Venting poverty makes me want to ctb

[!MIA!]

I haven't eaten a full meal in a month now, to this day. I only eat once a day, something small, anytime past 5 pm.

I go 2-3 days without showering at a time. I know. It's gross. But why would I shower when my towel smells, and the only bathroom i have acess to is a shithole? When and where can I do my laundry? Where am I supposed to get the money for that? I have to hustle when I'm not properly funded. I'm trying to look for the hidden beauty in all of this.

I have a cap full of conditioner left. The remainder of my lotion is mainly water.

But hey, I have deodorant.

I feel fat. But I know I'm empty.

My joints scream in agony, but I ignore them- it's just another day. It's getting harder to do anything. I feel so weak. I get so hungry. I can't let it be heard. Deep breaths to fill my belly with something. Air will keep me good for the night. I'll smile and insist that I'm full.

I can keep this up for the sake of my family. But I don't know for how long. I'll keep exing myself out so everyone can have something. I'll go last because I understand I'm not worth it. Even when we pool it's not enough to keep us afloat.

Leaving is unimaginable.

Let it be known: I tried to be happy, even under the circumstances.

If I have to pay and suffer just to live, then what does it matter that I want to die?

 

[Unknown21]

One of my main reasons for ctbing is poverty.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've had to endure, it must be so tiring, it's such a cruel existence where there is all this endless suffering being experienced.