postponement of ctb

[VigilanteWithViolin]

I think about the fact that I postponed ctb three times this year because of some events that seemed important to me, about which I thought "it would be cool to see this/to try this/to be with these people" etc. But now I realize that it was stupid things/people/ideas and I wouldn't have lost anything if I was dead. I constantly come up with different things for myself (like reading books, going there, doing this or that, drawing something, writing about something, etc.) to prolong the time.

Why..? I don't think I'm afraid to die. And I don't think there will be anything good in life yet, because it hasn't been good for about 11 years. So why is that?.. I live in a kind of vacuum and I feel nothing but disgust or anger.

What makes me hesitate then, I don't understand.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's a form of SI and we think we gonna miss sth in our life but actually and objectively this isn't the case. If we died naturally or by accident we would also "miss" what we think is important to do in the future. I had similar thoughts in the past - it doesn't make it any easier.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

What happened 11 years ago?

 

[Intoxicated]

That reminds me of long TV series degrading from season to season, when you keep watching new episodes by habit trying to catch rare interesting moments, with frequently occurring thoughts that you're just wasting your time and questioning yourself whether further watching is worthwhile. I think, the reasons why I sometimes kept watching such TV series till the very end can be described in 3 words: attachment, habit, and curiosity (no way I could blame "survival instinct" for that, LMAO). I find this quite similar to living life which could be viewed as a set daily episodes where you're the main character.

 

[VigilanteWithViolin]

What happened 11 years ago?

I was diagnosed with a mental illness, during which I had an attempt at ctb, after which I had to skip almost one year of school, and when I returned, I found out that everyone around me (and those whom I considered my friends) wanted me dead. From that moment on, I became an outcast. Things got a little better in college, but I still don't feel like I trust people anymore. I've had several attempts and I've been haunted by a permanent desire to die. since I am in a place where psychiatry is very poorly developed and it is considered shameful, I do not receive adequate psychological help. On the other hand, over the years, I didn't care whether I was ill or not, I still wouldn't learn to love life and wouldn't want to.

Это форма синдрома упущенной выгоды, и мы думаем, что будем скучать по чему-то в нашей жизни, но на самом деле и объективно это не так. Если бы мы умерли естественной смертью или в результате несчастного случая, мы бы тоже «скучали» по тому, что, по нашему мнению, важно сделать в будущем. В прошлом у меня были похожие мысли — от этого не легче.

As I get older, this feeling weakens. Maybe when it disappears completely, I'll be ready...

That reminds me of long TV series degrading from season to season, when you keep watching new episodes by habit trying to catch rare interesting moments, with frequently occurring thoughts that you're just wasting your time and questioning yourself whether further watching is worthwhile. I think, the reasons why I sometimes kept watching such TV series till the very end can be described in 3 words: attachment, habit, and curiosity (no way I could blame "survival instinct" for that, LMAO). I find this quite similar to living life which could be viewed as a set daily episodes where you're the main character.

Hell, yes. It really feels like tv series that I watch only in the hope that there will be some good moments, although deep down I understand that each new episode is more crappy than the previous one.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I'm afraid I'll postpone my planned CTB at the end of holidays. It just feels so hard to go through with it, even though I have zero hope and feel miserable all the time.

 

[VigilanteWithViolin]

I'm afraid I'll postpone my planned CTB at the end of holidays. It just feels so hard to go through with it, even though I have zero hope and feel miserable all the time.

It scares me to think that I will never get up the courage and never do it. It's hard not to have hope, but at the same time not to be able to get through it completely.
The holidays were supposed to be a kind of preparation for me, but again I'm not sure about anything.
I hope you're going to be okay...