Purposefully ruining my mental health

[twatingthroughlife]

I'm almost "there" all the time. I've tried to get better for 12 years. I always do my best. I've gone to therapy, I'm medicated, I got sober. I do all these things but they never get better. My meds do seem to help a little bit but it's never enough. I always want to die. It is my only thought throughout the day. When I'm alone, with my family or with my friends. So I've made up my mind and I even picked a date. But I'm a coward and I'm afraid of trying to ctb again because I'm just not desperate enough and the method I've chosen makes me nervous, so I decided to fuck it up. I stopped taking my meds and I'm buying and doing whatever I want so it'll hopefully be easier to ctb the day I planned. I'll also get intoxicated that day which usually makes it even worse for me.

I'm aware that this could go very wrong but I feel like I have been left with no choice. I wish I could just be allowed to pass peacefully but I know that's not possible so this will have to do. It feels weird. To do all of this on purpose. My biggest fear now is not succeeding.

 

[sincerely dead]

I can tell you are absolutely exhausted. I really hear it. I am sorry that despite all of your honest efforts, you have not seemed to feel any better. It's very discouraging after being so disciplined in doing all the "right things" to not see any of it come to fruition. I would definitely want to throw in the towel after all that too; in fact, a huge part of me is right there with you.

I do not mean this from the perspective of some pro-lifer who doesn't understand suicidal thoughts, but I feel unsettled without saying this to you: your theory sounds dangerous. Failing after having intentionally created such steps back for yourself might end you up in an even worse position, forced to live because your attempt was caught. And then, the build back up will be an infinite amount times harder. I don't say this to simply affirm your biggest fear and walk away. I say it because your fear is actually quite real, and I would hate that for you.

All that to say, I think instead of viewing this as deleting all of your progress, think of it as a time to truly treat yourself in a way that gives you room to live. Just in case. I would hate for you to start all over with nothing, and also under heavy surveillance if you didn't succeed.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

I can relate to your post as i tried a lot to help also, Psychoanalysis,cognitive behavioural therapy, EMDR, Gestalt therapy, Ayahuasca, microdosing shrooms, yoga, meditation,antidepressants, hypnose and group talks. However, at some point we enter in a state of delusion. It is not that it cannot work for some people but for others we just try things until we are in complete despair. I also think you should be careful about what you do in the case your plan fail.
I do not think it is necessary a bad idea to stop your medication as i know that these medications can worsened things ( Emotional numbness for example) But do it progressively otherwise it will be really harmful.
Hope you can find a relief, in this world or in the other side.

 

[seventimes]

I'm almost "there" all the time. I've tried to get better for 12 years. I always do my best. I've gone to therapy, I'm medicated, I got sober. I do all these things but they never get better. My meds do seem to help a little bit but it's never enough. I always want to die. It is my only thought throughout the day. When I'm alone, with my family or with my friends. So I've made up my mind and I even picked a date. But I'm a coward and I'm afraid of trying to ctb again because I'm just not desperate enough and the method I've chosen makes me nervous, so I decided to fuck it up. I stopped taking my meds and I'm buying and doing whatever I want so it'll hopefully be easier to ctb the day I planned. I'll also get intoxicated that day which usually makes it even worse for me.

I'm aware that this could go very wrong but I feel like I have been left with no choice. I wish I could just be allowed to pass peacefully but I know that's not possible so this will have to do. It feels weird. To do all of this on purpose. My biggest fear now is not succeeding.

Hi…. This is my first post on this site, but I had to post because I feel so much similarity from your words. Everything you said ring true. I need help also getting to the ctb. That's also the first time I've used that term

 

[twatingthroughlife]

I can tell you are absolutely exhausted. I really hear it. I am sorry that despite all of your honest efforts, you have not seemed to feel any better. It's very discouraging after being so disciplined in doing all the "right things" to not see any of it come to fruition. I would definitely want to throw in the towel after all that too; in fact, a huge part of me is right there with you.

I do not mean this from the perspective of some pro-lifer who doesn't understand suicidal thoughts, but I feel unsettled without saying this to you: your theory sounds dangerous. Failing after having intentionally created such steps back for yourself might end you up in an even worse position, forced to live because your attempt was caught. And then, the build back up will be an infinite amount times harder. I don't say this to simply affirm your biggest fear and walk away. I say it because your fear is actually quite real, and I would hate that for you.

All that to say, I think instead of viewing this as deleting all of your progress, think of it as a time to truly treat yourself in a way that gives you room to live. Just in case. I would hate for you to start all over with nothing, and also under heavy surveillance if you didn't succeed.

I get what you mean, that's why I said it could go terribly wrong, but I have already thought about all those things and prepared myself for that. The thing is, I have nothing. I still have to live with my parents since I am mentally crippled and live in a third world country. I can barely handle uni at this point. I have no job, no nothing. And the little money I have saved up is not enough to do much. I don't really "need it" as my parents are my providers. I might as well spend it all before I die. I'm not a huge risk taker either. I'm not going out of my way to do crazy things, I'm just trying to have a good time before I go.

I'm extremely afraid of failing but I already failed once, and I know if it happens, I'll still have a roof over my head and some food, and tbh i don't care about hospitalization. I've suffered for so long, I can handle a little longer while imprisoned. As soon as I get out, I try again. But I don't plan on failing. I'm hanging and I hope that will be my final act. Thanks for worrying, though.

I can relate to your post as i tried a lot to help also, Psychoanalysis,cognitive behavioural therapy, EMDR, Gestalt therapy, Ayahuasca, microdosing shrooms, yoga, meditation,antidepressants, hypnose and group talks. However, at some point we enter in a state of delusion. It is not that it cannot work for some people but for others we just try things until we are in complete despair. I also think you should be careful about what you do in the case your plan fail.
I do not think it is necessary a bad idea to stop your medication as i know that these medications can worsened things ( Emotional numbness for example) But do it progressively otherwise it will be really harmful.
Hope you can find a relief, in this world or in the other side.

Yeah, I feel like some of us really cannot be helped. And I have bipolar, I'm really familiar with what sudden abandonment of treatment can do. I have stopped it all already anyway.

Thank you for the good wishes.

I can relate to your post as i tried a lot to help also, Psychoanalysis,cognitive behavioural therapy, EMDR, Gestalt therapy, Ayahuasca, microdosing shrooms, yoga, meditation,antidepressants, hypnose and group talks. However, at some point we enter in a state of delusion. It is not that it cannot work for some people but for others we just try things until we are in complete despair. I also think you should be careful about what you do in the case your plan fail.
I do not think it is necessary a bad idea to stop your medication as i know that these medications can worsened things ( Emotional numbness for example) But do it progressively otherwise it will be really harmful.
Hope you can find a relief, in this world or in the other side.

Yeah, I feel like some of us really cannot be helped. And I have bipolar, I'm really familiar with what sudden abandonment of treatment can do. I have stopped it all already anyway.

Thank you for the good wishes.

Hi…. This is my first post on this site, but I had to post because I feel so much similarity from your words. Everything you said ring true. I need help also getting to the ctb. That's also the first time I've used that term

Welcome I'm honestly glad I'm not alone in this feeling but I'm sorry you also have to go through that. I'm also getting used to the ctb term lol. I haven't been on here for too long either but it has quickly turned into my safe space.