MrSuicide
Transgender man
- Oct 11, 2024
- 3
I cut off all of my friends and completely avoid my family.
They were online friends which I hope will hurt them less. I'm sure my family is disappointed too but they haven't completely lost me yet. The reason I did was because I was getting ready to die, so keeping them close to me would have made them hurt harder after death. However I'm still coping with feelings of regret/guilt over this decision. I didn't give them any reason for why I was leaving (or never responding/spending time with my family). One still has contact with me but I've been ignoring them. I don't feel good about not giving them an explanation either, I wasn't sure what to say, how to face their reactions like a coward. I considered saying I had an illness and that I wasn't going to live longer so we should part ways but does that count if it's a mental illness? Isn't that terminology for something physical like cancer? It felt like I was lying.
It felt like I was lying about a lot of things actually, like they never really connected with the real me. Suicide is an instrinsic part of me now, a pattern in my brain. Whenever some bullshit is happening in my life I can look down and think "at least I'll be dead". While I was hiding my suicide, I felt senseless anger and despair towards them. How dare they be happy while I'm suffering, were they mocking me? How could they not notice my pain? Did they even care? And a lot of other garbage. I lashed out at a couple of them. The reality is that they were always better off without someone like me in their lives, even if they didn't realize it at the time. I just wish I could have done more to guarantee they wouldn't miss me. I considered becoming actually meaner towards them so they would have a reason to hate me after I leave but that felt like a shitty thing to do so I just didn't. I made everything worse though. I ruined everything.
Has anyone done something similar to this? I think my logic is (shitty but) logical. As logical as suicide can be anyways.
This post wasn't organized I apologize if things don't make sense
They were online friends which I hope will hurt them less. I'm sure my family is disappointed too but they haven't completely lost me yet. The reason I did was because I was getting ready to die, so keeping them close to me would have made them hurt harder after death. However I'm still coping with feelings of regret/guilt over this decision. I didn't give them any reason for why I was leaving (or never responding/spending time with my family). One still has contact with me but I've been ignoring them. I don't feel good about not giving them an explanation either, I wasn't sure what to say, how to face their reactions like a coward. I considered saying I had an illness and that I wasn't going to live longer so we should part ways but does that count if it's a mental illness? Isn't that terminology for something physical like cancer? It felt like I was lying.
It felt like I was lying about a lot of things actually, like they never really connected with the real me. Suicide is an instrinsic part of me now, a pattern in my brain. Whenever some bullshit is happening in my life I can look down and think "at least I'll be dead". While I was hiding my suicide, I felt senseless anger and despair towards them. How dare they be happy while I'm suffering, were they mocking me? How could they not notice my pain? Did they even care? And a lot of other garbage. I lashed out at a couple of them. The reality is that they were always better off without someone like me in their lives, even if they didn't realize it at the time. I just wish I could have done more to guarantee they wouldn't miss me. I considered becoming actually meaner towards them so they would have a reason to hate me after I leave but that felt like a shitty thing to do so I just didn't. I made everything worse though. I ruined everything.
Has anyone done something similar to this? I think my logic is (shitty but) logical. As logical as suicide can be anyways.
This post wasn't organized I apologize if things don't make sense