBing within the next few days. I knew I wouldn't be able to for a while. When the right time comes I will know.

The members who have CTBed have had their time come already, and that time was right for them.

SS serves to help keep me sane until then, where I can vent my frustrations and empathize with people who have similar views and feelings. Reading discussions here have also helped me accept the possible effects my death will have on others and know that no matter what I must make the choices that are best for me.

 

[Lost Magic]

I kept waiting for things to get better haha. It never really has. Now I am just waiting for the best opportunity to finish this madness once and for all.

 

[LittleJem]

I am so over life. I want it over so much. I've had mental illness all my life and have now had over 30 years of suffering. I do get jealous of people who CTB, particularly celebrities....as their suffering is over and mine continues. But I do agree it has to be the right time to CTB and I think I have to endure a while longer, unfortunately.

 

[insanedoomer]

yes .

 

[Pisceslilith]

Yes, I'm extremely envious of those who got their way out, I've been on here for 2 fucking years and it's so frustrating finding out that what was my preferred method is so complicated, everything is just so fucking complicated including wanting to die. I'm stuck here for god knows how long. Nothing has changed for me and I'm so sick of everything at this point. I'm so over life.

 

[FohPah]

I was going to say "I can die any time I want" but that sounds an awful lot like an addict who says "I can quit any time I want." Hmm.

 

[Sisyphus]

Do you ever feel frustrated that you're still here and kinda jealous of the ones that did it (CTBed) already?

I still feel sad for them because I wish it could be different, as naive as that is, although I realize that I did not know their situation, so their choice was probably best for them in their circumstances.

For me, it's my ever-changing circumstances that haven't allowed me to leave, which is ironic because the whole point of me wanting to CTB (in general) is because I lack faith I can EVER get accustomed to the unfamiliar chaos of new circumstances/situations that life presents to us.

One book I read on depression said that if you think about all of the food you have to eat in your life, all of the hamburgers, pizza, the mountains of cereal and everything else all piled up, you would be nauseated and overwhelmed by the enormity of the task of eating all of that food.

Luckily, you eat one meal at a time. In the same way you live one moment at a time. The trick is getting into this mindset, and not letting the future of uncertainty overwhelm you. Mindfulness is the key for me.

This took me just over half an hour to write because I couldn't phrase it so sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes, if it's from regular writer's block (like I'm a writer, Lol!) or foggy thinking from depression, I don't think ill ever know *SIGH*

I know the feeling. I feel like as I have aged, my mind has gotten slower and my intelligence has lowered, to the point where I feel no connection to my former self. People still compliment my intelligence, but for me it just highlights the obvious gradual degradation in my abilities over time.

 

[whenlavaflows]

Yes. 100%.
I am just so tired of everything. I attempted twice this year through overdosing and failed both times (clearly).
I just want to fucking die. I am so deeply jealous of people that are no longer among us.
I've had a close friend die a few years ago too, so I understand the effect it has on others... but I just can't do this anymore. I really can't.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I'm glad to not have had to hang/stab myself, I'm less glad to not have managed to get any good method. If others have "succ seeded" or not does not affect me.

 

[Luchs]

Do you ever feel frustrated that you're still here and kinda jealous of the ones that did it (CTBed) already?

For me, it's my ever-changing circumstances that haven't allowed me to leave, which is ironic because the whole point of me wanting to CTB (in general) is because I lack faith I can EVER get accustomed to the unfamiliar chaos of new circumstances/situations that life presents to us.

This took me just over half an hour to write because I couldn't phrase it so sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes, if it's from regular writer's block (like I'm a writer, Lol!) or foggy thinking from depression, I don't think ill ever know *SIGH*

I don't really feel jealous, my time just hasn't come yet. I actually like it on here. The community is really nice and a good place to discuss interesting topics and just vent.

 

[xaea13]

I was going to say "I can die any time I want" but that sounds an awful lot like an addict who says "I can quit any time I want." Hmm.

That hits close to home for me, and I'm sure for a lot of people.

I've been on this site for almost a year now and almost exclusively for technical advice on CTB - there was zero doubt in my mind. For a year the only thing keeping me from doing it was lack of a reliable method - now I have a reliable method and more time on my hands, but I just haven't felt any urgency to do it. I don't know if anyone else has felt like this. It's like when your cat stands in front of the door for hours begging to be let out, but then when you open it they just sit there.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

That hits close to home for me, and I'm sure for a lot of people.

I've been on this site for almost a year now and almost exclusively for technical advice on CTB - there was zero doubt in my mind. For a year the only thing keeping me from doing it was lack of a reliable method - now I have a reliable method and more time on my hands, but I just haven't felt any urgency to do it. I don't know if anyone else has felt like this. It's like when your cat stands in front of the door for hours begging to be let out, but then when you open it they just sit there.

