You're not a pussy
I don't know exactly what it is, but when we are that distressed or in fight or flight or when adrenaline and cortisol are activated our I think it's the hippocampus in the brain? Not sure anyway our thinking isn't the same, we do not think clearly and thoughts can bounce from one extreme to another, we can be more impulsive, and it can be overwhelming and confusing and then plus survival instinct thrown in, it's an exhausting rollercoaster.
Attempting suicide is traumatic, even more so with the care and support from mental health services afterwards not being appropriate or understanding the gravity and turmoil the person has gone through often minimizing and invalidating their experience and them feeling worse and now trapped for not going through with it.
I think perhaps maybe a lot of people on here have experienced something similar to you, I know I have, you're not alone, I know you probably feel so many different emotions right now, but you are not a pussy and it is a very human thing that you have experienced.