Your words resonate with me a lot. I waited for months to obtain a reliable method. I anticipated the delivery in anguish, fretting and worrying daily until the package was finally sitting at my doorstep. In that moment, I was holding the key to ending my suffering once and for all, a powerful sense of catharsis that sent waves of relief rippling through my mind.

Yet, it has been well over a month now, perhaps even two, and I still can't bring myself to do it. Your analogy about letting the cat out is spot on. All of that built up anticipation crescendoing into nothingness, lying in wait like the cat perched at the doorway.

I know what I truly want is to be at peace. I have wanted to die for many years, that desire never wanes. Yet when it comes to survival instinct and fear I simply can't find a way to overcome them. I can't embrace nothingness despite it being my ultimate craving.

Being trapped in purgatory between commiting to living and commiting to dying is a slow burn of misery. I understand your feelings completely.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

As @Brick In The Wall has mentioned, I will end my life on my own terms when I think the time is right. Despite coming very close, if even the unrelenting bodily pains that reduced me to a shadow of my former self was not enough to push me over the edge, then I don't know what will. As of now, the occasional flare-up, though debilitating, comes nowhere as close in providing me with enough motivation for an attempt. To this day, I wonder what would have happened had I not clung on to silly hope. Is postponing the inevitable for better, or worse?

Coming from a place with strict laws and tight border controls, I couldn't be more envious of those with the means to a peaceful exit. In a society that takes a 'care-not-killing' stance, physician-assisted death is but a pipe-dream to those of us who wish to opt out of life. As a consequence, the go-to methods here can and will, often leave many traumatised, be they loved ones or complete strangers.

In the time that has passed since I fell ill, nothing has convinced me so far that life is worth living. I for one, don't see a purpose of spending a good portion of your life slaving away, until you are too old and frail to enjoy the fruits of your labour. As such, those who are somehow convinced of the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, have my envy.

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

Yeah I'm trapped too. For those who have passed, I'm happy for them.

I've been in misery since the subreddit r/SanctionedSuicide still existed, that was 4 - 5 years ago.

 

[hybridtheory]

Yes I'll always be jealous.
I mean I know it's not my time yet and every failed attempt was just a sign that I wasn't ready... but I also wish I could have more courage and not let my SI control me

 

[xaea13]

Your words resonate with me a lot. I waited for months to obtain a reliable method. I anticipated the delivery in anguish, fretting and worrying daily until the package was finally sitting at my doorstep. In that moment, I was holding the key to ending my suffering once and for all, a powerful sense of catharsis that sent waves of relief rippling through my mind.

Yet, it has been well over a month now, perhaps even two, and I still can't bring myself to do it. Your analogy about letting the cat out is spot on. All of that built up anticipation crescendoing into nothingness, lying in wait like the cat perched at the doorway.

I know what I truly want is to be at peace. I have wanted to die for many years, that desire never wanes. Yet when it comes to survival instinct and fear I simply can't find a way to overcome them. I can't embrace nothingness despite it being my ultimate craving.

Being trapped in purgatory between commiting to living and commiting to dying is a slow burn of misery. I understand your feelings completely.

Living suddenly becomes a lot more bearable when you see a light at the end of the tunnel (i.e. having a reliable method in reach).

 

[Seiba]

I haven't been here for six months, but I lurked for a while before making an account. From my perspective suicide is neither a duty nor obligation in any way so I've failed in no part in living. When I choose to leave it will be nothing left to be reciprocated in the world forcefully or otherwise, it will be nothing. I imagine if I was strict emotional pain this mindset would be harder to have, but as it stands I'm largely apathetic.

 

[VileLiquid]

I was here a long time ago and just came back recently. I thought I had my method all planned out, just no solid CTB date. But I have recently discovered my plan is not so fool-proof and I don't want to have any problems on the way out.

I am a little frustrated that I will have to do more work in order to figure out a new method. Also frustrated with myself, as I keep lingering hoping that maybe something will change and things will improve. It's been 15 months and things just get progressively worse. I am hoping to be able to do my research and acquire whatever is needed before my next birthday (in January).

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Oh, yeah! Absolutely!! It's always a mix of emotions of being devastated (I hate seeing people go) and envious (that I'm still here) at the same time, when I see someone goes…..

 

[Lmd]

What bothers me is to see the amount of time that I've been in this place and the number of nonsense that I wrote. It's like reminding myself that I have lost a year of my life, then I think of all the years that I've been depressed and I get angry.